Why suffering, Oh Lord?

Unspeakable tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut today.  Awful things have happened before and still go on all over the world, but this one is hitting a little closer to home because I have a child in Kindergarten, and the shooting occurred at an elementary school.  I know I will be hugging my little girls extra tightly today.  27 dead, 18 of them children. My heart aches for those young lives lost and their families. I cry for those who survived but will have to live with the tragic memories for the rest of their lives. Why, oh Lord? It all seems so senseless!

I remember asking the same question before I was a Christian and whenever anything tragic happened on the news.  Now that I am a Christian and I know God more intimately, I still ask "Why?" When I think of the Holocaust, continued genocide in certain parts of the world, September 11th, Columbine, VT shootings, and other events such as these, I pray but I still ask, "Why? Why so much suffering?"  I know that many others have asked the same exact question.  It is hard to get our minds around tragedy on such a large scale.  But I trust that God has a plan and purpose for all things (Jeremiah 29:11) and he will bring about good even in the face of bad circumstances (Romans 8:28).

I studied psychology in graduate school for many years and nearly completed a Ph.D before I decided to stay home with my children.  In all my years of study, I never came across a satisfying answer to the everlasting question of why/ how one person (or persons) can inflict such devastation upon other people.  Some people are psychopaths or they hurt so badly themselves they want to hurt others in turn.  Some people are delusional and truly do not know what they do. . . There are numerous other ways to spin a psychological answer:  trace it back to roots of abuse in early childhood, neurological processes that have gone awry, etc. Yet, none sufficiently answer the cause and reason for Evil in the world.  After studying the Bible in depth and growing in my spiritual walk, I will have to say that for me, there is no other way to fully explain evil except to take the Bible by its' word -- as the truth.

What I believe is that God is a God of love, hope, and light.  I do not believe that God ever intended to have his creation living in a world with so much evil and sin.  The Garden of Eden was a perfect and sublime place.  Our ancient ancestors basked in the glory of God in all His goodness.  Yet, Adam and Eve disobeyed God when he tried to protect them and forbade them to eat the fruit.  They took a bite out of that forbidden apple and they fell from grace.  Sin and evil entered the world as a result.

As humans, I think we like to rank sin, some being worse than others.  Murder and killing are high up there on the worse sins list.  Everyone will agree that those are terrible, immoral things.  I think that is why everyone is so appalled and angry at the events today in Newtown, CT.  What the shooter did was undeniably awful!  His responsibility is not to be minimized, nor the pain all those families are experiencing.  But truly, we often forget that we are all sinners and fall short of God's righteousness (Romans 3:23).  We may not murder or kill, we may not steal, we may not commit adultery, but we are all imperfect.  We all get prideful at times. We all lose our patience or get angry for the wrong reasons. We all covet or lust after what we cannot or should not have.  We get discontented.  That is why we are all in need of a personal Savior, Jesus.    

Even if we may not have been personally impacted by the events at Sandy Hook Elementary, we have all experienced personal pain, suffering, loss, and hurt in our lives.  We all have asked the same questions time and time again, "Why did this happen to me?"  Why miscarriages, death of loved ones, life threatening diseases, painful divorces, loss of jobs?  We may not ever know the specific reasons for each individual case, but the root cause is this fallen world.  God's answer will be the same each time, "Come to me."  He says, "Believe in my son, Jesus, whom I sent to you."  Not only did Jesus atone for our past, present, and future sins, but He saves us from this fallen world.  Believe in the Lord, Jesus, and we shall have eternal life (John 3:26).  Believe in Him and one day we shall again walk alongside our Lord without pain, suffering, and heartache known in this world.  He is the only one who can truly heal our hearts and minds after pain and suffering.  He is our Savior, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Healer, and so much more.  May the Lord be with those families suffering from today's tragedy -- may He grant them comfort and supernatural peace.  And may he be with you, in your hearts, as we approach the day of his birth, Christmas.  Even in the midst of tragedy, God is still ever present.  He reveals himself in the lives of all those people who pray, who reach out to help those who are in most need.  He is in the hearts of family, friends, and strangers.  You just have to open your eyes, see, and Believe.  God bless.

Stopping the Woe-is-me mentality

"Lord! Help me! Could this day or week get any worse?"

I was in pain.  I just jammed my fingers in the door as I was shutting it and cut them.  I was rushing to clean it up and put on a band-aid.  I was in a hurry to get out the door to take the oldest daughter to the bus stop.  It was a frosty morning and three sets of hats, gloves/ mittens, coats, and shoes can take a long time to put on!  Honestly, that part wasn't any different than most weekday mornings.  The fingers were just the last straw after a very long week.

Beginning 1:30/ 45 AM on Monday morning Cara (my 3 yr old) woke up crying and began throwing up.  Vomit is never fun to clean up, but even worse when it is in the middle of the night, and we were trying to work quietly in the dark so we would not wake Arianna who was still asleep in the upper bunk.  We brought Cara to our room and she continued to throw up every 15-20 minutes until about 8:00 that morning.  After that it was every couple of hours until she finally stopped.  By Tuesday she was doing better and was able to hold down some crackers and applesauce.  Later that day I noticed that her eyes looked a little pink and they were crusty.  I took her into the pediatrician and sure enough it was an eye infection caused by bacteria getting into her eyes.  We have to administer antibiotic ointment to her eyes for a week.  On Wednesday I thought we were in the clear since she was eating better and playing a little.  Unfortunately, that night she threw up some more!  Yesterday, Thursday, we again took it easy with food and so far no further incidents.

I have been exhausted this week and also getting a bit stir-crazy.  We are running out of activities to entertain the children since we have been housebound all week.  Cara has been more clingy and demonstrating more frequent negative behavior this week because she is not feeling well and is bored.  It has been hard keeping an active baby sister (who is also pulling up and cruising) from sick Cara, and tending to both of their needs on my own.  Thankfully, at least Arianna  is at school most of the day, but when she gets home I feel bad I haven't had much time to spend with her.  My husband has been working very long hours since the beginning of this year.  This seems to be our new normal but it is still hard.  He leaves long before the kids are awake (going into work as early as 3 or 4 AM some mornings) and he does not come home til past 8 PM most evenings (sometimes much later).  The kids and I have gotten used to being on our own during the week.  I look forward to the weekends when he is home and we get to enjoy some much needed family time, but also because I get a little break from the kids.

Unfortunately last night Javier got sick also.  He must of have caught the same bug that Cara had because the poor guy was in horrible shape!  We suspect it is the Norovirus that has been going around in the schools.  I felt bad for him, but selfishly I was also annoyed and a bit angry. What horrible timing!  Cara was just getting better.  I was looking forward to getting out of the house this weekend.  I was looking forward to Javier helping with the kids.  Poor guy was shaking and shivering, throwing up, and I was furious with him!  You see how human and how hopelessly flawed I am?  I felt bad afterwards, but in the moment my emotional state was, "Woe-is-me!"  I felt sorry for myself.  I kept thinking, "I took care of a sick kid all week!  No way can I take care of a sick husband too!  I need a break!"  I was entirely self-centered.  This morning he felt much better and decided he needed to go into work for a little while.  I was glad he was feeling better, but even then I caught the annoyance and frustration surfacing.  I told him I didn't see why he had to go to work when he wasn't 100%.  If anything he should stay home, rest, and if he was feeling better he could help out around the house because I've been doing everything alone all week.  I knew I was being selfish and unsympathetic.  Thankfully he is home now and resting (poor guy).  The worse seems to have passed, but he is still very weak after being sick all night.

Today I was deep in the "woe-is-me" mentality.  This week has not gone as planned.    I haven't been able to get the things I wanted done.  I haven't been able to get to the store.  I have no idea what to cook for dinner with two people still not able to eat much. . . I need to get to work wiping and spraying every surface with Lysol.  I can't get sick.  I am so tired. . . My fingers hurt from the door. . .Me. Me. Me.

That's when the Lord intervened and used an opportune conversation with a friend to remind me that it really isn't as bad as I think.  He reminded me that even though it was a rough week, in the grand scheme of things we still have so much to be thankful for!  Aside from this week and occasional illnesses during the cold/ flu season, my children are happy and healthy.  I do not have a child suffering from a life-threatening condition. We are not constantly taking our child to the ER, and staying at the hospital more than we stay at home. We are not a family preparing to say good-bye to our four-year old son who may or may not see his last Christmas.  We are not a family in financial crisis that we are having trouble putting food on the table for our kids.  And we are not a family being impacted by senseless school shootings (my heart goes out to those in Newtown, CT today!!!!).

