Praying for our marriages

On my knees, on the floor, against the side of the bed, I was stooped and weeping.  The weight of my own failings as a wife, weariness from poor communication, and emotional disconnection kept me there.  My soul was crying for our marriage.  My husband and I had been warring with each other all week.  He was on the bed, leaning over the edge, clasping my hands in his hands.  He too didn't know what was happening.  Yet, we both knew we needed to pray.  Silently I poured out my soul to the Lord.  Out loud my husband prayed over our marriage, over his brokenness, over my brokenness -- asking for a hedge of protection from evil that would separate us. . . . Slowly the darkness receded. . . .   The storm calmed. . . .  The dust cleared. . . And we found our way back to each other again, reminded of how much we love each other.

It is no accident that God paired us together.  My husband is strong where I am weak; and I am strong where he is weak.  We balance each other.  The problem is that we both have very strong personalities and are stubborn.  We tend to hold our ground in arguments rather than concede.  We both tend to feel justified and "right".  We both like to have the last word.   Being "right" means that we must prove the other wrong, since there can't be two "rights" can there?  

Yet, God's word tells us, "People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their heart (Proverbs 21:2)."   In other words, everyone can justify their own beliefs, opinions, and viewpoints to themselves and sometimes to others.  That doesn't necessarily mean that our hearts and motives are just, honorable, or right.  Scripture teaches us to be peacemakers and to avoid conflict.  "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace (Colossians 3:15)"   "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God (Matthew 5:9)."  If we are arguing to further our agenda, or prove ourselves right and others wrong, that is not being a peacemaker.  Truly only God's way is the Right way.

One of my biggest fears is that my marriage will fail.  I worry that it will become another statistic.   I worry I will walk the path that so many others in my family have walked -- that of separation and divorce.  If that happens, I worry for what it will do to my children.  If you are divorced and reading this, I am not judging.  If you are a child of divorced parents, I am not saying this is how you would feel.   I can only speak of my own experiences.   For me,  I believe a lot of my emotional issues have stemmed from my broken home.  I grew up wounded and hurting.  Trust, love, forgiveness and grace were difficult concepts for me to learn and accept.   Early on in our relationship and marriage I would lash out at my husband and "test" him often to see if he would leave me -- as I expected him to do.   Yet, thankfully he never did.  

If you are married or in a committed relationship, can you relate?  Does your past sometimes sneak up on you and overwhelm your present?  Our marriage is not perfect.  I don't think any marriage or relationship can be.  How can it be when there are two imperfect sinners -- each selfish in their own way -- who are trying to become one and live in harmony?  Some days things run smoothly and the next it doesn't. There are many ups and many downs.  But that is the journey that we are on.  Because of my past and the fears stemming from them, the down moments so often seem larger than life, making them seem more catastrophic than they truly are. In reality, the wonderful up moments far out number the down moments. 

God tells us to cast all our fears and anxieties onto Him who can shoulder our burdens.  I have learned to do this in so many areas of my life:  my day to day with the girls; my ministry; illness and health issues of loved ones; conflict with friends and neighbors; etc.  I truly don't worry much about those aspects of my life and rarely do they bring me down.  Sometimes people do or say hurtful things to me and I truly don't take any of it to heart.  With the Lord's help, I am able to show mercy and grace to so many others.  Yet, with my husband and our marriage, I am realizing that I do not show enough grace.  I am realizing the reason is that in this one area I still harbor fear and worry.   It has been a process.  We have come so very far over the past 16 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage.  Yet there is so much more growth we both need to do individually and together.  I am realizing that I have not fully turned this relationship over to the Lord.   

Yesterday on the floor of our bedroom, while we prayed,  the Lord spoke to my heart and made me realize that although much of my life has been given to Jesus as a living sacrifice, I was still holding tight to my marriage.  I realized that I was trying to make it work by my own efforts -- way more than I realized.  We attend marriage classes at church; we go on date nights when possible; we spend a lot of time "discussing" the issues of our marriage; but we were not making God head of it.  We are prayer warriors for friends and family who are suffering through hard times.  We pray fervently for our children and each other.  Yet, I realized yesterday that we were not praying together specifically enough over our own marriage.

Change happens as we pray together.  God uses it to soften both of our hearts.  As our hearts soften, God reveals to us areas that we need to work on.  He restores the "right spirit" within us (Psalm 51:10) so that we become more compassionate towards each other.  Only then can we reconcile and reconnect.  It is there that God turns conflict into peace and love.  Marriage and relationships are difficult and they are messy.  By our own efforts we might be able to make it work -- but I truly believe that it wouldn't be as fulfilling as when the Lord is center of it.  We would not be transformed for the better without the Lord using our marriage to mold and shape us.   

So, if you are reading this and going through a tough spot in your marriage, I encourage you to pray more together over your relationship.  It might mean talking less to each other about the issues.  With the Lord's help, we are striving to do the same.  Together let's see the Lord bless our marriages and relationships beyond measure.