Broken Telephone and Communication

You know that childish game, Telephone?  One person whispers something in a 2nd person's ear and then he/she repeats that to the 3rd person, and so on and so on.  It's always funny to hear how the original message gets distorted by the time it gets to end of the line.  Unfortunately, real life is not a game.  Whenever a conversation between A and B gets relayed to C and D, E and F, things inevitably get lost in the relay process.  As a result negative feelings and misunderstandings often happen.  The sad reality is that human relationships are plagued with broken telephone lines such as these. 

Recently my husband and I have had several instances where our good intentions to help others have somehow been lost in the communication process.  We might talk to two people separately but somehow when they talk to each other (or someone else) what is said in private gets distorted and changed.  We just pray that the fragile trust that was being built between ourselves and others will remain despite miscommunication and misunderstanding.  It's a difficult line to walk -- to balance being listening ears to parties in conflict with each other while remaining true to our own principles of neutrality.

Seeking wisdom, I found numerous verses and passages in the Bible that give insight into Godly and good communication principles that we should all live by.  They will be posted at the end of this blog post in case you want to read them.  They all teach that the tongue is restless and has the power to heal or destroy.  We need to be mindful of it's dual nature and watch what we say.  Other points that I learned from doing this biblical study of communication:

(1) Watch what we say so that no unwholesome talk comes out of our mouths.  We all fall short of this at times.  It's an ongoing process to purge ourselves from this sin and to "tame our tongues."

(2) We need to think before we speak.  Seek God's guidance to know the right words to say so that miscommunication does not happen.

(3) Say only things that will encourage and lift people up.  This is hard to do, especially if we are upset at someone.  God commands us to show love to everyone, even our enemies.  Part of showing love means to lift up and encourage people by saying nice things to and about them.  This doesn't mean be fake about it or to lie and pay a compliment when it is untrue.  Lifting people up in a way that honors God is to push aside their faults and weaknesses and still see the positives and praise them for it. 
(4) When you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all!  Sometimes being silent is just what is needed. 
(5) A more complicated part of God's plan for communication is not just guarding What, How, or When we say things, but also guarding our minds against unwholesome talk from other people.  Listen to people vent and share their stories as long as the focus is still on them and their feelings and experience.  If, however, the conversation begins to detour off course and into that murky realm called "gossip" or unwholesome talk about others, cut off the conversation as gently as you can or shift it to another topic.  If we allow ourselves to listen to miscellaneous details about other people and their lives, it clouds our judgements and despite our best efforts contrary, our opinions about them and others will shift and change (even if only a little).  Consequently our behavior towards them may change.  If we are to show Godly love, since we are human and easily swayed, we need to remain neutral in all conflict between parties, otherwise once our mind is turned against someone it is hard to love again.
(6) Do not repeat things told to you in confidence.  That too is gossip.  Trust is a fragile thing and it is essential to good communication.  Miscommunication is rooted in distrust.

Look, I'm not writing this post because I have perfected all of these principles.  I'm writing because while I started to feel frustrated by others misunderstanding my words and intentions, God made me realize that I am guilty of contributing to broken communication lines also.  My husband reminded me that Jesus was not guilty of any such follies.  He had the wisdom to know when to speak and what to say.  He also understood when he needed to be silent.  He was not tempted to talk back or defend himself when others distorted his teachings and threw accusations at him.  Whenever we fail in communication, we must trust that Jesus is in our corner and God will judge and see what is right and if we seek Him and have faith, all will work out for good.  He will guide us to say (or not say) what is needed.  And if however, we are the ones contributing to the misunderstandings, then we need to pray also for the Holy Spirit to intervene on our behalf and stop ourselves from letting temptations of the flesh and tongue overpower us.  Walk blameless as Christ did.  That is a HUGE standard, but oh so worth it in order to keep harmony and peace that glorify God.

1 Peter 2: 21-24
2:21 For to this you were called, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving an example for you to follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin nor was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was maligned, he did not answer back; when he suffered, he threatened no retaliation, but committed himself to God who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we may cease from sinning and live for righteousness. By his wounds you were healed.

