We had a gathering with family today that did not go exactly as planned. . . Family can often bring out the worst in us. I think it has to do with all the history such as unresolved issues and baggage accumulated over the years. It's all the little slights, the big hurts, things said or unsaid -- all old wounds that haven't completely healed. One person's impatience coupled with another person's all too sensitive nature and BOOM -- an explosion of misunderstanding fueled by futile attempts to remedy the situation using our own efforts. Each person tries to explain their side of the story and seek validation that they are innocent -- that the other person is to blame for everything. Oh, how common this story is! It happens in all types of relationships: husband-wife, parent-child, sister-brother, friend-friend. It's an inescapable consequence of living in a fallen world where sin is so pervasive. This is why there are NO innocents in situations like these. Everyone is to blame in some form or fashion, even if one person may contribute more to the misunderstanding than the other.
When emotions are high, it is so hard to see clearly. This is why it is so hard to resolve conflict while each person is still defensive. I attempted, not so successfully, to step in and mediate between two family members. In doing so I made the same mistake that they did: I was relying initially on my own strength and efforts. But our own words are never as eloquent as those inspired and guided by God. Consequently, I got pulled into the argument myself because of shared history. . . It took divine intervention before the situation could be diffused.
There are no coincidences with God. I believe that God uses all circumstances in our lives to draw us closer to him, to teach us valuable lessons that improve our character, or to glorify him in some other way. This afternoon was a series of circumstances that ultimately came together in His divine plan to reveal Himself in the midst of our conflict and to draw us closer together as family and followers of Christ. For example, lighting, thunder, and strong winds started outside at the moment conflict reached a breaking point. The inclement weather echoed the tempest of emotions being stirred up inside the house and in our hearts. Chaos erupted outside to remind us that God does not like dissension, quarreling, or displays of anger among his people because of their destructive nature. They allow Satan and sin to take a foothold in our lives. So, we all went to separate corners and each prayed in our own way for the Lord to show us how to resolve the conflict and teach us to make peace. The Lord softened every one's heart making each person more receptive to what the others had to say without defensiveness. It was no coincidence either that we recently began a study of the book of James, and it was the discussion of what we learned about trials, tests, and their role in spiritual maturity that ultimately diffused the situation.
To quote a wise man who spoke at a CBS (Community Bible Study) class that I attended, "Forgiveness is the secret to a lifetime of happiness in relationships." It is true of all types of human relationships. We are all flawed individuals who sin. Consequently, we will knowingly or unknowingly continue to hurt those around us and we will continue to be hurt by others around us. We need God's grace to remedy this inevitable situation, especially in the middle of conflict. As we lean on Him, he will teach us to forgive and to show love despite pain and dissension.
The lessons we learned today:
(1) Be careful to not let our anger and impatience lead us to quarrel and conflict. "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (James 1:19-20)."
(2) Pray in the middle of conflict for God to help us to have meaningful conversation. On our own we will not be able to achieve this. We need to pray for God to "change our hearts" (Malachi 4:6) so that we can really hear and listen to the other person so that instead of turning away from each other, we can turn towards each other.
(3) We have to pray for God to show us our faults and help us to accept them without pride and humble ourselves in front of our "enemy" admitting our own blame. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me. And lead me into the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24)."
(4) We pray for the other person -- the "enemy" or the one who has wronged or hurt us in conflict. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44)."
(5) This is very hard to do because we are so angry with the other person, but we have to pray for God's enabling grace to help us to show love even when we least want to. This involves forgiveness. "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity (Colossians 3:12-14)."
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