Vanity and Pride

Instead of writing random thoughts everyday, I've been trying to wait for inspiration to write.  Generally the inspiration is a recurrent theme that the Lord impresses on me over the course of several days.   The Holy Spirit convicts me during daily foibles, and usually a word or two comes to mind and is repeated again and again until I can resist no longer and have to sit down and write.  Today's themes are two things that the Lord has been asking me to recognize in myself and work on this week:  Vanity and Pride.  According to the dictionary, Vanity is:  (1) an excessive pride in one's own appearance or ability/ achievements; and/ or (2) a quality of being futile or worthless.  Pride is: (1) A sense of one's one value, dignity, or esteem; (2) pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association; (3) arrogance, haughtiness; and/ or (4) excessively high opinion of oneself.  Obviously these two attributes are associated.

Normally I would not describe myself as vain or prideful since I really strive to be humble.  But I think that is exactly what is wrong, that I'm "trying" to be humble -- my true nature is probably much more selfish than I realize or want to admit.   I was convicted many times this week and forced to recognize these flawed attributes in myself, but I'll just give you a couple of pertinent examples.  On Thursday, I worked myself up into an anxious frenzy before leaving for a funeral because I couldn't figure out what to wear.  Oh vanity!!!!  Seriously, who cared?  It was a mournful occasion and all that was needed was for me to be there to support my friend and her family. I was blinded by my anxiousness in that moment and forgot to pray and turn to the Lord.  I was afraid I would see people from my old high school and I wanted to look my best.  It was my husband who reminded me to check myself and when I did I did not like what I saw.  I'm not talking about my appearance anymore, but my behavior.  I was irritable because I wasn't pleased with how I looked and worried we were running late, so I snapped at him.  Then of course my pride stepped in and I came up with a laundry list of reasons to be mad at him, but really it was just my pride keeping me from apologizing and admitting that I was wrong.  Thankfully the Holy Spirit intervened to convict me and I felt ashamed.  I asked forgiveness from my husband and from God.  What an ugly moment it was when vanity and pride snuck up on me!

Another example is actually related to this blog.  As you read please know that I am not trying to fish for any compliments.  I am merely writing to share with you a lesson that I have learned.   I have been anxious about this blog since I'm putting personal and controversial information online and also because I don't know how people will receive it.  I also was worrying about where this blog would lead me.  I've been wondering who actually reads this blog and what their thoughts are.  I started complaining to my husband about how I wished more people commented so that I knew if they liked what I wrote (or even if they disliked it).  Again, he reminded me that I shouldn't care and that this is not the purpose for my blogging.  How right he was!  A part of me kept focusing on how God called me to blog in order to reach others and make an impact for his glory.  If that is the case then he is the one in charge and not me, so I need to let go and just let him completely use me without expecting anything in return in terms of validation.  More importantly, I realized that the main purpose for my blogging is for me to keep myself in check!  I've recognized more things about myself these past few weeks then I have in a long time.  And not all of them pretty. . .  God is definitely using this experience to shape my character. 

I am pretty ashamed to admit that I have a great need for affirmation.  My husband will tell you that it is one of my primary love languages (this is based on Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages).   I know I'm not the only one out there who likes to hear praise and words of affirmation and validation.
After all, generally those types of words serve as motivation.  The problem is that this type of motivation is of this world.  Motivation that comes only from without that is based on praise and reward from other people can lead to apathy unless the external motivator remains in place.  God wants us to be motivated intrinsically and asks us to be servants and disciples who are motivated by faith and love for HIM. 

I was doing a search for scripture passages about vanity (I use the internet often because it's much faster) and found a website that has a list of KJV scripture translations.  When I cross-referenced it with my own bible (NIV Life Application Study Bible) there were surprising insights.   For example, Romans 8:20 in my bible reads, "For [all] the creation was subjected to frustration, not by it's own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from it's bondage to decay, and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God."  And in KJV the word "frustration" is replaced by the word "vanity".  I am not a biblical scholar by any means, but I find that fascinating and very telling about the true relationship between vanity, pride, and frustration.   Also, repeatedly in Psalms, my bible refers to a man's life as a "breath", illustrating the brevity of life by comparing it to a transient puff of air (e.g., Psalm 39:11; 62:9; 39:5; 144:4).  The KJV translation uses "vanity" in place of breath.  Similarly the KJV uses "vanity" in place of "futile" (e.g., Psalm 94:11) and "meaningless" (e.g., Job 7:16; Ecclesiastes 6:12; 11:10).  

This week, especially after having done some inductive bible study, I realized that the roots of my control issues are vanity and pride.  It's all about an over-reliance on my own strength and efforts.  I do use daily moments to pray and seek God's guidance and try to remember to turn to him always, but I've realized that there are also many moments when I fail to do so.   The moments that I don't turn to the Lord, I get frustrated, worried, anxious, and irritable.  As scripture shows, both are a form of self-idolatry (self-worship).  Self-focus and reliance on our own abilities keeps us from being wholly in God's presence and grace.  If we emphasize our own strength and resources out of vanity and pride, then we choose not to rely on the Lord and our efforts (whatever they are) will be futile and meaningless.  "Let him not deceive himself by trusting what is worthless (vanity), for he will get nothing in return (Job 16:31)."  There is a reason that pride is considered by many the root of all sin (see Isaiah 14:12-15).  It was Satan's sin and he fell from grace as a result.  And it's considered one of the most subtle but also among the seven things that God detests (see Proverbs 6:16-19).  Scripture clearly exalts humbleness as the "cure" to pride and vanity.  As humans living in a fallen world, I think we all have traces of pride and vanity in us.  A truly humble person is hard to find.  Do you know of anyone?  I know of many who, like myself, are working on it, but I don't know of many people who are truly humble except for the example of Jesus.  That's what we need to strive for though, especially if we are followers of Christ.  Even if you are not yet a believer, pride is still something to try and change.  Most people don't like or appreciate being around someone who is arrogant or narcissistic. So the lesson is:  be humble.

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6)."
"For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted (Matthew 23:12)."