Ephesians 4:29-32

4:29 You must let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is beneficial for the building up of the one in need, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 You must put away every kind of bitterness, anger, wrath, quarreling, and evil, slanderous talk. 32 Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.

Proverbs
10:19 When words abound, transgression is inevitable, but the one who restrains his words is wise.
11:13 The one who goes about slandering others reveals secrets, but the one who is trustworthy conceals a matter.
12:18 Speaking recklessly is like the thrusts of a sword, but the words of the wise bring healing.
12:25 Anxiety in a person’s heart weighs him down, but an encouraging word brings him joy.
15:1 A gentle response turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.
15:28 The heart of the righteous considers how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
16:24 Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
17:9 The one who forgives an offense seeks love, but whoever repeats a matter separates close friends.
18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love its use will eat its fruit.
21:23 The one who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps his life from troubles.
25:11 Like apples of gold in settings of silver, so is a word skillfully spoken. 12 Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover to the ear of the one who listens.

James 3: 2-12

2 For we all stumble in many ways. If someone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect individual, able to control the entire body as well. 3 And if we put bits into the mouths of horses to get them to obey us, then we guide their entire bodies. 4 Look at ships too: Though they are so large and driven by harsh winds, they are steered by a tiny rudder wherever the pilot’s inclination directs. 5 So too the tongue is a small part of the body, yet it has great pretensions. Think how small a flame sets a huge forest ablaze. 6 And the tongue is a fire! The tongue represents the world of wrongdoing among the parts of our bodies. It pollutes the entire body and sets fire to the course of human existence – and is set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of animal, bird, reptile, and sea creature is subdued and has been subdued by humankind. 8 But no human being can subdue the tongue; it is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse people made in God’s image. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. These things should not be so, my brothers and sisters. 11 A spring does not pour out fresh water and bitter water from the same opening, does it? 12 Can a fig tree produce olives, my brothers and sisters, or a vine produce figs? Neither can a salt water spring produce fresh water.

Walk the Talk: Representing Christ

I am not a perfect Christian by any means.  There is so much I am still learning and working on.  Some days I get it right, I think. . .  but most days I probably miss the mark by more than I'd like to admit.  Yet, I really do strive to "walk the talk" and pray continually for the Holy Spirit to convict me when I am not.  I try not to judge because I know Jesus teaches,  "first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye (Matthew 7:5)."   I wasn't going to write this post because I didn't want to sound like a hypocrite who is admonishing a fellow Christian while I myself am still so flawed.  But I feel that I am being compelled to write this for two reasons I will explain later.  For now, let me tell the story that prompted this post.

This past weekend was my cousins' wedding.  I met a Catholic priest (I don't know when or where he was ordained, but he identified himself as such) who was somehow connected to the family, and the groom's mother really wanted him to be the MC for the wedding reception.  His role was to introduce the wedding party, the family members, etc.  This would have been all fine except that he created so much drama and tension, both at rehearsal and during the wedding day.  I won't go into all the details, but he was very prideful and boasted continuously about how the bride and groom should be honored he'd do their wedding. . . He basically offended the bride and groom and disrespected their religion, Buddhism.  He offended me also even though I am Christian myself (though non-denominational).  He told us we were too young to know anything of faith and tradition.  I tried to stay silent and prayed the whole time for the Lord to guide me to the right words if I needed to talk.  The tension mounted at the rehearsal dinner and I was unfortunately drawn into the discussion.  I just quoted Proverbs 6:16-19 about the Lord hating "haughty eyes (pride)"  and "anyone who causes dissension".  I then said that God wants us to be humble and show love to each other.  I don't know if what I said made any impact, because throughout the wedding the next day he continued to demand special attention and treatment for his role as MC.  As coordinator I tried my best to appease him and meet his demands so that he would not bother the bride and groom.   Still, at one point he used inappropriate "gesturing" and stormed out of the house during the tea ceremonies.  He never once apologized for his behavior, only coming to me at the end of the day and told me that he was not upset with the way that I treated him. . .  Thank God, everything somehow worked itself out and the wedding went well despite the bumps in the road and despite the drama with this priest. 

