Foothold

"Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

Today I went went with 5 other moms and 14.5 children to the farm to pick some apples.  It started out fun.  The children had a blast picking the apples and riding the wagon.  There were also farm animals to see, a fun moon-bounce, and lots of other things to do and explore.  Unfortunately the fun abruptly ended for us as one by one my children began to lose it, as did I.

Cara was the first to unravel.  She usually is because she is my introverted homebody.  She doesn't mind social situations and activity, but after a certain point she wants to leave and go home, to get rest and quiet-time.  I knew she was done when she began to fuss.  Arianna was having fun playing with her friends and cousins, but I could not be in multiple places at once.  I knew it seemed unfair to make her leave too, but Cara was done and the baby needed to nurse.  So I gave Arianna a 5-minute warning.  When it was up, as expected she didn't want to go.  She started to fuss and whine and struggle against me as I grabbed her hand to leave.  She started to make excuses wanting to feed the farm animals and to go back to tell her friend something.  She was refusing to walk with me so I picked her up and put her into the double stroller.  Fortunately Cara was already in it and I was carrying the baby in the Ergo carrier.  Arianna screamed and cried all the way back to the car and the entire time in the car while I was trying to nurse the baby.   I knew part of the problem was also low blood sugar and that she needed to eat.  I gave both girls lunch that I had packed but they were complaining about it.  My patience was slowly running out.  To make things more difficult, the baby was not nursing well because she was so distracted by the commotion that her sisters were creating.

Eventually I strapped the baby into her car seat, made sure the other two were strapped in also, and started the long trek home.   The two big girls were still not in good spirits and were not listening well.  I began to lose it.  I could feel my muscles tighten, my teeth clenching, my entire body responding in a negative way. What started out as frustration at them for their behavior grew into full-blown anger.  I started to yell at both of them to eat.  I yelled at them for their behavior at the farm.  I yelled at them for not listening to me. . .  Cara threw some food and I had to stop the car and clean up the mess.  I yelled some more because of that incident.  I definitely was not winning any mommy awards for patience and grace.

The children stayed quiet for a while in the car after that.  I think they recognized that I was in the red zone.  The silence gave me an opportunity to calm down.  Once the anger clouds cleared, I regretted my behavior.  What kind of example did I just set for my children?  Sure, they were not obeying and they were definitely displaying some bad behavior, but it was nothing new.  And they are children after all.  If anything, I was greatly to blame for not handling the situation better.  I should have left right after the apple picking instead of staying to play so we could have ended on a good note.  I should have made sure to give them a better snack and insisted on a break before they got too hungry and tired. . . Too much fun, overexertion, heat, hunger and thirst were recipes for disaster.

The little voice inside of me reminded me of the verse above and I felt so convicted.  In my anger I had given the devil a foothold in my heart and mind and I acted like a crazed mommy who lost control.   I felt awful and I was humbled.  I prayed for guidance in how to make things right again.  That's when I said to my girls, "I am sorry that I was yelling and that I got angry and lost my temper.  I love you very much.  Will you forgive me?"  Arianna responded, "I forgive you, Mommy!"   Cara said, "I love you, mommy!"  And my heart leaped.  My sweet, sweet girls!  How I do love them!  When we finally got home, I hugged each of them tight and whispered again how much I loved them and that I was sorry for my behavior.   I told them that although their behavior wasn't great, my behavior was worse.  We made a pack to each promise to try and do better.   For now the peace is restored.  The children are resilient and playing as though nothing ever even happened.  I learn so much from them.

I don't know if you've ever been in a similar situation when anger takes over and you say and do things you would not otherwise.  It's best not to let the anger make you lose your footing.  It's best not to give the devil an opportunity to make you stumble.  But thankfully, when we are rooted in the Word and when we have a strong foothold in Christ, we need not fear the times when we stumble.  God can use everything for his glory and turn even the worse situations into a growth experience for us.  That's what happened today for my girls and I.  They saw again how their mommy is human, flawed and imperfect.  I was reminded to check my own behavior as I set an example for my children.  And we all learned about forgiveness, mercy, and grace.