We are blessed.  We truly are.  All of our needs are met -- abundantly so.  Selfish and sinful as we are, there may be lots of things we want and covet, but truly there is nothing that we need that God has not graciously provided for us.  My husband may work extremely long hours, but he has a job!  His job makes it possible for me to stay at home with the children, to make our house payments, car payments, and put our children in various extracurricular activities.  It allows us more financial flexibility then we have had in years prior.  Moreover, his long hours have also been a blessing to our marriage in that it has taught us to appreciate each other more -- to appreciate the rare moments that we have to ourselves.  We have learned how precious weekend time with the family can be.  And moments like today aside, we have learned to be more patient with each other and the children.  We have learned to lean on God more than we lean on our own efforts or on each other.  Javier could not be working 12-16 hour days without the Lord giving him strength.  And I could not be doing the single-parent thing during the week without God giving me a daily dose of grace.  The kids may be sick this week, but it has allowed for a slower pace that is rare these days.  They may be sick but at least this means it's done before Christmas.  And in being sick, we have Javier home today when he is usually not home and the children would not see him.

Yet, even in knowing how blessed we are, in the midst of the "woe-is-me" mentality, I forgot that Jesus said, "In this world you will have troubles. But take heart!  I have overcome the world! (John 16:33)."  I learned today the key to snapping myself out of a self-centered, self-destructive, self-serving mentality is to lift my eyes up to the cross.  To remember that Jesus took all of our worldly burdens upon himself, died on that cross for us, and raised up on the third day, conquering death and the world!  To overcome our selfish nature that is of the flesh and world, we have to look up and praise him.  We praise him in the midst of a hard day or a hard week.  It is an act of the will -- to willfully not focus on our emotional state but to find things to praise.  We praise him for all that he has done and continues to do.  In praising him we find peace, we find comfort, and we find joy and contentment.  This is what Paul means when he said, "I have learned to be content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:12-13)."  

In this world we will indeed have troubles.  We have a choice to respond with a "woe-is-me" attitude or to lift our eyes up toward Heaven.  By standing firm and persevering we grow and mature in our character thereby giving glory to God and in turn are blessed.  I think this is what James means when he wrote, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything . . . Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of Life that the Lord has promised to the those who love him. (James 1:2-12)." 

Keeping the Christ in Christmas

With commercial images of Christmas everywhere, it can be easy to forget its humble beginning and true meaning.  The first Christmas did not have trees, lights, or tinsel.  It was celebrated in a humble manger in the town of Bethlehem.  There a virgin named Mary gave birth to a son.  Her son was the baby Jesus, our Christ Savior, born to us, wrapped in cloths.  He is the very reason we should celebrate Christmas.  Christmas is a time for giving, sharing, good-tidings, etc., but we have to remember that it all began because Jesus was our very first Christmas gift from God.  He was born to die for us.  He was born so that we could be saved.  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him (John 3.16-17)."  

In this day and age, the Christ in Christmas is so easily lost.  In our family we strive to be intentional about keeping our Christmas season centered on Jesus.  It is a hard balancing act when we are bombarded with so many commercial images, toy ads, and all other seasonal splendor.  We want our children to enjoy the holiday and maintain their childish innocence and amazement, but we also want to teach them the true meaning of Christmas.  Here are a few things that we do in our family to make sure that we are Christ-focused:

(1) We do Advent in a number of different ways.  Each girl has her own calendar where she can open doors each day to get a chocolate candy (it's also a great way to practice numbers with the 3 year old).  We put up a new ornament each day onto a small tree, culminating in a beautiful ornament for Christmas day depicting the nativity scene.  The girls enjoy getting their sweet treat and taking turns putting up the ornaments.  But our favorite activity is reading the Advent Book together  (http://www.amazon.com/Advent-Book-Jack-Stockman/dp/0615210007/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1354763685&sr=1-1&keywords=the+advent+book+by+jack+and+kathy+stockman).   It is a beautifully illustrated book that has become a treasured family keepsake.  The book has 25 pages that are each adorned with a beautiful door that opens up to reveal illustrations and verses that tell the Christmas story.  The girls sometimes fight over who can open which door, and they cannot wait for the next day to open the next door to reveal another part of the story.  We are also reading the Advent Jesse Tree together (http://www.amazon.com/Advent-Jesse-Tree-Devotions-Christmas/dp/1426712103/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1354763972&sr=1-2&keywords=the+jesse+tree).  It is a great way to have family devotion time and really focus on teaching biblical principles to our children as we prepare for Christmas day and celebrating Christ's birth.  Cara, who is 3, is still a little young to fully grasp everything in these devotionals, but she likes the illustrations and can still participate when we ask easy questions.  Arianna, who is turning 6, is already learning to grasp key concepts such as how Jesus is the Lamb who was sacrificed for us.  We were able to have discussions about sin and give examples, and to talk about her faith in Jesus, what she prays about, etc.  It is truly a treasure to see her faith grow.

(2) We don't see any harm in having our children believe in Santa Claus as well.  But we make sure to remind them that Santa is only Jesus's helper.  Santa brings gifts to everyone as a reminder that Jesus was our first gift.  By giving and receiving gifts we are showing love, just as God showed us love by sending his son.  Because of this, we don't emphasize the naughty or nice list that Santa supposedly has.  It is inevitable that children will misbehave.  It's too high a standard to expect them to be good all the time in order for Santa to bring them a gift.  Adults even find a hard time being good always. . . After all, we are all sinners and have all fallen short of God's righteousness (Romans 3.23).   Yet, even though we didn't deserve it and while we are still sinners, Jesus was given to us and died for us (Romans 5:8) -- no strings attached.  It was God's grace.  So instead of putting pressure on them (and after all, it's not like we'd withhold Christmas gifts even if they were bad), we remind our children that Jesus lives in their hearts and will know their thoughts, behavior, and feelings.  He wants us all to be good and will help us to be good if we ask for it in prayer.  And he is our inner voice that will tell us to stop if we shouldn't be doing something.  Arianna seems to really understand this and will comment all the time that Jesus made her stop doing something or reminded her to listen and obey.  Cara is still learning.  So we tell them we should always strive to be good, not because Santa will bring a gift, but because that's what Jesus would want us to do, and He's the real reason for Christmas and gift-giving.

(3) We allow them to only ask "Santa" for one gift each year.  We remind them that even Jesus only got three gifts from the wise men, so we do not need any more than that.  Besides, we know we have very generous family members and they will be showered with piles of new toys, books, regardless.  But we do try to emphasize that there is a difference between "need" and "want."  They do not need more things as they have way more than they can possibly play with.

(4) We teach our kids to love our neighbors because that is what Jesus commands of us (Matthew 22.39).  One of the ways we can show love to our neighbors and friends is by being generous since God has been so generous to us and bestowed so many blessings.  In addition to our regular giving to church and charities, each year we participate in Angel Tree.  Each girl picks a tag off the tree and we buy gifts for other children in need.  In order to make room for new things that we know that they will be getting, we remind them that we will be purging some of their old toys that they no longer play with or need to donate and give to others who are in need.  I ask them to help me pick out a few things that they think they can part with.  This part isn't always easy, as you can imagine, but we try to get them involved anyways, even if the bulk of the purging will be done by mommy and daddy when they are asleep.

(6) In our prayers every night we thank God for sending Jesus.  We thank him for all that he has given us.  And we pray that we may enjoy the Christmas season focused on Jesus, showing love, compassion, understanding, patience and generosity to each other.

Obviously my kids are still young, and this is what works for them right now based on their ages.  I am sure we'll be changing things up each year as they get older.  I love to adopt new family traditions when I hear of great ones from others, so I am sure we'll be adding more to this list.  Whatever your Christmas traditions, may you remember the Christ always.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  God Bless.

Storms come and go

The storm was raging outside.  Hurricane Sandy was fierce. The force of the winds caused the house to shake a little.  The rain pounded against the window pane. . .  

I could not sleep.  I worried about the children, asleep in their rooms.  I told my husband I wanted to bring them into our room to be sure they were safe.   He responded, "There isn't a point.  Things will be fine.  If you do that, no one will sleep and you'd still be awake worried.  Just trust in God."  My temper flared.  How dare he insinuate that I did not trust God?  I made some awful retort, which he ignored and he went back to sleep.  I was furious.  How could he sleep through the storm?  I was then reminded of Mark 4:37-41:

³⁷ A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.³⁸ Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

³⁹ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

⁴⁰ He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” 

My husband was right.  Sure, the storm was awful and loud outside, but I didn't need to fret.  We had done our part by planning for the worst with provisions and supplies.  Now the rest was up to God. There was nothing else I could control.  Bringing the kids to our bed would have in some ways eased my mind, but I still would have been wide awake, restless and worried.  God wants us to rest and abide in Jesus, and to rely on Him to calm our fears about the storms of life.  Isn't that exactly what I told my children before they went to bed?  They were anxious about the storm and I said, "Do not fear.  Jesus is in your heart.  And mommy and daddy are nearby too."  Cara, my three year old, responded, "Jesus will protect us always from the storm!"  How wonderful is a child's heart and wisdom!  My children understood that they were safe and they slept soundly for the most part.

