Take it to the cross

             I had the privilege to share my testimony today at Praise Unchained at Broadlands Community Church in Ashburn.  It is not my church, but I was honored a friend asked me to share there.  It was a great time of worship music, sharing, and encouragement.  We were also given the chance to write down our burdens and nail them to the cross.   A great illustration and reminder of what Christ did for us on the cross.  God is so good and even during that hour, I felt the spirit move and I felt the presence of God in that room.  As with my first "talk" that I did for CBS, the spirit worked and I felt Him move me in a different direction than what I had previously prepared to share. . . So in speech I deviated again from the written script.  But I think the Lord still used it for his glory.   But I feel also compelled to "publish" the written version I had prepared.  So here it is:

             My path to the cross has been a long and difficult one.  My family life was not pretty.  I grew up in an environment filled with lies, cheating, betrayal, skeletons and secrets, pain, sorrow, heartache, bitterness and anger -- but most of all shame.   Shame and despair marked my childhood and young adult years when I battled with severe depression.  I internalized everything that was going on in my broken family.  My parent's failed marriage, their divorce, it was all my fault. . . It did not help that I was forced to be the parent figure for a younger brother who resented it. . . My extended family was an awful mess also, even though many were proclaimed Christians, their life did not match their preaching. . . I felt unloved and unwanted.  And there is so much more I could say and share, but this is not the place for that.  Suffice it to say that when I look back on my childhood, I remember more bad than good.  Friendships came and went and proved to me how unworthy I was to be loved and how undesirable I was as a person.  I was very suicidal and on more than one occasion contemplated and almost went through with killing myself.   I  remember one time driving late at night -- no other cars were around, and sobbing so hard and screaming that there was no reason to live. .. I pushed the pedal really hard and the car picked up speed to about 100 or so mph.  All I wanted was to put a stop to my pain.  I saw a big tree and wanted to just run into it -- to end it all. . . By God's shear grace he saved me that night and many other nights since.  Other times I felt so numb and devoid of emotion that I  would cut, stick needles in my arm, or bang my head against a wall just to "feel" something.   

            Even though I rejected God, he did not give up on me!  He had a plan for my life and it included good that would come from all of this pain.   I went to college, still depressed, but I had learned from my family how to put on a good outward appearance. . .  I met my husband at UVA and we've been together 15 years.   For the first time I witnessed in my husband the peace and calm that comes from the Lord.   For the first time I did not feel unwanted -- even when he saw how broken I was, he still loved me and wanted to be with me.   That was the first anyone had ever paid me that much care and attention.   He never pushed his faith on me, but invited me to go to church with him.  And for the first time I began hearing the true gospel message about how we are saved by grace, not by our own works.  Ephesians 8:2-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the GIFT of God, not by works, so that no one can boast."   It is all about what Jesus did for us on the cross, taking our sin upon himself, undeservedly, but willingly, so that we might have eternal life and we could be cleansed of our trespasses and stand before God new with credited righteousness, so that we could become beloved children of God!  We didn't have to do anything!

            I wanted this promised gift, but still my stubborn heart would not fully relent out of fear of rejection.  How could God even begin to love me?  I was a mess.  But God did not give up on me.  He continued to pursue me over the next few years as I attended church with Javier outwardly, while inwardly still holding on tight to my life.    Early in 2003, while in graduate school, I became stricken with a mysterious illness.  I had recurring lightening shock like pain that would shoot up the side of my face every few minutes.  In between the pain would be this uncomfortable sensation as though my face was on fire and ants were crawling all over my jaw.    I was in so much pain,  I had to withdraw from the semester of school.  I could barely get out of bed.  I could barely eat or shower, I lost weight, and my personal hygiene was not very good. After several ER visits and consultations with specialists, I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia, a chronic nerve disorder that usually is life-long.  There are options to treat or manage the pain, but few things to be done to completely "cure" the disorder.   For a 24 year old, this was devastating news -- the future seemed empty of hope.   It was in this darkness and brokenness that I finally cried out to the Lord, Jesus.  That was 10 years ago, and my life has never been the same.  For one, the Lord has completely healed me -- miraculously so.   After a series of oral surgeries, I have not had pain in a decade!!!!   How amazing is that?

             God has been so faithful ever since I gave him my life.  He has turned it upside down, inside out, done a total 180 -- but it is undeniable that his plans were much bigger, grander, and BETTER than anything I could have imagined for myself.  Praise the Lord!  He continues to work to transform me into someone who He can use for his glory.   I am learning the truth of Genesis 50: 20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."   Seeing him use me, in my brokenness, sharing my story and all of the ugliness there to help and encourage others has changed my life and pushed my faith even further.  It's all him!  It is not me!   But how amazing is it that he can use my brokenness for his glory?  What an honor and a privilege it is!   I am still a sinner through and through -- as we all are -- so I don't get it right all the time.  But that is ok because God is patient, and he is loving, and he is so full of grace.   Because of what Christ did on the cross, he has forgiven our sins.  He will never bring them up and throw it in our face.   And now I am free from the self-condemnation and shame of my youth.  I am worthy in the eyes of God! 

