Broken Telephone and Communication

You know that childish game, Telephone?  One person whispers something in a 2nd person's ear and then he/she repeats that to the 3rd person, and so on and so on.  It's always funny to hear how the original message gets distorted by the time it gets to end of the line.  Unfortunately, real life is not a game.  Whenever a conversation between A and B gets relayed to C and D, E and F, things inevitably get lost in the relay process.  As a result negative feelings and misunderstandings often happen.  The sad reality is that human relationships are plagued with broken telephone lines such as these. 

Recently my husband and I have had several instances where our good intentions to help others have somehow been lost in the communication process.  We might talk to two people separately but somehow when they talk to each other (or someone else) what is said in private gets distorted and changed.  We just pray that the fragile trust that was being built between ourselves and others will remain despite miscommunication and misunderstanding.  It's a difficult line to walk -- to balance being listening ears to parties in conflict with each other while remaining true to our own principles of neutrality.

Seeking wisdom, I found numerous verses and passages in the Bible that give insight into Godly and good communication principles that we should all live by.  They will be posted at the end of this blog post in case you want to read them.  They all teach that the tongue is restless and has the power to heal or destroy.  We need to be mindful of it's dual nature and watch what we say.  Other points that I learned from doing this biblical study of communication:

(1) Watch what we say so that no unwholesome talk comes out of our mouths.  We all fall short of this at times.  It's an ongoing process to purge ourselves from this sin and to "tame our tongues."

(2) We need to think before we speak.  Seek God's guidance to know the right words to say so that miscommunication does not happen.

(3) Say only things that will encourage and lift people up.  This is hard to do, especially if we are upset at someone.  God commands us to show love to everyone, even our enemies.  Part of showing love means to lift up and encourage people by saying nice things to and about them.  This doesn't mean be fake about it or to lie and pay a compliment when it is untrue.  Lifting people up in a way that honors God is to push aside their faults and weaknesses and still see the positives and praise them for it. 
(4) When you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all!  Sometimes being silent is just what is needed. 
(5) A more complicated part of God's plan for communication is not just guarding What, How, or When we say things, but also guarding our minds against unwholesome talk from other people.  Listen to people vent and share their stories as long as the focus is still on them and their feelings and experience.  If, however, the conversation begins to detour off course and into that murky realm called "gossip" or unwholesome talk about others, cut off the conversation as gently as you can or shift it to another topic.  If we allow ourselves to listen to miscellaneous details about other people and their lives, it clouds our judgements and despite our best efforts contrary, our opinions about them and others will shift and change (even if only a little).  Consequently our behavior towards them may change.  If we are to show Godly love, since we are human and easily swayed, we need to remain neutral in all conflict between parties, otherwise once our mind is turned against someone it is hard to love again.
(6) Do not repeat things told to you in confidence.  That too is gossip.  Trust is a fragile thing and it is essential to good communication.  Miscommunication is rooted in distrust.

Look, I'm not writing this post because I have perfected all of these principles.  I'm writing because while I started to feel frustrated by others misunderstanding my words and intentions, God made me realize that I am guilty of contributing to broken communication lines also.  My husband reminded me that Jesus was not guilty of any such follies.  He had the wisdom to know when to speak and what to say.  He also understood when he needed to be silent.  He was not tempted to talk back or defend himself when others distorted his teachings and threw accusations at him.  Whenever we fail in communication, we must trust that Jesus is in our corner and God will judge and see what is right and if we seek Him and have faith, all will work out for good.  He will guide us to say (or not say) what is needed.  And if however, we are the ones contributing to the misunderstandings, then we need to pray also for the Holy Spirit to intervene on our behalf and stop ourselves from letting temptations of the flesh and tongue overpower us.  Walk blameless as Christ did.  That is a HUGE standard, but oh so worth it in order to keep harmony and peace that glorify God.

1 Peter 2: 21-24
2:21 For to this you were called, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving an example for you to follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin nor was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was maligned, he did not answer back; when he suffered, he threatened no retaliation, but committed himself to God who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we may cease from sinning and live for righteousness. By his wounds you were healed.

Ephesians 4:29-32

4:29 You must let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is beneficial for the building up of the one in need, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 You must put away every kind of bitterness, anger, wrath, quarreling, and evil, slanderous talk. 32 Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.

Proverbs
10:19 When words abound, transgression is inevitable, but the one who restrains his words is wise.
11:13 The one who goes about slandering others reveals secrets, but the one who is trustworthy conceals a matter.
12:18 Speaking recklessly is like the thrusts of a sword, but the words of the wise bring healing.
12:25 Anxiety in a person’s heart weighs him down, but an encouraging word brings him joy.
15:1 A gentle response turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.
15:28 The heart of the righteous considers how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
16:24 Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
17:9 The one who forgives an offense seeks love, but whoever repeats a matter separates close friends.
18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love its use will eat its fruit.
21:23 The one who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps his life from troubles.
25:11 Like apples of gold in settings of silver, so is a word skillfully spoken. 12 Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover to the ear of the one who listens.

James 3: 2-12

2 For we all stumble in many ways. If someone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect individual, able to control the entire body as well. 3 And if we put bits into the mouths of horses to get them to obey us, then we guide their entire bodies. 4 Look at ships too: Though they are so large and driven by harsh winds, they are steered by a tiny rudder wherever the pilot’s inclination directs. 5 So too the tongue is a small part of the body, yet it has great pretensions. Think how small a flame sets a huge forest ablaze. 6 And the tongue is a fire! The tongue represents the world of wrongdoing among the parts of our bodies. It pollutes the entire body and sets fire to the course of human existence – and is set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of animal, bird, reptile, and sea creature is subdued and has been subdued by humankind. 8 But no human being can subdue the tongue; it is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse people made in God’s image. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. These things should not be so, my brothers and sisters. 11 A spring does not pour out fresh water and bitter water from the same opening, does it? 12 Can a fig tree produce olives, my brothers and sisters, or a vine produce figs? Neither can a salt water spring produce fresh water.