I was the one who was fearful, just like the disciples on the boat.  I realized that the fear masked my larger issue: doubt.  God has always been faithful in my life and yet here I was in a storm, worried about what would happen.  Humbled, I prayed to God to forgive me for doubting.  I prayed for guidance and asked Him if I should bring the children into our room. His answer was, "No, I will keep them safe."  Relieved, I continued to pray to keep the rest of our family and friends safe during the storm.   I also prayed that I would trust His plans even if disaster happened.  And lastly, I prayed that He would give me "peace that transcends all understanding (Phillipians 4:7)" and that he would keep me in "perfect peace because my mind was steadfast and trusting in him (Isaiah 26:3).  He was so good and answered my prayers by allowing me to get some sleep.  Thankfully we also did not lose power or sustain any damage from the storm.  

Yesterday taught me that I am still prone to momentary lapses of doubt and fear.  Despite how far I have come in my walk with Christ, I still have a lot further to go.  The powerful thing is that with God's Word in my heart, I am able to recall them during these times and to cling to them.  God's Word reminds me of his power, his grace, his mercy, his forgiveness, and the strength and peace that only He can give.  I recall all the times He has been faithful and all the times He has answered my prayers.  I know He is good and his nature does not change.  Storms of life will come and go.  God allows them to shape our character.  The important thing is how we will respond.  Will we be fearful like the disciples?  Or, will we learn to stay calm by trusting in Jesus whatever happens?  

Foothold

"Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

Today I went went with 5 other moms and 14.5 children to the farm to pick some apples.  It started out fun.  The children had a blast picking the apples and riding the wagon.  There were also farm animals to see, a fun moon-bounce, and lots of other things to do and explore.  Unfortunately the fun abruptly ended for us as one by one my children began to lose it, as did I.

Cara was the first to unravel.  She usually is because she is my introverted homebody.  She doesn't mind social situations and activity, but after a certain point she wants to leave and go home, to get rest and quiet-time.  I knew she was done when she began to fuss.  Arianna was having fun playing with her friends and cousins, but I could not be in multiple places at once.  I knew it seemed unfair to make her leave too, but Cara was done and the baby needed to nurse.  So I gave Arianna a 5-minute warning.  When it was up, as expected she didn't want to go.  She started to fuss and whine and struggle against me as I grabbed her hand to leave.  She started to make excuses wanting to feed the farm animals and to go back to tell her friend something.  She was refusing to walk with me so I picked her up and put her into the double stroller.  Fortunately Cara was already in it and I was carrying the baby in the Ergo carrier.  Arianna screamed and cried all the way back to the car and the entire time in the car while I was trying to nurse the baby.   I knew part of the problem was also low blood sugar and that she needed to eat.  I gave both girls lunch that I had packed but they were complaining about it.  My patience was slowly running out.  To make things more difficult, the baby was not nursing well because she was so distracted by the commotion that her sisters were creating.

Eventually I strapped the baby into her car seat, made sure the other two were strapped in also, and started the long trek home.   The two big girls were still not in good spirits and were not listening well.  I began to lose it.  I could feel my muscles tighten, my teeth clenching, my entire body responding in a negative way. What started out as frustration at them for their behavior grew into full-blown anger.  I started to yell at both of them to eat.  I yelled at them for their behavior at the farm.  I yelled at them for not listening to me. . .  Cara threw some food and I had to stop the car and clean up the mess.  I yelled some more because of that incident.  I definitely was not winning any mommy awards for patience and grace.

The children stayed quiet for a while in the car after that.  I think they recognized that I was in the red zone.  The silence gave me an opportunity to calm down.  Once the anger clouds cleared, I regretted my behavior.  What kind of example did I just set for my children?  Sure, they were not obeying and they were definitely displaying some bad behavior, but it was nothing new.  And they are children after all.  If anything, I was greatly to blame for not handling the situation better.  I should have left right after the apple picking instead of staying to play so we could have ended on a good note.  I should have made sure to give them a better snack and insisted on a break before they got too hungry and tired. . . Too much fun, overexertion, heat, hunger and thirst were recipes for disaster.

The little voice inside of me reminded me of the verse above and I felt so convicted.  In my anger I had given the devil a foothold in my heart and mind and I acted like a crazed mommy who lost control.   I felt awful and I was humbled.  I prayed for guidance in how to make things right again.  That's when I said to my girls, "I am sorry that I was yelling and that I got angry and lost my temper.  I love you very much.  Will you forgive me?"  Arianna responded, "I forgive you, Mommy!"   Cara said, "I love you, mommy!"  And my heart leaped.  My sweet, sweet girls!  How I do love them!  When we finally got home, I hugged each of them tight and whispered again how much I loved them and that I was sorry for my behavior.   I told them that although their behavior wasn't great, my behavior was worse.  We made a pack to each promise to try and do better.   For now the peace is restored.  The children are resilient and playing as though nothing ever even happened.  I learn so much from them.

I don't know if you've ever been in a similar situation when anger takes over and you say and do things you would not otherwise.  It's best not to let the anger make you lose your footing.  It's best not to give the devil an opportunity to make you stumble.  But thankfully, when we are rooted in the Word and when we have a strong foothold in Christ, we need not fear the times when we stumble.  God can use everything for his glory and turn even the worse situations into a growth experience for us.  That's what happened today for my girls and I.  They saw again how their mommy is human, flawed and imperfect.  I was reminded to check my own behavior as I set an example for my children.  And we all learned about forgiveness, mercy, and grace.

Reassurance

Cara generally is my mild, easy child.  But this week I have had several challenging moments with her.  It's probably due to a combination of illness, tiredness, and the fact that she is approaching three years old in just a few weeks.  Aside from the anecdotal evidence that all children seem to go through a difficult period at the half year and the full year mark, I remember three years old being a very difficult age with Arianna.  People talk a lot about the terrible twos, but in my opinion it should be the terrible threes.  That is the year that children really start to develop attitude.  

For example, I asked Cara, "You are being rather fussy today. What's the matter?"  She says with a scowl on her face, with arms crossed, and feet stomping, "I am not fussing.  I am grumpy!"  It took all of my effort not to smile and laugh at her -- she was so cute.   Smiling and laughing at her probably would have made things worse since she was already in a mood.   She has been getting into these moods much more frequently this week.  She will pout, scowl, stomp her feet, and sulk whenever she doesn't get her way or if I correct her on something that she doesn't like.  In addition she will say, "I don't like you, Mommy," or "I don't love you."  Today she even said, "I only love Daddy, not you anymore!"  I know she doesn't mean it and is only saying these things out of anger or frustration, but it still stings a little.  Arianna usually is my more challenging child, but she has never said such hurtful things.  Arianna's tantrums tend be very loud, very intense, and they last a very long time.  However, during them she still always wants to be in our presence.  She gets more upset if we send her to her room.  Cara, on the other hand, has less volatile tantrums and will sometimes voluntarily put herself in time-out.  However, she often says negative things and she always pushes us away by saying, "I don't want you.  Leave me alone."  I say to her, "Even though you say you do not like or love me,  I still love you very much and will always love you."  Sometimes that reassurance is all that she needs and she will come and let me hug her.  Other times if she is deep into her mood I have to leave her alone for a while before she is willing to come to me for a reassuring hug.

God is our father and we are his children.  And like Cara, when we don't get what we want from Him we often pout, stomp our feet, or even have a full blown "tantrum" where we rave against God.  We pray for a new house, a new car, for a relationship to develop into something more, for our parents to get back together and not get a divorce, for miraculous healing, for a certain trial to end. . .   We think sometimes God doesn't answer our prayers, when in fact his answer may simply be "No" or "No, not yet."  That kind of answer does not make us happy.  We always want what we want and we want it now -- just like a toddler.  We get angry and frustrated with God.  We might even start to question Him and doubt Him, essentially saying to ourselves, "I don't like you, God.  I don't love you right now."  And when God tries to pour his love and truth into us, we might say, "No, leave me alone, I don't want you right now."  But, just like with Cara, that's not what we really want.  We want reassurance.  We want to feel God's reassuring presence in our lives even when we are acting out against him.  He is there always, ready and waiting, until we are willing to come to him.

We need not doubt God's love for us.  He will not leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  He loved us so much he sent his one and only son, Jesus, to die on our behalf so that we may have eternal life (John 3:16).  And Jesus loved us so much that he faced his death knowingly.  When everyone lashed out in hatred towards Him, nailing him onto the cross, piercing him, killing him, Jesus prayed on our behalf, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34)."  If you are reading this and have never trusted Jesus in a real and personal way, I pray that you will take a step in faith.  He is the only reassurance we need of God's everlasting love.   

