Today started out a great day. I had decent sleep last night. Breakfast went well enough. Carpool to preschool went well. The two youngest and I then ran errands and by chance got to see the Discovery Space Shuttle flying around, preparing to land at the airport. Amazing sight!
Things quickly unraveled when we parked in front of the house. For some reason Cara did not want to get out of the car. Then she wanted me to carry her into the house but already my hands were full with bags. I told her to quickly go into the house so that I could get the baby out of the car. "NO!" she adamantly exclaimed. "I don't want to!" I could hear the baby crying in the car, so I dropped the bags in the house, picked Cara up, plopped her inside, then ran back outside to grab the baby. We got inside and Cara starts throwing a fit! I put the baby down since she had fallen back asleep and prepared for battle.
Cara kept screaming, sprawling on the ground. At first I ignored her to see if she would calm down on her own. She kept crying. So then I try to approach her and held out my arms to see if she would come to me for comfort. She didn't want that either, and instead screamed "No!" even louder. I tried bribes for ice cream, candy, treats. . .none worked. I then tried the threat of negative consequences if she didn't calm down and obey. That didn't seem to work either. I realized that this tantrum had gotten completely out of control. I realized that she was in what we call the "red zone," meaning that she was too worked up to calm herself down. She needed help.
Overall, Cara has been our easier and milder child compared to Arianna, our oldest. However, Cara also has a stubborn, strong-willed side to her that occasionally comes out in moments like this. We've been seeing it more and more the past couple of months since she turned 2.5 years old. This coincided with bedrest for me with the difficult pregnancy and then the birth of Evelyn. I am sure there are so many emotions that she is experiencing and can not express. Change and transitions are hard for adults, let alone young children. Although she dotes on the baby and loves to hold her, the baby's arrival meant Cara's world sort of turned upside down. She was no longer the baby of the family. Suddenly more was expected of her. Mom and Dad didn't have much time anymore and probably both are more short-tempered than usual due to overall lack of sleep. So this tantrum I realized, was triggered by something that happened between car and home. . maybe tiredness, maybe hunger. . but triggers aside, the tantrum was compounded by all the other emotions that have been bottled up in that little heart of hers. She was overloaded and didn't have the appropriate resources to deal with it all. So I picked her up and held her.
I held on tight, not letting go, even while she hit, kicked, squirmed, and scratched me. I have some bruises and scratches to prove it! Cara kept screaming and crying, "Let me go! I don't want you! Leave me alone!" She is strong and I had to use all of my strength to hold her and rock her while she shoved at me with all her strength. I shhhhhhhed her and kept saying, "I will not let go. I love you. I am your mommy and I will not let go. I won't let you keep doing this behavior that can hurt you. You need to calm down and I will help you. I love you. You can fight me all you want, but I will only hold on tighter. I am your mommy." Eventually she stopped fighting me and I was able to loosen my hold and we cuddled for a bit. But then the baby started to wake up and cry because she was hungry. Cara didn't want me to leave her side to get the baby, so she started to cry again, "Mommy! Don't leave me! I want you to hold me!" I had to explain to her that I would never leave her, but I did have to help the baby also because she also needed me. She was not happy about this, but was calm enough now that I was able to suggest a nap, took her upstairs, kissed her, tucked her in, and left her to rest. I then went downstairs to nurse the baby who had also been crying.
It took an hour from the start of the tantrum to the end. I know because I noted the time on the clock. In that hour, especially while I was holding her, I kept praying. I prayed for wisdom to know what to do to comfort her. I prayed that she would hear my words and know I loved her. I prayed also for personal strength and patience. I prayed for my will to be strong enough to curb her strong will. As I was telling Cara, "I will not leave you.. ." I kept also hearing a voice that was telling me, "I will never leave you nor will I forsake you (Joshua 1:5; Hebrews 13:5)." I knew that in that moment God was also teaching me a lesson. I will admit I have been experiencing some postpartum blues. Here the Lord was using a situation with my daughter to remind me of his love for me and his promise for me. The Lord is my heavenly father and he would never leave me. I realized that as much as I might struggle and fight against his love sometimes, as Cara was doing to me in frustration and emotional upset, He would not let me go. He would hold on all that much stronger, so that when I finally realized and accepted His comfort and love again, I would feel safe and secure in it.
I encourage you today, if you are reading this, to know that God loves you unconditionally. Even if you are angry, frustrated, and upset with Him, accusing him and mistrusting him, fighting against him with all your might, He is there. He won't abandon you. He has your best interests in mind. He will hold on and pour love into you until you feel it -- just let him. Let go of your defenses and let Him give you His sufficient grace. All of this free as long as we accept His gift to us, His son, Jesus.
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