Don't get me wrong, I adore my new baby girl and I know this phase will pass and things will get better. Yet, at present, I'm walking around most days like a zombie. I am absent minded, slow, impatient, irritable, and emotional. I'm in survival mode. Granted, in some ways the adjustment from two children to three has been easier than I thought, and by the grace of God I somehow made it through the first week alone with them well enough. Today was the start of week two on my own, and unfortunately we are off to a rocky start. Let me give you a run-down of how my day went:
Breakfast went ok enough because I just gave them PediSure shakes to drink and fruit. It's packed with calories and easy. My girls are picky eaters, my oldest especially. My second actually eats decent overall but has been in a picky phase lately. This morning I just did not have the patience to cook a breakfast and have them sit forever. I didn't even have time to eat something myself yet when the baby started crying, needing to be fed. I go sit in the living room to nurse. The girls turn on the TV and a part of me starts feeling guilty for letting them watch so much television. Quickly, I then tell myself, it's ok because even though it's on all day, they don't sit glued to it like some kids. True enough, within minutes they start bouncing and running around playing. The baby is still nursing but not well, she keeps breaking latch and then I have to latch her back on. It is very frustrating. She reminds me of my oldest who was very finicky. . . My second was a champion nursing infant. Suddenly shrieking and crying from the kitchen. I wait and it continues. "No sissy! That's mine!" "No, it's mine!" More crying. I feel my shoulders tense up. I pray, "Lord, give me patience and strength!" Do I put the baby down and go check on them or do I sit and keep nursing? I decide to keep nursing because the baby afterall is already fussing and hungry but keeps breaking latch. So I yell, "What is going on in there?" Both start telling me between shrieks their side of the story. I yell for them to come out to the living room. I have to resort to counting. . . 1. . . 2. . . 3. . . They come but are not happy. We resolve the issue for the moment. They resume happy playing.
Finally the baby is done nursing and for the moment seems to be asleep again. I realize I'm still in my nightgown and have not yet showered or brushed my teeth. Eating can wait. . . I take the baby upstairs and put her in her bassinet/ co-sleeper by my bed. I make the girls come upstairs also and stay on my bed watching TV while I shower with the bathroom door open. I put the oldest in charge -- she likes that. I take a quick 5 minute shower and get dressed. The girls are fighting again. . . Baby dosn't seem all that happy either because her older sisters were doting on her and disturbing her sleep. I decide we need a change of scenery. I suggest a walk. Everyone agrees. It still takes us a while to get out the door. Have to take everyone potty, put on shoes, put on jackets. . .
It's a beautiful day but a bit chilly. I put the baby in the bjorn carrier and make the girls walk to burn off energy instead of taking the stroller. We take a longer walk than usual. We look for geese at the creek, squirrels, birds. Things are looking up. Then the two year old trips and falls. Crying. I pray another quick prayer, "Lord please let her be ok because I can't carry her and the baby all the way back home!" Thankfully she is ok. We continue to walk but by now they are both starting to drag their feet and the five year old is complaining her feet hurt. We head home. I'm feeling a little more sore myself and I realize that the long walk started my bleeding again. It's only been 3 weeks since birth. My body is still healing.
Inside the TV is turned on again. The girls want a snack and drinks. Then they are running around and playing again. I am feeding the baby again. She spits up everywhere. Change her into a new outfit. Change her diaper. Then change it again. Then more shrieking and crying and fighting from the two older girls. More yelling from me. Another prayer, "Lord, give me patience and strength!" I know they are bored. A whole week home on spring break with no school and no activities means lots of restlessness.