Staying calm during the storm

I have a family member who is in trouble because she is turning to maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with depression and emotional pain.  I can understand where she is coming from and what drives her to harm herself and use substances.  I have been there.  I suffered from severe depression as a teenager and young adult.  And because I understand, I am trying as much as possible to be there for her.  I am trying to be a listening ear.  I am trying to be her advocate.  But sometimes I don't know how best to help.

I have been praying hard for wisdom and discernment about this situation.  I have been praying for the family as a whole to gain wisdom and come together in our attempt to help.  Unfortunately, in talking to a family member today about the situation, I became frustrated and lost my temper.  I was frustrated that this person did not understand what I was trying to say.  We disagreed on the root cause of the situation and best treatment approach.  We both hung up the phone angry.

I was on the way to pick up my oldest daughter from VBS after this conversation.  I prayed silently the whole way there:  "Lord, please show me the way.  What should I do?  How can I best help?  How can I get the rest of the family to understand the emotional side of things?  Please give me wisdom.  Please give them wisdom.  Let us be able to intervene the way you want us to."

When I got home I put the two younger ones down for a nap and I started to gather up some papers from the table.  I noticed my daughter's homework assignment from Sunday school yesterday.  The theme had been calmness in the face of the storm.  Jesus was always calm during the storm.  He was sleeping until the disciples woke him up because of their fear. Jesus rebuked them and proceeded to calm the storm.  My daughter's bible memory verse was, "A wise person stays calm (Proverbs 12:16)."

Ok, Lord.  I get it.  I lost it earlier.  I was not calm.  Silent doubt and fear crept into my heart as I despaired about the situation and felt so frustrated and powerless to do anything.   In losing my temper and failing to be calm, I probably hurt my cause more than I helped.  By raising my voice I caused the person I was talking to feel defensive.  Defensiveness makes it hard to come to any type of understanding.  God's answer to my prayers for wisdom today was to remind me to remain calm and to know that he is in control.   Keep praying, keep trusting, and know that in the midst of the storm, Jesus is always there.  There is a good purpose for this family crisis right now even if we cannot see it.  All of us may have varying opinions on the situation and what needs to be done, but we all must remain calm to discuss it and trust that God will guide us to the right answer.

Interestingly enough, after writing the above, another family member called me to talk about the situation.  A part of me feared another confrontation and another round of defensiveness.  But surprisingly it was a very good and open discussion.  The difference was that although we voiced some differences of opinion, we did so calmly.  Surprisingly, we found out that we agreed on a lot more points than we thought, and ultimately we agreed in the general assessment and approach we should take to help from here on out.

So, if you are going through a "storm" right now -- whatever it is.  Trust in the calm that only Jesus can bring to the situation, as I was reminded of today.  Do not be afraid for He is more powerful than even the strongest of storms.

Stage Fright

It has been months since I have written.  Uninterrupted time is hard to come by these days with three kids.  I get moments of silence when the older ones are playing nicely or when the baby is napping. . .  But managing three different sets of needs and schedules is BUSY!  Granted, I often waste these precious moments of free time on Facebook or Pinterest instead of being productive, but I am going on a tangent again. . .  For those who actually read my blog/ journal -- I apologize for not writing more often.  I have been busy, but more than that, the circumstances of daily life have been overwhelming me and by the end of the day I have been feeling drained.   I realize I have not been in the Word as much as in the past.  As a result perhaps I have been lacking inspiration to write -- until today.

Cara, my almost 3 year old daughter, loves everything princess and ballerina.  Today she had her ballet performance to end a great week of Princess Ballerina Camp.  She enjoyed this week immensely and would come home each day and tell me all that she did and show me her dance moves.  This afternoon our family (along with grandparents and aunt) gathered at the dance studio.  We saw her sitting and smiling broadly with her tiara on her head, princess wand in her hand, ballet slippers and tutu on -- patiently waiting for the cue from her instructors to start the performance.  Once it started she was doing well twirling, waltzing, doing plies. . .  But then I think the clapping and the "oooos and awwws" from the spectators combined with tiredness started to take a toll.  We saw our little ballerina go from smiles to a downcast, grumpy look until she refused to participate at all and curled in my lap for the remainder of the performance hiding her head. Her first experience with stage fright.

I found  myself thinking about stage fright and performance anxiety.  We've all been there and some may still experience it from time to time.  Maybe, like Cara, the stage fright has to do with dancing or theatrical performances.  Maybe it's sports related.  While watching the Olympics this week I am amazed at how brilliantly the athletes perform under so much stress and scrutiny -- with people all over the world watching them.  Maybe the anxiety is related to public speaking at school or at work.  All these types of "stage fright" are easy to identify and relate to.  However there are many subtle everyday instances of anxiety and fright that often go unnoticed.  They occur on invisible "stages" or arenas such as our homes and in our hearts and minds.  How often do we shy away from things that we love, enjoy, or believe in because we fear what others may think of us?  How often do we shut down in mind, body, heart, and spirit in the face of eyes scrutinizing us or watching us? 

The company Chick Fil A is being attacked for voicing their belief in biblical marriage as being between a man and a woman and supporting these beliefs by monetarily supporting anti-gay marriage legislation.  They are experiencing extreme criticism and backlash as a result.  Facebook and other social media sources are exploding with people voicing their opinions on both sides of this issue.  However, it struck me today how there are even more people who are NOT expressing their opinion.  In a country of free speech and expression, so many people are not sharing their opinions and thoughts, not even with close friends and family.  Why?  My conclusion:  stage fright.  All too often we fear what others will think of us, especially on controversial issues such as this.  

I wasn't planning to declare my beliefs about the Chick Fil A issue to the general public, let alone on Facebook and on this blog, but I could not shake the feeling that I needed to.  A voice in the back of my head kept nudging relentlessly until I started to type.  By nature I am not a brave person, but I do believe that God was prompting me to declare my beliefs for a purpose and I knew I had to obey.  When a record breaking number of people dined at Chick Fil A on Wednesday to show their support for the company, I was among them.  I could not help but wonder how many of these people will actually admit to friends and family that they were there?  So many Christians I think are subjected to stage fright.  The Christian way is not very popular so I can sympathize.  I have been there and still sometimes am not bold enough to declare my faith when I should.  

I believe in God.  I believe in Jesus.  I believe in the Bible as God's Word.  And I believe in the biblical definition of marriage as between a man and a woman.  However, I also believe that we are all sinners and have no right to judge each other's lives.  Only God has the right to judge and we will all stand before him one day.  I believe too much hate has been displayed on both sides of this Chick Fil A issue.  The most harmful would be from so-called Christians who are not showing love.  God is Love.  He loved us so much he sent his son, Jesus, to die for us on the cross.  So yes, don't give in to stage fright.  Express your beliefs and faith and do not shy away from them, whatever they are.  Do not be afraid.  There is no stage that God does not oversee.  However, do so with love and compassion, as He instructs us to do.  We are called to love one another despite race, ethnicity, beliefs, lifestyle, or the choices we make.  I have many friends and family who do not share the same beliefs and opinions that I do, but I love them all regardless, as God also loves us all.     

Feeding Time

I dread mealtimes at our house.  I seriously do.  Why?  Because I have picky eaters.  Not only do I have picky eaters, I have extremely slow eaters who often keep bites of food in their mouth for a half hour or more, often taking an hour to eat just a small bowl of cereal. . .  Mealtimes are not fun.  The two older girls are often fussing and crying about what I cooked.  "I don't want that!"  "I don't like that!"  "I want x instead."  And I sound like a broken record strongly encouraging (AKA often yelling at) them to eat and eat relatively quickly so we can get out the door.   To hear them and witness their behavior during mealtime you would think I was torturing them with food (unless it's chicken nuggets and french fries from McDonalds).  We usually set a timer and will take away food when time's up.  The problem is that my oldest has issues with low blood sugar.  So if she doesn't eat, her behavior can be awful.  She gets headaches, is cranky, irritable, and more impulsive.   I have friends whose kids eat fabulously and I keep wondering why mine are such awful eaters.  Why can't they just learn that they need food to grow and to feel good?   Why does it always have to be a struggle and why, oh why, can't they learn to do what is good for them?  And it dawned on me one day that we are like that with spiritual food, aren't we?  We often don't know what is good for us and we fight against spiritual sustenance.  We often choose to do anything but read the Bible; anything but pray; anything but go to church and do bible study; anything except spending time with the Lord. 