It just saddened me that this so-called man of God was acting this way.  I just pray that he did not turn many people away from Christianity.  I tried my best to explain to people who witnessed his behavior that he was not showing the love of Christ as he should, and asked them not to judge Christianity by his example, but rather by the example of Christ. . . . And I tried also to not get upset by his behavior and to maintain my own composure.  I slipped a few times, but hopefully not too badly.   I know all too well the damage that can be done when so-called Christians act in hypocritical ways and pray that the Lord keeps me from becoming like that.  I grew up going to church because my mother's family were proclaimed Christians.  But even at a young age I could see the discrepancies between what they preached and how they acted. . .And that is one of the fundamental reasons I turned away from God and Christianity and became an atheist after my parents' divorce.  I was an atheist for many years.  After battling depression and illness I finally came to Christ because I finally witnessed true Christian love that exemplified the love of Christ for all of us (see earlier post on Love).  I'm going to end with a poem that was quoted in Lee Strobel's book, The Unexpected Adventure.  The author was a young woman named Maggie who was initially turned away from church because of inauthentic Christians.  Thankfully she found a great church community who showed her the love of Christ as it should be demonstrated.  She wrote:

Do you know
do you understand
that you represent
Jesus to me?

Do you know
do you understand
that when you treat me with gentleness,
it raises the question in my mind that maybe He is gentle, too.
Maybe He isn't someone
who laughs when I am hurt.

Do you know
do you understand
that when you listen to my questions
and you don't laugh,
I think, "What if Jesus is interested in me, too?"

Do you know
do you understand
that when I hear you talk about arguments
and conflict and scars from your past,
I think, "Maybe I am just a regular person
instead of a bad, no good little girl
who deserves abuse."

If you care,
I think maybe He cares --
and then there's this flame of hope
that burns inside of me
and for a while I am afraid to breathe
because it might go out.

Do you know
do you understand
that your words are His words?
Your face is His face
to someone like me?

Please, be who you say you are.
Please, God, don't let this be another trick.
Please let this be real.
Please!

Do you know
do you understand
that you represent
Jesus to me?
(p. 135-136)

I am writing this post for two reasons:  (1) If you are a Christian, please watch how you represent yourself to other people because you can ultimately turn people away from Christ by your inauthentic behavior; and (2) If you are not yet Christian, please do not assume that every Christian is a good example of Christ's love and the gift only He can bring to your life.  Christ shows more love than you can imagine, if only you seek him out and invite him into your heart.  Lee Strobel commented in his book, "Spiritual seekers aren't looking for perfection in the Christians they encounter.  But they do want authenticity -- that is, consistency between their beliefs and behavior, between their character and their creed.  Unfortunately, when we lack integrity, we give people one more excuse to avoid God.  Instead, to use Maggie's word, we just need to be real. (p. 137)."

One last thing.  Please pray for this priest.  Please pray that God will reveal himself to this priest and help to guide him to be better.  He is obviously in a position of power and authority, and it would be such a shame if it were wasted.  Please pray that this priest will be open and humble to Christ's truth so that God can really use him for His glory.  Amen.

The Golden Rule

"In everything, do to others what you would have them do to  you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 7:12)."

This is often referred to as the Golden Rule and is quoted quite often by people in all walks of life.  I have also heard the converse of this, "don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you."  But in this negative form it misses the mark and becomes less significant.  It's easier to refrain from harming others than to take the initiative to do something good for someone else.  Think about it.  On a daily basis most people can keep themselves from hitting or saying mean things to other people.  But how many people will go out of their way to help someone else in need despite the inconvenience to themselves?  By making this statement in the positive form,  Jesus is teaching us to take action.  He wants us to be doers of good.  He wants us to actively and continually show mercy and agape love to others (see earlier blog post for a more detailed description of this selfless kind of love).  This is the kind of love and grace that God shows us everyday and that is what he wants us to demonstrate to others.  By saying that this sums up the Law and the Prophets, Jesus emphasizes the importance of this type of selfless action. 

