The last time I wrote, I wrote about being patient waiting for the Lord's timing. I wrote about being in the "waiting room." After writing that post I felt at a good place. I felt at peace and reassured that God was in control. . . . Unfortunately, that peace lasted only a few days. . . I am still in that waiting room and the past few days I have grown anxious. It is not God's fault. He is ever faithful! Instead, I have realized today that my lack of peace is a consequence of my own weakness. More on that later. First let me fill you in on the events leading up to this personal revelation.
Obviously baby #3 still has not arrived -- despite many false alarms. In fact, last night we were in the ER because we thought my waters had broken. After having emptied myself (so I thought) in the restroom, I lay down hoping to fall asleep early. Feeling wetness, I stood up. The baby moved abruptly and oddly. Immediately afterwards, I felt a huge gush of liquid come out wetting my pants and legs. I have never had my waters break at home. With my past two pregnancies, my waters have broken only after the onset of labor and by the doctor. Needless to say, I was a bit panicked. We paged our doctor on call and while waiting for her to call back I continued to feel trickling wetness. . . We thought for sure this was it! The doctor called and told us to come into the hospital to get checked out. We got my neighbor to stay at our house until the in-laws came. The girls were thankfully asleep in their room. After an hour or so at the hospital we were sent home. The test was negative for amniotic fluid. I was embarrassed to learn that it was probably just my own urine and that I had lost control of my bladder and peed on myself! They thought perhaps the baby was positioned in such a way that it's sudden and strong movements caused the sudden gush and trickling wetness I felt.
They discharged me from the hospital and on the way home I found myself irritated, upset, and taking my frustrations out on my poor husband. I found myself yelling and saying nonsensical things and crying. . . He reminded me that my reaction (although partly attributable to hormones) was evidence that I had not fully surrendered myself to God and His will and timing for this pregnancy, labor, and delivery. My husband reminded me that I needed to practice what I preach and live and behave like the Christian I am meant to be, especially during these times of trial. He reminded me to focus on what God could be trying to teach me with this experience. In my state of mind and mood, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I am ashamed to even think or write about how I responded to his gentle rebuke! But after pondering it, the Holy Spirit truly convicted me. I hate to admit it, but my husband was right. I ended up apologizing to him and he showed me much grace and love -- more than I probably deserved after all that I said.
In failing to be steadfast and focused on the Lord, I failed on two fronts. First, I let down my spiritual guard and allowed my emotions to get the better of me. I let sinful anger enter into my heart, speech and action. Worse of all, the sin was directed at my loving husband who did not deserve any of it. Second, instead of surrendering completely to God's will, in my impatience I was holding on tightly to my notions of how things should be. After three weeks of bedrest and a hard third trimester, I was ready to have this baby! I wanted the timing to be NOW! On our way to the ER last night I had prayed, "Lord, please let labor and delivery go well. Please let the baby be healthy. . ." I was disappointed and angry because I believed in my head that this trip to the ER was it. I was going to be admitted and the baby would come. There was no where in my plan for me to be sent home! I was so focused on praying for the course of events that I wanted to happen, I failed to seek God's will and pray for his will to be done rather than my own. I failed to pray for the patience to accept his will, whatever the outcome.
Outwardly I had people convinced that I had given up control and was waiting patiently for the Lord. I even convinced myself. But God knew better. He knows the state of our true heart even if we delude ourselves and others. The state of my heart was apparent after last night's ER visit and today's visit with the doctor. I harbored disappointment, frustration, anxiety and even some anger when things did not go my way.
My CBS (Community Bible Study) leader reminded me of a verse that I will definitely commit to memory. She reminded me of Isaiah 26:3-4 that says, "You (God) will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal." God is steady as a rock. His nature does not change. He is peace and comfort. If I am not at peace, that is not his doing. It is my own. It is my own fault for not trusting him completely enough to let go of my control issues. It is my own fault for losing sight of Him and holding my mind steadfast and focused on Him and his faithfulness. I am reminded of all those times when I have been able to completely reach out to him in brokenness and complete surrender and say, "Lord, you know best! I cannot do this on my own! I need you. I need your peace. I need your grace. I am weak, you are strong! Whatever your plans are for me, let your will be done and not my own. And please give me the strength to accept your will, whatever it may be." In those moments, He has been faithful and fulfilled all His promises to my family and blessed us abundantly more than we ever expected.
I don't know where you are in your faith and spiritual walk, but let me encourage you to trust in the Lord as I am learning to do daily. To trust in the Lord daily means to put our life in his hands, allowing him to steer and lead us with his firm hand. It is a daily surrendering and "dying" of ourselves as we submit to him in every aspect of our lives. It is difficult to do -- I am a prime example of that! But it's so worth it to gain the peace that he offers so wholeheartedly and so freely.
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