The baby has been wanting to nurse more frequently this past week and I think she must be going through a growth spurt.  As I was complaining about how often I was nursing -- which was as frequent as every hour -- I kept being reminded of the scripture verse, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty (John 6:35)."  This is an invitation from Jesus to feed on him (John 6:57).  This means to come to him, give our life into his hands, and to trust and believe in him.  He wants us to meditate on him and His Word day and night (Joshua 1:8).  He is the source of true spiritual food that will satisfy our hunger.  He is the living water (John 4:10) that will completely quench our thirst.  He will sustain us each and everyday and we will grow and reflect fruits of the spirit.

Unfortunately, just like my picky children fill up their stomachs with empty calories from snacks, I often fill up my plate and time with useless stuff such as Facebook or tv.  I often forget to fill up with what is really good for me such as time in the Word and personal prayer.  Just like my children who become irritable when their blood sugar drops, so too I get irritable, cranky, weak, and weary when I have not had my fill of spiritual food.  It's hard to get long stretches of uninterupted time with three kids.  I barely even have time to talk to the husband and my writing is often done in pieces, a little here and a little there, during moments when kids are playing nicely or napping.  The baby's constant need to nurse reminds me that I need to be doing the same with my spiritual life.  Frequency actually amounts to a lot of quantity.  I am trying to use the times when I am feeding the baby or rocking her to sleep to pray and to mediate on His word.  I have found that my days always go much better when I am able to fill my plate with his Word, his promises for my life and my family, and spend time with Him, however brief it may be.  I am not perfect and I often forgetful to do this.  On those days I feel more drained and exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I challenge myself and you to try and find a few moments each day to spend with the Lord, whether it be in prayer, in silence, or reading scriptures.  You will find it makes a big difference. 

Seeing their good qualities

Recently someone made a comment to me:  "It's so nice to see you enjoying her (referring to my baby, Evelyn)."  That comment struck a cord with me because it was followed later by a comment about how it seemed I was unhappy most of the time.  This talk made me realize that I had been complaining too much and my complaining was obviously making some people think I was unhappy and NOT enjoying my children.  Goodness, that means I need to stop complaining because of course I am NOT unhappy!  There are trying moments but overall I am happy and content, and I would not significantly change my life or the choices I have made thus far.  I love being a mother (however difficult it is at times) and I love being a wife (although sometimes I am so preoccupied being a mother I forget I am a wife and spare little time for my husband or our marriage). 

I write a lot about the trials that I go through, big and small, and the lessons that I learn from them.  I believe that most of my spiritual growth occurs in the trenches of daily life.  The trenches for me include times when I'm overwhelmed by parenting duties; when my kids are misbehaving; when my kids are disobeying me; when my husband and I fight; and when I struggle to balance the constant demands and responsibilities on my plate. . . These are the moments when my self-reliance, efforts, and pride prove insufficient -- instead His grace is more than enough.  It is in the trenches that I learn to die unto myself, giving up my selfish ways and attitudes, learning to become more of the person He wants me to be.  It is during trials when I learn to lean wholeheartedly on God.  So although I write mostly about these times, I want you to know that I also enjoy many wonderful, joyful, and beautiful moments with my children.  

I don't always share them here, but I do keep a journal for my children with quotes and daily recordings of things that they do and experiences that we get to share as a family.  Someday I plan to give them to my three princesses as a gift.  Someday when they are grown and perhaps have families of their own they might read my words and cherish them and know how much I love them.  Perhaps someday they will cry, laugh, and maybe even gain some wisdom from my ramblings. . .  Until then, despite the challenges I sometimes face being their mother, I am thankful for the precious moments I have with them.  I am thankful for how God gave me three beautiful little princesses, each specifically knit together in my womb, and given to me as a gift.  God chose me to be their mother for reasons I do not fully understand.  In the meantime, it is my primary task to raise them to be Godly women to the best of my ability, trusting that He will fill in where I am lacking.  And if I am to succeed in doing this, I realize that I have to stop focusing on their misbehavior and disobedience, and moments when they drive me almost insane.  I read a blog entry recently that convicted me about this:  http://impressyourkids.org/self-parenting-and-seeing-jesus-in-our-kids/.  In it the author writes:  

I want to SEE—SEE Jesus in the faces of my kids. Not just Jesus shining through them. Not just his attitudes and desires as their own. But I want to see them as the image of God and not just a child disobeying. I want to see them as souls designed to connect with their Creator and not as a pesky preschooler.

This challenged me. I can easily tell you the behaviors that I do not like in my children, but today I want to write about the qualities that I love about them and am thankful for.

This is Arianna, my 5 year old.  She is amazing.  She is petite and dainty with dark brown hair that catches the sun glinting red, and she has these large brown eyes that are so expressive and deep.   She is bright and inquisitive and very spirited. She takes after her father and has a great grasp of logic and reasoning. I sometimes say she is my little lawyer. She will debate and argue her point persistently. This can be trying at times for me as a parent, but I know this will be an asset to her when she is older. Her intellect is balanced by a good sense of imagination and creativity. She comes up with wonderful games and play to entertain her younger sister.  Arianna has great confidence and a good sense of who she is and what is right and wrong (even if she doesn't follow it always).  In many ways she seems a lot older than she really is because she is very verbal and articulate.  She was advanced and early in hitting her developmental milestones (and I am not just saying that as a biased mother).  She walked when she was 9 months old and ran by 10 months old and talking well before 2 years old.  Being such an early walker, her gross motor skills are great making her very agile and athletic.  She is also daring and adventurous when it comes to climbing, jumping, and physical feats.  Arianna is an extrovert and gets her energy from being around people and interacting with others.  She loves to talk.  She is also very mothering, like a little mother hen.  She takes very good care of her two younger sisters, taking them potty, brushing teeth, reading books, and getting diapers, and rocking them.  She has a wonderful servant's heart and I am thankful she is such a great mother's helper.  But most of all, I am thankful that at a mere 5 years old, Arianna already seems to have accepted Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior and nurtures a relationship with him where she will pray to him when scared or upset.  She also seems to have a grasp of the fundamentals of Christianity and faith.  Praise the Lord!

This is Cara, my 2.5 year old.  She is absolutely darling.  She is tall, taking after her father's side of the family.  Her hair and complexion are the lightest of my three girls.  Her hair is always a bit unruly, not wanting to lay straight, curling in here and there, adding to her adorable personality.  I always say that she smiles with her eyes because they literally sparkle when she laughs and smiles.  She is generally mild, quiet-tempered, and soft-spoken in comparison to her sister.  By nature she seems more of an introvert.  She is often content sitting and reading, drawing, or watching TV, but she also delights in playing the games that big sister comes up with.  Yet after being in the company of big sister or other playmates for too long, she always desires her own personal space. She generally is more cautious in nature, seeming to assess risk before she delves into things.  She definitely is a girly girl and adores everything "princess."  She always likes to wear pretty, frilly dresses or skirts rather than jeans and pants.  She loves to play dress-up and has a rainbow tutu that she wears almost every day along with butterfly/ fairy wings.  She likes to dance ballet and twirl all around the house.  She LOVES the color purple, almost to obsession.  She always picks the purple crayon or marker, the purple shoes, and purple dress (unfortunately being a 2nd child she has lots of hand-me downs from big sister that are mostly pink).  Cara also seems very attuned to the feelings of others and seems to be a sensitive soul while being a bit sassy at the same time.  She has a wonderful imagination and sense of humor that is only starting to unfold and it's wonderful to witness.                                           

Last but not least, this is Evelyn.  She is only one month old -- how time flies already!  She is adorable and we are so in love! It is still too early to know what her personality will be like, but for now I am thankful for her nursing better and sleeping better. I am thankful for her precious baby smiles and coos that make waking up in the middle of the night worth it. I love her soft hair and smooth skin and the sweet baby scent that can't adequately be described.

Lord, thank you for my precious angels.  Thank you that today I could take a moment to savor their wonderful qualities and what wonderful gifts they are to me.  Help me even in the midst of their misbehavior and disobedience to remember to view them through your eyes, Lord.  Thank you for letting me be their mother.  Please guide me in wisdom and discernment as I parent them.  Amen. 

I Will Never Let You Go

Today started out a great day.  I had decent sleep last night.  Breakfast went well enough.  Carpool to preschool went well.  The two youngest and I then ran errands and by chance got to see the Discovery Space Shuttle flying around, preparing to land at the airport.  Amazing sight!

Things quickly unraveled when we parked in front of the house.  For some reason Cara did not want to get out of the car.  Then she wanted me to carry her into the house but already my hands were full with bags.  I told her to quickly go into the house so that I could get the baby out of the car.  "NO!"   she adamantly exclaimed.  "I don't want to!"  I could hear the baby crying in the car, so I dropped the bags in the house, picked Cara up, plopped her inside, then ran back outside to grab the baby.  We got inside and Cara starts throwing a fit!  I put the baby down since she had fallen back asleep and prepared for battle.