I thought about this scripture alot this weekend.  I was helping to coordinate my cousin's wedding.  It was a big job and I was so scared I would fail.  The wedding involved multiple ceremonies at various locations -- in other words, lots of moving pieces.  As with  most weddings, there were some unforeseen situations and dramas that unfolded (both big and small).  As one of the coordinators, my job was to diffuse them to the best of my ability so that the wedding could proceed on schedule and as smoothly as possible.  It was a stressful day and at certain moments I definitely thought to myself, "What am I doing?  How did I get myself into this mess?  It's so unfair that I can't enjoy the festivities."  But then I remembered Jesus's teachings.  God first, other people second, and myself last.  I wish that I could say that I executed this type of selflessness without complaint, but at certain points the stress got to me and I found myself either venting or barking commands and snapping at people.  Thankfully I don't think there were too many of those moments, but enough to make me feel ashamed of them and wish I could turn back the clock and redo them.   At the end of the day all that should matter is that my two cousins got the wedding of their dreams and that they are happy.  I am grateful and honored that I got to be a part of it.  

Today I noticed myself getting angry at other people not stepping up to help another family member who was in need.  I think they didn't because of the inconvenience it would cause them and the sacrifice of time it would cost.  My husband and I found ourselves agreeing to help even though it would be the hardest for us to do so since we have young children to also take care of.   We kept thinking, "How unfair is it that we have to do this when it would be so much easier if someone else did it.  How unfair and sad it is that no one else is offering to help."   In the middle of venting to each other we had an epiphany:  we realized that we were doing exactly what the others were doing:  complaining.  The bible teaches, "Do everything without complaining or arguing (Philippians 2:14)."  What use is it to complain?  It doesn't change things.  And all that matters is that the family member is taken care of and receives the help that she needs.  

What I learned this weekend is that it is hard to execute "Do to others what you would have them do to you."  It often means that you do things that you don't want to do, things that will inconvenience you, or things that you find unfair.  The worlds' standards of fairness are not the same as God's.  The world says, "Do good to those who do good to you.  Love those who love you back."  Jesus says, "Love others as yourself (even if they don't love you).  Love your enemies."   So when you think that you have done more than your fair share to help someone else, don't stop.  Do more.  Be continual doers of good.  There is a great movie about this called, Pay it Forward.  Doing good deeds to others is contagious.  If only we can all push our selfishness aside everyday and be truly selfless.  What a better world we'd live in!  There is a second part to this equation though.  Actively showing love, mercy, and grace to others as God shows us means not complaining about it.  For me, this is the hardest part.  I really do try to do whatever I can to help friends and family and the occasional stranger, but I will admit that I don't always do it without some grumbling. . . I have to work on this.  Will you too?  Let's pay it forward.

Forgiveness in the midst of conflict

We had a gathering with family today that did not go exactly as planned. . . Family can often bring out the worst in us.  I think it has to do with all the history such as unresolved issues and baggage accumulated over the years.  It's all the little slights, the big hurts, things said or unsaid -- all old wounds that haven't completely healed.  One person's impatience coupled with another person's all too sensitive nature and BOOM -- an explosion of misunderstanding fueled by futile attempts to remedy the situation using our own efforts.  Each person tries to explain their side of the story and seek validation that they are innocent -- that the other person is to blame for everything.  Oh, how common this story is!  It happens in all types of relationships:  husband-wife, parent-child, sister-brother, friend-friend.  It's an inescapable consequence of living in a fallen world where sin is so pervasive.  This is why there are NO innocents in situations like these.  Everyone is to blame in some form or fashion, even if one person may contribute more to the misunderstanding than the other. 

When emotions are high, it is so hard to see clearly.  This is why it is so hard to resolve conflict while each person is still defensive.  I attempted, not so successfully, to step in and mediate between two family members.  In doing so I made the same mistake that they did:  I was relying initially on my own strength and efforts.  But our own words are never as eloquent as those inspired and guided by God.  Consequently, I got pulled into the argument myself because of shared history. . .  It took divine intervention before the situation could be diffused.