I realize it's lunchtime. I realize I haven't had much to eat all morning and I hadn't been drinking much water so was feeling alittle dehydrated. Nursing does that to me. Ok, what to feed the kids? Put baby down since she's asleep. Give the girls yogurt and fruit and milk. Urgh, baby's up again. Wet diaper. Change. She's rooting again hungry because she didn't nurse well previous session. At least now she's nursing pretty decent. Good this means she'll nap longer. The girls still not done with lunch. They are playing and distracted. More yelling, "Hurry up and finish your lunch! Mommy can't help you because I'm feeding the baby!" Finally lunch is over. Baby peacefully asleep in the swing. Take 2 year old up to her room for naptime. She seems tired. Good maybe I'll be able to nap myself, but wait, need to eat first. Heat up some leftover pizza. 5 year old pleading for me to play with her. Mommy guilt. "Lord, please, patience and strength!" I play with her a little while then say that mommy needs to rest. I lay down on the couch, she watches TV. I tell her to come cuddle with me and she does for a minute. . . I doze in and out. I hear her go the bathroom and turn on the water. . . She comes out with her water squirter. I watch as she stands in front of the TV and dumps out the water onto the floor. I sit up. "What do you think you are doing? You know better! Go get towels to clean it up!" She does. I lay down again. I hear a crashing sound. She is sitting on top of a plastic container of toys and knocking over other toys in the process. "Lord give me patience and strength!" I know she is restless and she is my child who constantly needs to move and be active. Quiet time is always hard for her. The door bell rings. It's the little girl next door asking if my daughter can come out and play. YAY! Excitement. I make sure it's ok with my neighbor who is outside. He says yes. I tell my daughter she has to first clean up, put on shoes, then go to potty before going outside. She throws a little fit, stomps her feet and pouts saying she doesn't want to. "You do not talk to mommy like that, missy! And it's your choice. Do as I ask or don't go outside" She apologizes and obeys. I let her go outside -- yay break for me too! No wait, 2 year old is up. Take her potty than give her snack. She wants to go outside. I say no, not yet. Baby is up and wants to feed again. Nursing her then door bell rings again.
It's a mom from the Moms Club bringing me a meal. Oh bless her! We haven't met before so we start chatting to get acquainted. She suddenly says, "I think the baby spit up." I look at baby in my arms and don't see anything. The mom points to the floor. I look down. I see bright yellow/ orange. I think that doesn't look like spit up. I realize, Oh, it's poo. Nursing babies have bright yellow poo. Somehow it leaked out of her diapers and pants onto the floor. Oh, and seems some got on my pants as well. I put baby in the changing tray on the pack and play. Clean up the floor and my pants. Change and clean up baby. . . The mom leaves. I then take the baby and 2 year old and go outside for a few minutes to check on oldest daughter. She is having a blast playing with her friends. I get to chat with my neighbor who also just had a baby. I keep yawning. I can't help it. I'm just so tired!
We go back inside. I realize I have to bake the potpie the mom brought and it takes an hour and half. Plus the girls won't eat it. So I decide to just heat up chicken nuggets for their dinner. Put pie in the oven for my husband and I. Girls finish dinner after a while. . . I nurse the baby again. 5 year old takes red crayon and draws on the table. "Lord, patience and strength, please!" "Why did you do that?" "I don't know. . . " I realize she is trying to get attention. I make her clean it up. She scrubs it off -- thank goodness for washable crayons. I look at clock and count down til husband comes home and bedtime. . . Girls fighting yet again over same toys! Ok, need change of scenery. Everyone upstairs to mommy's room. Baby crying because she wants to sleep again. Girls jumping on the bed giggling and playing. "Please be careful!" Baby zonks out and I put her down. I sit on the bed with the girls and I hug them. They giggle and play under the covers. I realize time is so fleeting. They are only this little for so long. Soon they will be too big to jump on the bed and play under the covers. I realize, ok, so it hasn't been a great day and I am exhausted, but gosh, I love them! We hear the front door open. Yay, daddy is home! Reinforcements!!!!
"Lord, thank you so much for sufficient strength to make it through the day!" I know I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own, or at the very least not as well. I would have probably let my anger and frustration control me and exploded at my girls or broken down crying. But with His help, I maintained control. God does not promise that we will always have happy, wonderful, great days. In fact, the bible is clear that we will experience troubles in our lifetime. He will use daily circumstances to test our faith, prepare us, and mold us so that we have more Godly character. We may not know his plans for us but we know they are plans for good. But we can be encouraged knowing that His grace and strength are always sufficient to carry us through even the more difficult of days. We just have to learn to seek His strength daily -- moment to moment!
When you are weary and in need of sufficient strength, I encourage you to remind yourself of scriptures passages such as these:
Psalm 105:4Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!
2 Corinthians 12:9-10But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
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