Cara kept screaming, sprawling on the ground.  At first I ignored her to see if she would calm down on her own.  She kept crying.  So then I try to approach her and held out my arms to see if she would come to me for comfort.  She didn't want that either, and instead screamed "No!" even louder.  I tried bribes for ice cream, candy, treats. . .none worked.  I then tried the threat of negative consequences if she didn't calm down and obey.  That didn't seem to work either.  I realized that this tantrum had gotten completely out of control.  I realized that she was in what we call the "red zone," meaning that she was too worked up to calm herself down.  She needed help.

Overall, Cara has been our easier and milder child compared to Arianna, our oldest.  However, Cara also has a stubborn, strong-willed side to her that occasionally comes out in moments like this.  We've been seeing it more and more the past couple of months since she turned 2.5 years old.  This  coincided with bedrest for me with the difficult pregnancy and then the birth of Evelyn.  I am sure there are so many emotions that she is experiencing and can not express.  Change and transitions are hard for adults, let alone young children.  Although she dotes on the baby and loves to hold her, the baby's arrival meant Cara's world sort of turned upside down.  She was no longer the baby of the family.  Suddenly more was expected of her.  Mom and Dad didn't have much time anymore and probably both are more short-tempered than usual due to overall lack of sleep.  So this tantrum I realized, was triggered by something that happened between car and home. . maybe tiredness, maybe hunger. .  but triggers aside, the tantrum was compounded by all the other emotions that have been bottled up in that little heart of hers.  She was overloaded and didn't have the appropriate resources to deal with it all.  So I picked her up and held her.

I held on tight, not letting go, even while she hit, kicked, squirmed, and scratched me.  I have some bruises and scratches to prove it!  Cara kept screaming and crying, "Let me go! I don't want you! Leave me alone!"  She is strong and I had to use all of my strength to hold her and rock her while she shoved at me with all her strength.  I shhhhhhhed her and kept saying, "I will not let go.  I love you.  I am your mommy and I will not let go.  I won't let you keep doing this behavior that can hurt you.  You need to calm down and I will help you.  I love you.  You can fight me all you want, but I will only hold on tighter.  I am your mommy."   Eventually she stopped fighting me and I was able to loosen my hold and we cuddled for a bit.  But then the baby started to wake up and cry because she was hungry.  Cara didn't want me to leave her side to get the baby, so she started to cry again, "Mommy!  Don't leave me!  I want you to hold me!"  I had to explain to her that I would never leave her, but I did have to help the baby also because she also needed me.  She was not happy about this, but was calm enough now that I was able to suggest a nap, took her upstairs, kissed her, tucked her in, and left her to rest.  I then went downstairs to nurse the baby who had also been crying.

It took an hour from the start of the tantrum to the end.  I know because I noted the time on the clock.  In that hour, especially while I was holding her, I kept praying.  I prayed for wisdom to know what to do to comfort her.  I prayed that she would hear my words and know I loved her.  I prayed also for personal strength and patience.  I prayed for my will to be strong enough to curb her strong will. As I was telling Cara, "I will not leave you.. ."  I kept also hearing a voice that was telling me, "I will never leave you nor will I forsake you (Joshua 1:5; Hebrews 13:5)."  I knew that in that moment God was also teaching me a lesson.  I will admit I have been experiencing some postpartum blues.  Here the Lord was using a situation with my daughter to remind me of his love for me and his promise for me.  The Lord is my heavenly father and he would never leave me.  I realized that as much as I might struggle and fight against his love sometimes, as Cara was doing to me in frustration and emotional upset, He would not let me go.  He would hold on all that much stronger, so that when I finally realized and accepted His comfort and love again, I would feel safe and secure in it.

I encourage you today, if you are reading this, to know that God loves you unconditionally.  Even if you are angry, frustrated, and upset with Him, accusing him and mistrusting him, fighting against him with all your might, He is there.  He won't abandon you.  He has your best interests in mind.  He will hold on and pour love into you until you feel it -- just let him.  Let go of your defenses and let Him give you His sufficient grace.  All of this free as long as we accept His gift to us, His son, Jesus.





 

Sufficient strength for "those" days

It has been one of "those" days.  It all starts with sleep deprivation.  The baby was up and fussy last night (we think due to gas).  She was up from 3:00ish to 6:00ish.  Nothing I did seemed to make her happy.  When she finally fell asleep, I tried to do the same.  As I was finally drifting off I heard the other bedroom door open and my two older daughters talking and giggling. . . It was 7:15 AM.  My husband had to go to work and I had to get into gear for a long day with my girls.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my new baby girl and I know this phase will pass and things will get better.  Yet, at present, I'm walking around most days like a zombie.  I am absent minded, slow, impatient, irritable, and emotional.  I'm in survival mode.  Granted, in some ways the adjustment from two children to three has been easier than I thought, and by the grace of God I somehow made it through the first week alone with them well enough.  Today was the start of week two on my own, and unfortunately we are off to a rocky start.  Let me give you a run-down of how my day went:

Breakfast went ok enough because I just gave them PediSure shakes to drink and fruit.  It's packed with calories and easy.  My girls are picky eaters, my oldest especially.  My second actually eats decent overall but has been in a picky phase lately.   This morning I just did not have the patience to cook a breakfast and have them sit forever.  I didn't even have time to eat something myself yet when the baby started crying, needing to be fed.  I go sit in the living room to nurse.  The girls turn on the TV and a part of me starts feeling guilty for letting them watch so much television.  Quickly, I then tell myself, it's ok because even though it's on all day, they don't sit glued to it like some kids.  True enough, within minutes they start bouncing and running around playing.  The baby is still nursing but not well, she keeps breaking latch and then I have to latch her back on.  It is very frustrating.  She reminds me of my oldest who was very finicky. . . My second was a champion nursing infant.  Suddenly shrieking and crying from the kitchen.  I wait and it continues.  "No sissy!  That's mine!"  "No, it's mine!"  More crying.  I feel my shoulders tense up.  I pray, "Lord, give me patience and strength!"  Do I put the baby down and go check on them or do I sit and keep nursing?  I decide to keep nursing because the baby afterall is already fussing and hungry but keeps breaking latch.  So I yell, "What is going on in there?"  Both start telling me between shrieks their side of the story.  I yell for them to come out to the living room.  I have to resort to counting. . . 1. . . 2. . . 3. . . They come but are not happy.  We resolve the issue for the moment.  They resume happy playing. 

Finally the baby is done nursing and for the moment seems to be asleep again.  I realize I'm still in my nightgown and have not yet showered or brushed my teeth.  Eating can wait. . . I take the baby upstairs and put her in her bassinet/ co-sleeper by my bed.  I make the girls come upstairs also and stay on my bed watching TV while I shower with the bathroom door open.  I put the oldest in charge -- she likes that.  I take a quick 5 minute shower and get dressed.  The girls are fighting again. . . Baby dosn't seem all that happy either because her older sisters were doting on her and disturbing her sleep.   I decide we need a change of scenery.  I suggest a walk.  Everyone agrees.  It still takes us a while to get out the door.  Have to take everyone potty, put on shoes, put on jackets. . .

It's a beautiful day but a bit chilly.  I put the baby in the bjorn carrier and make the girls walk to burn off energy instead of taking the stroller.  We take a longer walk than usual.  We look for geese at the creek, squirrels, birds.  Things are looking up.  Then the two year old trips and falls.  Crying.  I pray another quick prayer, "Lord please let her be ok because I can't carry her and the baby all the way back home!"  Thankfully she is ok.  We continue to walk but by now they are both starting to drag their feet and the five year old is complaining her feet hurt.  We head home.  I'm feeling a little more sore myself and I realize that the long walk started my bleeding again.  It's only been 3 weeks since birth.  My body is still healing. 

Inside the TV is turned on again.  The girls want a snack and drinks.  Then they are running around and playing again.  I am feeding the baby again.  She spits up everywhere.  Change her into a new outfit.  Change her diaper.  Then change it again.  Then more shrieking and crying and fighting from the two older girls.  More yelling from me.  Another prayer, "Lord, give me patience and strength!"  I know they are bored.  A whole week home on spring break with no school and no activities means lots of restlessness.  