There are no coincidences with God.  I believe that God uses all circumstances in our lives to draw us closer to him, to teach us valuable lessons that improve our character, or to glorify him in some other way.  This afternoon was a series of circumstances that ultimately came together in His divine plan to reveal Himself in the midst of our conflict and to draw us closer together as family and followers of Christ.  For example, lighting, thunder, and strong winds started outside at the moment conflict reached a breaking point.  The inclement weather echoed the tempest of emotions being stirred up inside the house and in our hearts.  Chaos erupted outside to remind us that God does not like dissension, quarreling, or displays of anger among his people because of their destructive nature.  They allow Satan and sin to take a foothold in our lives.  So, we all went to separate corners and each prayed in our own way for the Lord to show us how to resolve the conflict and teach us to make peace.  The Lord softened every one's heart making each person more receptive to what the others had to say without defensiveness.  It was no coincidence either that we recently began a study of the book of James, and it was the discussion of what we learned about trials, tests, and their role in spiritual maturity that ultimately diffused the situation. 

To quote a wise man who spoke at a CBS (Community Bible Study) class that I attended, "Forgiveness is the secret to a lifetime of happiness in relationships."  It is true of all types of human relationships.  We are all flawed individuals who sin.  Consequently, we will knowingly or unknowingly continue to hurt those around us and we will continue to be hurt by others around us.  We need God's grace to remedy this inevitable situation, especially in the middle of conflict.  As we lean on Him, he will teach us to forgive and to show love despite pain and dissension. 

The lessons we learned today: 
(1) Be careful to not let our anger and impatience lead us to quarrel and conflict.  "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (James 1:19-20)."
(2) Pray in the middle of conflict for God to help us to have meaningful conversation.  On our own we will not be able to achieve this.  We need to pray for God to "change our hearts" (Malachi 4:6) so that we can really hear and listen to the other person so that instead of turning away from each other, we can turn towards each other.
(3) We have to pray for God to show us our faults and help us to accept them without pride and humble ourselves in front of our "enemy" admitting our own blame.  "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me. And lead me into the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24)."
(4) We pray for the other person -- the "enemy" or the one who has wronged or hurt us in conflict.  "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44)."  
(5) This is very hard to do because we are so angry with the other person, but we have to pray for God's enabling grace to help us to show love even when we least want to.  This involves forgiveness.  "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity (Colossians 3:12-14)."

Love

I will tell you that growing up I did not know what love meant.  Of course I "knew" that my parents loved me, but I did not "feel" it.  I'm not trying to blame my parents.  They were first generation immigrants and had to work extra hard and long hours just to make ends meet.  The generational, cultural, and language barriers also made it challenging for them to relate to us children who were born and raised in America.  When they divorced, my brother and I lived with my father.  My father is in many ways a very traditional Asian man -- in this context this means he shows little emotion because strong emotions are viewed as a sign of weakness in many Asian cultures.   It was not until my wedding day that I saw him shed a tear and heard him say that he loved me -- I will never forget that bittersweet moment.  As you can imagine, it was hard for me growing up because, as I mentioned before in an earlier post, one of my primary love languages is words of affirmation. Now that I am older, I realize that my parents truly did the best they could, just as we all do.   I know now that my father shows his love not by words, but by deeds.  For example, he will come and fix anything that we need fixed at the house, or he'll give the kids money for no reason.  I am thankful that we share a much closer relationship now.

But like I said, I really didn't understand what love meant when I was younger.  I just felt that it was somehow conditional, as in I had to be a "good" girl in order to receive it.  Meeting my husband in college was my first encounter with a love that included acceptance despite all my flaws.  At that time I was still struggling with deep depression and I clung onto him for dear life, thinking he was my life preserver.   You know the saying, "You cannot truly love another unless you first love yourself?"  Well I hated myself and kept thinking that no one could truly love me in return, which is why I think subconsciously I was so clingy.  I was afraid of losing him and love, not realizing that I was actually pushing him away by my neediness.  He loved me, sure, but he definitely felt stifled and weighed down.  He came from a strong Christian family and gave his life to Jesus at an early age.  So he would talk to me about God and His divine love, but I really didn't understand.  I had no experience with the type of unconditional, self-sacrificing love that he spoke of.  And the whole image of God, our Father, who loves us as a parent loves a child, I totally did not understand for the reasons I already mentioned.   So our relationship struggled for several years because I just did not understand the concept of love.  