            I don't know where you are in your faith journey.  But I am here to tell you, you are worthy too!!!   Just look up at the cross, KNOW and BELIEVE that Christ died for us.  Don't let it be just an intellectual knowledge.  It has to be personal: Christ died for YOU!   Do you truly believe that?  It took me years to truly wrap my head around this and really believe it.   I was so broken, I was so lost. . .   I didn't think anyone could love me, let alone a perfect God.  But the awesome thing is that he does!  He loved me so much he pursued me and never gave up on me even when others had abandoned me to my despair and I had given up on myself.   He will do the same for you.   God sent Jesus to die for ME.   Jesus died and rose from the dead to bring light  and hope into MY darkness.   He said, John 8:12, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but have the light of life."   He loved ME that much to become my personal light!   He brought hope to me at a such a time when I saw no hope.  And he can do that for YOU.  Do you believe it?   If you have never given your life to Christ, I urge you to take that leap of faith.   You will never regret it.  You will experience peace and comfort that transcends all understanding.  You will experience a joy and a hope that is supernatural and not linked to the circumstances of this life.   You will receive the free gift of salvation because of grace.  I didn't deserve it -- none of us deserve it, which makes it all the more wonderful and powerful.  It is free and a gift.  Don't you want it?  This gift, yes, it is about eternal life after we die and leave this world, we get to be in heaven with Jesus.  But don't let that future promise stop you from knowing, believing, and accepting that gift NOW.  Because the minute you receive it, salvation is yours NOW, this second, in the present.  Jesus will be your personal savior in the here and now.  Whatever life throws at you, he will be there with you, to help you, to give you strength, and to lift you up when you are weary.  There is just so much power in the name, Jesus.  All you need to do is utter it. . . Jesus, Jesus.  He already knows what is going on in your life better than you know yourself.   And once you utter His name and truly, truly believe, the Holy Spirit will enter and he will intercede on your behalf.  And you will NEVER, NEVER be alone again.   And there will be no missing it when the spirit fills you.  You will know it and feel it.

            If you have already given your life to Christ, I want to tell you, the process of transformation is ongoing, and so the Lord will continue to use the circumstances in your life to mold and shape you.  The key is to not become complacent in your faith.  Continue to let the Lord work in your life.  How you do that is to make sure you take everything, and I mean EVERYTHING to the cross.  Lay it at the feet of Jesus.  He wants you to do that.  He wants you to bring all your cares, worries, and anxieties to him.  1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxieties on Him, for he cares for you."  1 Corinthians 10:13, "No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others.  And God is faithful and he will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear, but with the trial will provide a way out so that you can endure it."  The way out -- it is Jesus!  We live in a fallen world and it's full of trouble.   But the Lord says in John 16:33, "In me you can have peace.  In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the world!"   When  you start to feel overwhelmed, that is your cue to take it to the cross.   You are feeling overwhelmed probably because you are trying to carry the burden  yourself.  You are resorting to your own strength and your own means to control and fix and do. . . . This is not the way friends.  I know because I have been there -- I am still there sometimes.  The Lord is still working in me and I am still learning.  My nature is to control but I have learned that if I just let go, the Lord is so faithful and his way is SO much better....  Where ever you are in your faith walk, will you, like me, look up today, see the cross and marvel in its beauty, accept the salvation it represents, and bask in the LOVE that it symbolizes?  There is so much freedom and power there -- and Jesus is calling, waiting, and beckoning to you and to me to follow him.   Like me, he has given you a unique life path and a story to share, and to use for his glory.  Will you answer his call?   

Steps of Faith and Obedience

             The Lord has been pushing me outside of my comfort zone in so many ways! Starting this blog a couple of years ago was one way.  Now, it is public speaking.  I did a brief opening talk yesterday for our women's CBS (Community Bible Study).  I was so nervous, but the Lord gave me courage and strength.  Sharing in front of all these women was a blessing for me and it is opening doors that I never could have imagined.  I have been invited by one of the women to speak at an event at her church.  I am also meeting women at my daughters' swim practices and gymnastics who recognize me from CBS.  Hearing from these women and others about how my testimony has blessed them has been so encouraging and edifying. My heart has been so full the past two days!  It is such a privilege and an honor to be used by the Lord!  I can not boast because it is all him.  It is just so amazing that he can use our personal brokenness for his glory if we step out in obedience and trust him.

              I was reminded today that the Lord has given me a story to share.  I just have to trust that it will be used for his good and for his glory.  During the opening talk, I deviated a bit from the script and shared what I felt the Holy Spirit was prompting me to share. This it the link for the audio recording: http://www.cbsclass.org/Portals/0/CBS/LessonLectures/11760/Opening%2010-23-13_2013_10_23_09_15_53.mp3 . However, below is the actual "script" that I wrote for the talk:  

             The bible tells us, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)"  I stand before you today a new creature in Christ.  I used to be an athiest, depressed, and suicidal.   I finally gave my life to Christ 10 years ago, after a long bout with a mysterious illness that caused daily pain without much hope of a cure.  In my utter brokenness I cried out to Jesus to save me and accepted him into my heart.  Eventually, the Lord miraculously healed me and transformed me from the inside out. 