I realize it's lunchtime.  I realize I haven't had much to eat all morning and I hadn't been drinking much water so was feeling alittle dehydrated.  Nursing does that to me.  Ok, what to feed the kids?  Put baby down since she's asleep.  Give the girls yogurt and fruit and milk.  Urgh, baby's up again.  Wet diaper.  Change.  She's rooting again hungry because she didn't nurse well previous session.   At least now she's nursing pretty decent.  Good this means she'll nap longer.  The girls still not done with lunch.  They are playing and distracted.  More yelling, "Hurry up and finish your lunch!  Mommy can't help you because I'm feeding the baby!"  Finally lunch is over.  Baby peacefully asleep in the swing.  Take 2 year old up to her room for naptime.  She seems tired.  Good maybe I'll be able to nap myself, but wait, need to eat first.  Heat up some leftover pizza.  5 year old pleading for me to play with her.  Mommy guilt.  "Lord, please, patience and strength!"  I play with her a little while then say that mommy needs to rest.  I lay down on the couch, she watches TV.  I tell her to come cuddle with me and she does for a minute. . . I doze in and out.  I hear her go the bathroom and turn on the water. . . She comes out with her water squirter.  I watch as she stands in front of the TV and dumps out the water onto the floor.  I sit up.  "What do you think you are doing?  You know better!  Go get towels to clean it up!"  She does.  I lay down again.  I hear a crashing sound.  She is sitting on top of a plastic container of toys and knocking over other toys in the process.  "Lord give me patience and strength!"  I know she is restless and she is my child who constantly needs to move and be active.  Quiet time is always hard for her.  The door bell rings.  It's the little girl next door asking if my daughter can come out and play.  YAY!  Excitement.  I make sure it's ok with my neighbor who is outside.  He says yes.  I tell my daughter she has to first clean up, put on shoes, then go to potty before going outside.  She throws a little fit, stomps her feet and pouts saying she doesn't want to.   "You do not talk to mommy like that, missy!  And it's your choice.  Do as I ask or don't go outside"  She apologizes and obeys.  I let her go outside -- yay break for me too!  No wait, 2 year old is up.  Take her potty than give her snack.  She wants to go outside.  I say no, not yet.  Baby is up and wants to feed again.  Nursing her then door bell rings again. 

It's a mom from the Moms Club bringing me a meal.  Oh bless her!  We haven't met before so we start chatting to get acquainted.  She suddenly says, "I think the baby spit up."  I look at baby in my arms and don't see anything.  The mom points to the floor.  I look down.  I see bright yellow/ orange.  I think that doesn't look like spit up.  I realize, Oh, it's poo.  Nursing babies have bright yellow poo.  Somehow it leaked out of her diapers and pants onto the floor.  Oh, and seems some got on my pants as well.  I put baby in the changing tray on the pack and play.  Clean up the floor and my pants.  Change and clean up baby. . . The mom leaves.   I then take the baby and 2 year old and go outside for a few minutes to check on oldest daughter.  She is having a blast playing with her friends.  I get to chat with my neighbor who also just had a baby.  I keep yawning.  I can't help it.  I'm just so tired!

We go back inside.  I realize I have to bake the potpie the mom brought and it takes an hour and half.  Plus the girls won't eat it.  So I decide to just heat up chicken nuggets for their dinner.  Put pie in the oven for my husband and I.  Girls finish dinner after a while. . .  I nurse the baby again.  5 year old takes red crayon and draws on the table.  "Lord, patience and strength, please!"  "Why did you do that?"  "I don't know. . . "  I realize she is trying to get attention.  I make her clean it up.  She scrubs it off -- thank goodness for washable crayons.  I look at clock and count down til husband comes home and bedtime. . . Girls fighting yet again over same toys!   Ok, need change of scenery.  Everyone upstairs to mommy's room.  Baby crying because she wants to sleep again.  Girls jumping on the bed giggling and playing.  "Please be careful!"  Baby zonks out and I put her down.  I sit on the bed with the girls and I hug them.  They giggle and play under the covers.  I realize time is so fleeting.  They are only this little for so long.  Soon they will be too big to jump on the bed and play under the covers.  I realize, ok, so it hasn't been a great day and I am exhausted, but gosh, I love them!   We hear the front door open.  Yay, daddy is home!  Reinforcements!!!!

"Lord, thank you so much for sufficient strength to make it through the day!"  I know I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own, or at the very least not as well.  I would have probably let my anger and frustration control me and exploded at my girls or broken down crying.  But with His help, I maintained control.  God does not promise that we will always have happy, wonderful, great days.  In fact, the bible is clear that we will experience troubles in our lifetime.  He will use daily circumstances to test our faith, prepare us, and mold us so that we have more Godly character.  We may not know his plans for us but we know they are plans for good.  But we can be encouraged knowing that His grace and strength are always sufficient to carry us through even the more difficult of days.  We just have to learn to seek His strength daily -- moment to moment! 

When you are weary and in need of sufficient strength, I encourage you to remind yourself of scriptures passages such as these:

Psalm 105:4Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

 

   

The truth about Easter

I scrambled the other day to go to the store and buy Easter items.  Like so many other parents, there I was at Target gathering the cute little knick-knacks and candy to fill our children's baskets.  Why?  Because we are so bombarded with commercial images of what Easter should look like.  The truth is none of that matters.  Easter is not about commercial items.  There is nothing wrong with Easter baskets.  It is a fun tradition and we do it in our family.  However, the focus of Easter should not be these material things.  I tell my girls that Easter is not about the baskets, it's about God's son, Jesus.  I tell them that Easter isn't about the Easter bunny --  the Easter bunny is only Jesus' helper, bringing us gifts so that we remember that Jesus gave his life for us and gave us the gift of eternal life.  I tell them, Easter is not about the fun egg hunts --  it is about searching our hearts and making room for Jesus, worshiping him and praising his name.

I look at the faces of my sweet children and I am overcome with love for them. Sure, they try my patience often, but this time I have with them is so fleeting. They grow up so fast. Already my baby is going to be 3 weeks old. My oldest is 5 years old. I want to enjoy this time with them but most of all I want to make this time with them count for something more. I want to make sure I equip them for the future not just in knowledge but in spiritual fortitude. Growing up I felt so lost and unloved and unappreciated. I did not know my Lord and Savior. I want to spare my children that heartache and darkness. I pray that they will know Jesus at a tender age. I want my children to grow up loving Him. I want them to understand the true meaning of Easter and that it is not just a holiday to be celebrated once a year.  Easter bunnies and egg hunts aside, what Jesus did for us on the cross and his resurrection should be celebrated each and every day. 

Given the birth of our new little princess I admit we have not done as much leading up to Easter as I had hoped or planned.  I had all these great ideas about teaching them valuable spiritual truths through fun exercises and activities (e.g., teaching about servant-hood by washing each other's feet on Maudy Thursday, etc.). . . Needless to say, most of these grand ideas did not happen.  At the very least we are reading them the Easter story and using Resurrection eggs to help tell the story.  You can also make your own and can find instructions on how to make them online.  I did this one year but have since misplaced them.  So this year we decided to just buy them at a local Christian book store.  The girls love to open up each egg and see the little "toys" inside that illustrate the events leading up to Christ's death and resurrection. We also enjoy making Resurrection rolls. Essentially this is just taking crescent rolls and putting a marshmallow inside each to represent Jesus (the rolls represent the tomb). After baking them, the marshmallow disappears and the kids are always amazed. We then talk about how Jesus disappeared from the tomb because he rose from the dead. 

Please don't let Easter pass without casting your eyes upon the cross and reflecting and accepting the gift that Jesus gave us on the cross.  In death he gave us life.  More than that, Easter is the day that Jesus rose conquering death.  Alive, He gives us hope and a relationship with a living savior.  Easter is a day for rejoicing!!!  He is risen! He will return to us again one day -- perhaps not in our lifetime, but maybe in the lifetime of our children or grandchildren.  Let's make sure to teach them the truth about Easter. 

Full Surrender and Trust

The last time I wrote, I wrote about being patient waiting for the Lord's timing.  I wrote about being in the "waiting room."  After writing that post I felt at a good place.  I felt at peace and reassured that God was in control. . . . Unfortunately, that peace lasted only a few days. . .  I am still in that waiting room and the past few days I have grown anxious.  It is not God's fault.  He is ever faithful!  Instead, I have realized today that my lack of peace is a consequence of my own weakness.  More on that later.   First let me fill you in on the events leading up to this personal revelation.

Obviously baby #3 still has not arrived -- despite many false alarms.   In fact, last night we were in the ER because we thought my waters had broken.  After having emptied myself (so I thought) in the restroom, I lay down hoping to fall asleep early.  Feeling wetness, I stood up.  The baby moved abruptly and oddly.  Immediately afterwards, I felt a huge gush of liquid come out wetting my pants and legs.  I have never had my waters break at home.  With my past two pregnancies, my waters have broken only after the onset of labor and by the doctor.  Needless to say, I was a bit panicked.  We paged our doctor on call and while waiting for her to call back I continued to feel trickling wetness.  . . We thought for sure this was it!  The doctor called and told us to come into the hospital to get checked out.   We got my neighbor to stay at our house until the in-laws came.  The girls were thankfully asleep in their room.   After an hour or so at the hospital we were sent home.  The test was negative for amniotic fluid.  I was embarrassed to learn that it was probably just my own urine and that I had lost control of my bladder and peed on myself!  They thought perhaps the baby was positioned in such a way that it's sudden and strong movements caused the sudden gush and trickling wetness I felt.