Thankfully, God used the circumstances in my life to bring me to a point of brokenness (e.g., depression and illness) to really open my eyes to His holy love and grace.  He had been trying to show me all along that I was not alone, but I was so lost, I could not hear or recognize the displays of love from the people around me.  When I finally gave my life to Jesus, I finally understood.  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)."  The Greek word used in this passage for love is "agapao".  Which is why Christians today use the words Agape Love to describe the love of God.  This type of love is active, unconditional, selfless and self-sacrificing.  For "God is Love (1 John 4:8)."  Recognizing that God loved me despite everything, I learned to love myself, and then truly love another person without strings attached.

I am a parent and I love my children more than anything in the world.  They enrich my life and I love them even when they do something they shouldn't or when they irritate me.  Yet, I know I fall short everyday of displaying agape love to them.  I lose my patience with them more times than I'd like to admit over the smallest things, which then leads me to say and do things I wish I could take back.  And seriously, although I love them, sometimes I just want to be left alone.  I'm sure some of you can relate.  Still, I love them so much I could not imagine trading one of their lives for anything.  It makes me teary just imagining that something awful could happen to them.  I would be utterly distraught.  But that's exactly what God did.  He traded the life of his only son, Jesus, for the lives of all of us.  Even though we are sinners and fall short of God's righteousness, He loved us all as his children.  He wants us all back home with him in Heaven.  So He traded the life of the One for the many.  What a precious, invaluable gift that is!  And Jesus loved us so much also.  He knew God's plan.  He knew he would die for all of us, yet he still went to his death without hesitation and without complaint.   He knew the power of love, and commanded us even as he was being tried and sentenced,  to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. For this is the first and greatest commandments.  The second is love your neighbor as yourself. All the love and prophets hang on these two commandments. (Matthew 22:37-40)." In all these cases, the word used for love is "agapao".  He loved us so much, as he was dying he prayed not for deliverance, but that God would forgive the enemies who nailed him to the cross! "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing (Luke 23:34)." 

We are called to love God unconditionally and unselfishly, and sacrificially (putting Him first before all else) and secondly to love others MORE than we love ourselves, just as God and Christ loved us.  We are even to love our enemies, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44)."  What a high standard to live up to!  But it is the least we can do after receiving the free gift of eternal life!  "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud (1 Corinthians 13:4)."

Vanity and Pride

Instead of writing random thoughts everyday, I've been trying to wait for inspiration to write.  Generally the inspiration is a recurrent theme that the Lord impresses on me over the course of several days.   The Holy Spirit convicts me during daily foibles, and usually a word or two comes to mind and is repeated again and again until I can resist no longer and have to sit down and write.  Today's themes are two things that the Lord has been asking me to recognize in myself and work on this week:  Vanity and Pride.  According to the dictionary, Vanity is:  (1) an excessive pride in one's own appearance or ability/ achievements; and/ or (2) a quality of being futile or worthless.  Pride is: (1) A sense of one's one value, dignity, or esteem; (2) pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association; (3) arrogance, haughtiness; and/ or (4) excessively high opinion of oneself.  Obviously these two attributes are associated.

Normally I would not describe myself as vain or prideful since I really strive to be humble.  But I think that is exactly what is wrong, that I'm "trying" to be humble -- my true nature is probably much more selfish than I realize or want to admit.   I was convicted many times this week and forced to recognize these flawed attributes in myself, but I'll just give you a couple of pertinent examples.  On Thursday, I worked myself up into an anxious frenzy before leaving for a funeral because I couldn't figure out what to wear.  Oh vanity!!!!  Seriously, who cared?  It was a mournful occasion and all that was needed was for me to be there to support my friend and her family. I was blinded by my anxiousness in that moment and forgot to pray and turn to the Lord.  I was afraid I would see people from my old high school and I wanted to look my best.  It was my husband who reminded me to check myself and when I did I did not like what I saw.  I'm not talking about my appearance anymore, but my behavior.  I was irritable because I wasn't pleased with how I looked and worried we were running late, so I snapped at him.  Then of course my pride stepped in and I came up with a laundry list of reasons to be mad at him, but really it was just my pride keeping me from apologizing and admitting that I was wrong.  Thankfully the Holy Spirit intervened to convict me and I felt ashamed.  I asked forgiveness from my husband and from God.  What an ugly moment it was when vanity and pride snuck up on me!

