Reflection in the mirror

In my earlier post I said that I have been transformed in Christ.  But change and transformation is an ongoing process, and it does not mean perfection.   How I wish it did!  Unfortunately, I am still a hopelessly flawed individual (more on that later).  But for now, let me talk of change.  The biggest and most immediate change that I noticed in myself was that the darkness lifted and I felt a peace and love that I had never known when I accepted Jesus into my heart.  And that chipped away at all the walls that I had put up to protect myself.  God loved me so much he sent his only son to die for me on the cross, to redeem me of my sins.  He forgave me and freed me from the chains I had enforced on myself.  The skeptics out there may ask, how did I know this peace and freedom was from my new-found faith?  I knew because I had tried everything else to fill my heart and my life.  I even studied psychology, going so far as doing all requirements for a Ph.D except for internship and dissertation.  I was attracted to the field because I was looking for a way to fix myself, to find some magic cure for the depression that was slowly eating away at my soul.  I would not have admitted it back then, but all emphasis on research, classes, and clinical work was just a way to distract myself from my own problems.  It was easier to focus on other people's issues and fix them then look at my own reflection in the mirror.  What I am saying is not meant to devalue psychology or the wonderful work that many therapists do.  This is only my personal experience I am talking about. 


After a few years in grad school, I became so depressed I sought out psychotherapy and was prescribed antidepressants.  This all helped a little, but the loneliness and the void were still there.  This is when the Lord decided to intervene with the force of a sledge hammer!  Oh, I am so grateful he did!  So let me backtrack a little and explain:  I had been going to church with my boyfriend at the time (now my husband), but I had not been ready to fully commit my life to Jesus.  I was still skeptical.  In winter of 2003, I became suddenly stricken with a mysterious ailment.  I was in extreme pain, was in and out of the hospitals for tests, and seeing different specialists.  Finally, I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia.  Look it up if you are curious.  But this is what Wikipedia says:

Trigeminal neuralgia (TN), tic douloureux^[1] (also known as prosopalgia,^[2] the Suicide Disease^[3] or Fothergill's disease^[4]) is a neuropathic disorder characterized by episodes of intense pain in the face, originating from the trigeminal nerve. One, two, or all three branches of the nerve may be affected. It is "one of the most painful conditions known to humans, yet remains an enigma to many health professionals."^[5] This pain may be felt in the ear, eye, lips, nose, scalp, forehead, cheeks, teeth, and/or jaw and side of the face; some patients also experience pain in their left index finger.^[6] Trigeminal neuralgia (TN) is not easily controlled but can be managed with a variety of treatment options.^[7] It is estimated that 1 in 15,000 people suffer from trigeminal neuralgia, although the actual figure may be significantly higher due to frequent misdiagnosis. In a majority of cases, TN symptoms begin appearing after the age of 50, although there have been cases with patients being as young as three years of age. It is more common in females than males.^[8]

I was told it is a chronic condition and there was no real cure. I was in so much pain I became bedridden, taking pain killers which made me even more disoriented. I withdrew from the semester. I stopped seeing friends. Believe it or not, I even stopped showering for a time because the water in the shower actually made my face hurt! I can go on and on, but I won't bore you with all the details. What I will say is that during that time I felt broken and defeated -- body, mind, and soul. And that is when I cried out for the first time to the Lord and he answered me and comforted me. And that is when I began reading the Bible. One day after doing so and laying in bed, I said a silent prayer for Jesus to come into my heart. And I've never been the same again. What of the illness you say? After a couple of oral surgeries to remove wisdom teeth that may have been impacting the nerves, I was back in the hospital again because of a major infection. I prayed, "Lord, please take this away from me! I have had more than I can bear!" And he answered my prayer! The disease disappeared following a root canal! No other way to explain it!

Now fast forward to 2011. Now a Christian, my values, my priorities, and my attitudes have changed. I see things differently than I once did. But every now and then remnants of my old self will come out.  I still have a quick temper (which I am working on) and I am very impatient (working on this too). This morning I found myself getting impatient and responding sharply to my husband. We were planning on going out to eat for lunch, but between getting the girls ready and waiting on him to finish what he needed to do, it got closer and closer to nap-time. My youngest daughter was sick and cranky, and I was getting very annoyed. We ended up scratching the whole idea, but I had already snapped. And my dear husband quite rightly told me that I had immense patience for everyone else, but not my own family. He reminded me that I needed to look in the mirror. I became so angry! And when I am angry I cry. I don't know why, but I do. And my poor daughters were witnessing this. So I excused myself and went upstairs and prayed. I prayed for the Lord to help me fix things. What went wrong? What happened? After a few more minutes of prayer, God led me to an answer. I went downstairs and apologized for losing my temper and for my impatience. And I used the opportunity to teach my older daughter a lesson in humility, and to let her know that even when Mommy and Daddy fight, we still love her and each other. But the biggest lesson of all is that we can forgive one another of our faults, as God forgave us ours. And we went on to have a splendid day!

So as you can see, my transformation began when I accepted Christ into my heart in the spring of 2003. But that process is still ongoing. Divine intervention brought me to Christ in the form of illness and then miraculous cure. And today, divine intervention again reminded me about humbleness and seeking forgiveness and how to look into the mirror to check myself and recognize that although I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go.
Ephesians 12
"In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence."
Colossians 3:13
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."