They discharged me from the hospital and on the way home I found myself irritated, upset, and taking my frustrations out on my poor husband.  I found myself yelling and saying nonsensical things and crying. . .  He reminded me that my reaction (although partly attributable to hormones) was evidence that I had not fully surrendered myself to God and His will and timing for this pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  My husband reminded me that I needed to practice what I preach and live and behave like the Christian I am meant to be, especially during these times of trial.  He reminded me to focus on what God could be trying to teach me with this experience.   In my state of mind and mood, that was the last thing I wanted to hear.   I am ashamed to even think or write  about how I responded to his gentle rebuke!  But after pondering it, the Holy Spirit truly convicted me.   I hate to admit it, but my husband was right.  I ended up apologizing to him and he showed me much grace and love -- more than I probably deserved after all that I said.

In failing to be steadfast and focused on the Lord, I failed on two fronts.  First,  I let down my spiritual guard and allowed my emotions to get the better of me.  I let sinful anger enter into my heart, speech and action.  Worse of all, the sin was directed at my loving husband who did not deserve any of it.  Second, instead of surrendering completely to God's will, in my impatience I was holding on tightly to my notions of how things should be.  After three weeks of bedrest and a hard third trimester, I was ready to have this baby!  I wanted the timing to be NOW!   On our way to the ER last night I had prayed, "Lord, please let labor and delivery go well.  Please let the baby be healthy. . ."    I was disappointed and angry because I believed in my head that this trip to the ER was it.   I was going to be admitted and the baby would come.  There was no where in my plan for me to be sent home!  I was so focused on praying for the course of events that I wanted to happen, I failed to seek God's will and pray for his will to be done rather than my own.  I failed to pray for the patience to accept his will, whatever the outcome.

Outwardly I had people convinced that I had given up control and was waiting patiently for the Lord.  I even convinced myself.  But God knew better.  He knows the state of our true heart even if we delude ourselves and others.   The state of my heart was apparent after last night's ER visit and today's visit with the doctor.  I harbored disappointment, frustration, anxiety and even some anger when things did not go my way.

My CBS (Community Bible Study) leader reminded me of a verse that I will definitely commit to memory.  She reminded me of  Isaiah 26:3-4 that says, "You (God) will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  Trust in the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal."  God is steady as a rock.  His nature does not change.  He is peace and comfort.  If I am not at peace, that is not his doing.  It is my own.  It is my own fault for not trusting him completely enough to let go of my control issues.  It is my own fault for losing sight of Him and holding my mind steadfast and focused on Him and his faithfulness.   I am reminded of all those times when I have been able to completely reach out to him in brokenness and complete surrender and say, "Lord, you know best!  I cannot do this on my own!  I need you.  I need your peace.  I need your grace.  I am weak, you are strong!  Whatever your plans are for me, let your will be done and not my own.  And please give me the strength to accept your will, whatever it may be."  In those moments, He has been faithful and fulfilled all His promises to my family and blessed us abundantly more than we ever expected.

I don't know where you are in your faith and spiritual walk,  but let me encourage you to trust in the Lord as I am learning to do daily.  To trust in the Lord daily means to put our life in his hands, allowing him to steer and lead us with his firm hand.  It is a daily surrendering and "dying" of ourselves as we submit to him in every aspect of our lives.  It is difficult to do -- I am a prime example of that!  But it's so worth it to gain the peace that he offers so wholeheartedly and so freely.  

In the Waiting Room

It is 3:00 AM.  Why am I up and writing? Insomnia aside, I'm up and writing at this hour because prior to going to bed I felt the Lord urging me to write since I have not done so in a while.  I felt him prompting me to write about my experiences these past few weeks in the "waiting room."  The waiting room I am referring to is the place where we as humans often sit and are asked to wait on the Lord.  Much like the doctor's office, it can be a restless place.  When will it be my turn?  When will my name be called?  It could be mere minutes or on certain frustrating occasions it can stretch to a half hour, an hour or even longer.

I have been in this waiting room for several weeks now. . .  I began dilating and having contractions around 31 weeks.  The contractions were occurring frequently and regularly and episodes would last for up to several hours each night.  There was some concern that I might go into preterm labor so my OB doctor ordered bedrest at 32 weeks.  Those of you who have multiple children know how hard this is to do.   Children still have daily needs that have to be met and you have to meet them even while technically on "bedrest."  Thankfully we received a lot of help from kind neighbors, friends, and family.  They helped to drive my children to school and various activities, bring meals so I did not have to get up much to cook, and provided the girls with entertainment in the form of playdates.  My mother-in-law even came for a few days to help with chores around the house and taking care of the girls.   We felt very blessed by all the love and help.

Three weeks of bedrest was tough but I obeyed orders to the best of my ability because I did not want the baby to come prematurely and have to be in the NICU or have other complications related to premature birth.  We prayed for the baby to stay put for a few more weeks til it was safer for it to come out.  We prayed for patience for me while on bedrest and being unable to do the things I normally do.  We prayed for peace about accepting God's timing.   And all the while we waited. . .   There were several "false alarms" due to contractions and we would think, "Ok, this is it!  It's time!"  We experienced anxiety, excitement, and anticipation. . . When will the baby come?  Any minute!  But then another day would pass, then a week, two weeks, and still nothing. . .

Now I am safely at 36 weeks and officially off bedrest.  Praise God!  But I am still in that waiting room.  It would seem that I served my time on bedrest well because it slowed down the labor progress.  As of Monday there had been some change with effacement and dilation, indicating that my body is indeed prepping for labor, but not as much as we had feared.  So it's still up in the air when this baby will arrive.  The doctor said it could be days, another week, or maybe even two.  Hard to say because every woman and pregnancy is different.  Today I was experiencing a lot of contractions and there was a point again when I thought, "This could be it!  I might have a leap day baby (born on Feb. 29th would mean a birthday only every 4 years!)."  But eventually the contractions subsided.  Then I woke up tonight with several more contractions that have since also subsided. . . I'm glad the baby and I have made it this long together, but I have to admit I am ready for pregnancy to be over!  I want to meet the face of my sweet babe and hold him or her!  I am praying very hard to maintain peace during this time and to stay patient.  I also pray that I am learning the lessons that God intends for me to learn during this trial.

What I have learned is that waiting is more than a fact of life --  it is a spiritual discipline.  Some scriptures that speak on this topic:

Wait for the Lord;  Be strong, and take heart and wait for the Lord.  (Psalm 27:14)
  
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. . . Do not fret -- it leads only to evildoing. . . those who wait patiently for the Lord will inherit the land. (Psalm 37:7-9)


Be still and know I am God!  (Psalm 46:10)


The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,  to the person who seeks him. (Lamentations 3:25)


Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, the will walk not not be faint. (Isaiah 40-31)

Waiting is hard, but it is a test of patience.  Waiting is an act of the will and an act of obedience to God and at the end of the journey we are richly blessed.   As we wait, we learn that our self-efforts are futile.  We continue to take care of the tasks and responsibilities that God has given to us and we do not sit idle.  However, we learn that the larger things are out of our hands and control.  We learn that God is in control of it all and he has a plan for us that is better than what we have for ourselves.  As we wait we gain confidence and trust in the Lord to provide for us all that we need.  We experience more appropriate anticipation and expectation as we realize that whatever will come will be His gift to us according to his perfect timing.  "He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end (Ecclesiastes 4:6)."  Time for God is different than time for us.  He sees everything, past, present and future.  And things that are to occur in our life have been written in his book long before they even came to be.  As humans we cannot even fathom all of his ways.  We might get glimpses of his will here and there and because of that we can trust that he has our good in mind.   This baby will come soon and in due time.  What a miracle and blessing that will be!  So why do I need to fret?  Why do I need to be anxious?  I need to rest assured that he/ she will arrive beautifully in its time ordained by God himself.  Yes, I am still in the waiting room, but my name will be called very, very soon indeed!  Meanwhile, all I need do is wait and take care of the things that I can take care of (e.g., pack my bags).

Perhaps you are in the waiting room also.  Are you waiting for a new job?  Are you waiting to be pregnant and have a baby of your own?  Are you waiting for your beloved to propose and take the plunge into marriage?  Are you waiting for your house to sell or maybe a contract on a new home to come through?  Where ever you are in your waiting process, I hope this post has encouraged you. Trust in Him.  He is ever faithful -- more than we deserve!  If it is in His will, it will be your turn soon.  Your name will be called and when it is called, rest assured it will be in his perfect timing!  But of course, sometimes your name may not be called and that may mean that you are in the wrong waiting room.  Pray for his wisdom and guidance during those times to lead you to the right waiting room.