Another example is actually related to this blog.  As you read please know that I am not trying to fish for any compliments.  I am merely writing to share with you a lesson that I have learned.   I have been anxious about this blog since I'm putting personal and controversial information online and also because I don't know how people will receive it.  I also was worrying about where this blog would lead me.  I've been wondering who actually reads this blog and what their thoughts are.  I started complaining to my husband about how I wished more people commented so that I knew if they liked what I wrote (or even if they disliked it).  Again, he reminded me that I shouldn't care and that this is not the purpose for my blogging.  How right he was!  A part of me kept focusing on how God called me to blog in order to reach others and make an impact for his glory.  If that is the case then he is the one in charge and not me, so I need to let go and just let him completely use me without expecting anything in return in terms of validation.  More importantly, I realized that the main purpose for my blogging is for me to keep myself in check!  I've recognized more things about myself these past few weeks then I have in a long time.  And not all of them pretty. . .  God is definitely using this experience to shape my character. 

I am pretty ashamed to admit that I have a great need for affirmation.  My husband will tell you that it is one of my primary love languages (this is based on Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages).   I know I'm not the only one out there who likes to hear praise and words of affirmation and validation.
After all, generally those types of words serve as motivation.  The problem is that this type of motivation is of this world.  Motivation that comes only from without that is based on praise and reward from other people can lead to apathy unless the external motivator remains in place.  God wants us to be motivated intrinsically and asks us to be servants and disciples who are motivated by faith and love for HIM. 

I was doing a search for scripture passages about vanity (I use the internet often because it's much faster) and found a website that has a list of KJV scripture translations.  When I cross-referenced it with my own bible (NIV Life Application Study Bible) there were surprising insights.   For example, Romans 8:20 in my bible reads, "For [all] the creation was subjected to frustration, not by it's own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from it's bondage to decay, and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God."  And in KJV the word "frustration" is replaced by the word "vanity".  I am not a biblical scholar by any means, but I find that fascinating and very telling about the true relationship between vanity, pride, and frustration.   Also, repeatedly in Psalms, my bible refers to a man's life as a "breath", illustrating the brevity of life by comparing it to a transient puff of air (e.g., Psalm 39:11; 62:9; 39:5; 144:4).  The KJV translation uses "vanity" in place of breath.  Similarly the KJV uses "vanity" in place of "futile" (e.g., Psalm 94:11) and "meaningless" (e.g., Job 7:16; Ecclesiastes 6:12; 11:10).  

This week, especially after having done some inductive bible study, I realized that the roots of my control issues are vanity and pride.  It's all about an over-reliance on my own strength and efforts.  I do use daily moments to pray and seek God's guidance and try to remember to turn to him always, but I've realized that there are also many moments when I fail to do so.   The moments that I don't turn to the Lord, I get frustrated, worried, anxious, and irritable.  As scripture shows, both are a form of self-idolatry (self-worship).  Self-focus and reliance on our own abilities keeps us from being wholly in God's presence and grace.  If we emphasize our own strength and resources out of vanity and pride, then we choose not to rely on the Lord and our efforts (whatever they are) will be futile and meaningless.  "Let him not deceive himself by trusting what is worthless (vanity), for he will get nothing in return (Job 16:31)."  There is a reason that pride is considered by many the root of all sin (see Isaiah 14:12-15).  It was Satan's sin and he fell from grace as a result.  And it's considered one of the most subtle but also among the seven things that God detests (see Proverbs 6:16-19).  Scripture clearly exalts humbleness as the "cure" to pride and vanity.  As humans living in a fallen world, I think we all have traces of pride and vanity in us.  A truly humble person is hard to find.  Do you know of anyone?  I know of many who, like myself, are working on it, but I don't know of many people who are truly humble except for the example of Jesus.  That's what we need to strive for though, especially if we are followers of Christ.  Even if you are not yet a believer, pride is still something to try and change.  Most people don't like or appreciate being around someone who is arrogant or narcissistic. So the lesson is:  be humble.

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6)."
"For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted (Matthew 23:12)."