            The process of transformation in me is still ongoing.    Philippians 1:6 says,  "He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Each day the spirit works within me to mold me into the person the Lord wants me to be -- into a version of myself  He can fully use.   I am learning that obedience plays a key role in this process.  It is not coincidence that God wanted me to talk about obedience on the very day we study about Abraham.  Abraham's faith and obedience deepened his relationship with God, but it also had profound implications for God's kingdom.  Where would we be today if Abraham had not obeyed?  From Abraham's lineage came our very Lord, Jesus!  Obedience has a ripple effect that can impact others for God's glory.   Have you ever thought about that?  Have you thought about how God can use your obedience?

            I have been thinking about this a lot lately.   The past few months have been very difficult for my family, especially my brother, Brian,  and my sister-in-law, Natalie.   As many of you already know, my 3 year old nephew Nathan was diagnosed with a large brain tumor at the beginning of September.  He had surgery to remove the tumor.  During the surgery he had a stroke which left him paralyzed on his left side.  Doctors are still unsure about what to do with the remaining 20% of the tumor. . .  But the Lord is so good and  Nathan has regained mobility and is now able to walk and will be returning home this weekend!  

            I think from the beginning God knew the role he wanted me to play in Brian and Natalie's life and in Nathan's story.  But to be able to perform my role to the fullest,  I first needed to learn obedience one step at a time. . .  Whether it was to be baptized, share my testimony, leave a career in clinical psychology to be a stay at home mom, lead bible study with young moms, start a couples bible study with neighbors and my brother and sister-in-law, or become a children's teacher, and speak in front of all you -- each time I put aside fear and stepped out in obedience on what the Lord called me to do,  God has been faithful  and my relationship with him has grown deeper.  Even though it is hard for me to obey the Lord sometimes,  I find that what God has planned for me, although sometimes difficult, is also more rewarding than anything I could have ever imagined or planned for myself.  

            Our steps of obedience are never isolated incidents.  God always has a larger purpose for them that we cannot see in the moment, but if we remain faithful, he reveals it to us.  He says in John 14:15, 21, "If you love me, you will obey what I command. . . whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me.  He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and reveal myself to him."  I believe that the Lord has been revealing himself to me and bringing to light the purpose for a lot of the things he called me to do up until now. . .purposes I never quite understood.  There are too many examples to get into in this short amount of time, but suffice it to say that as I look back over the years I have been a follower of Christ, it is amazing how the Lord has used my obedience not only to mature my faith, but also to strategically place the right people around Brian, Natalie, Nathan, and our family, to support us during this time.

            For example, when the Lord called me to start a moms small group, I had no idea that one of the women in that group would ultimately serve a vital role in getting Natalie connected to a bible study that would be so instrumental in her faith walk!  The women in that group poured into Natalie!  And their husbands poured into Brian.  They watered the seeds that we had been planting for years, and helped those seeds bear fruit in Brian and Natalie's lives.   As a result, today Brian and Natalie are spiritually strong to endure this crisis, and glorifying the Lord all the while.   Three years ago I would not have been able to tell you, without a doubt, that they were saved. . . and had the tumor been found then, they would have been ill equipped to deal with it, let alone glorify God.  They knew about God, Jesus, and attended church, but I don't believe that they truly accepted him as Lord and Savior -- not until the past couple of years.  And then God pushed them in their faith hard and fast to equip them for this hardship.   I have never witnessed faith that blossomed and grew so strong so quickly. 

            Sometimes I pray to the Lord and ask him to take the remaining tumor away and heal Nathan completely -- because I have personally witnessed God's miraculous healing grace in my own life and I know it can happen.  But the Lord tells me to trust in him, and wait patiently.  That this is bigger than us. . .  I cannot deny the good that is coming from all of this situation for God's glory.  It is the promise of Romans 8:28,  "In all things God will work for the good of those who love him, and who are called according to his purpose."  The Lord placed it on my heart to start a FB page for Nathan -- to be a central means of communication and updates, but also as a tool for evangelism.   Close to 800 people are currently members of that page, and they are sharing it with friends and family who are not on FB.   It is amazing to see the body of Christ rise up to encourage and support their own -- so humbling!  People all over the world, in countries and states we have never been to, are praying,  and God has been hearing these prayers!  Over 900 of these bracelets have been bought and are being worn that say, Praying for Nathan.  

And these bracelets are sparking up conversations about the Lord EVERYWHERE!  My daughter wore one to school and she said 15 of her young friends asked her about it and she told them Nathan's story and told a few of them about Jesus.  It gives me such chills to think about how the Lord is using this situation for his glory!  I am in awe of him!   

            So what is my point?  It is this:  No matter where you are in your faith walk, even though it can be scary to step out into the unknown, each time you step out in obedience, it pleases God.  Obedience is faith and trust in action.  Each step you take will bring you closer to God.    You will be more attuned to Him working in your life.  Practicing obedience is like training your spiritual muscles.  Each time you obey, it makes it easier for you to obey next time.  Luke 16:10 says, "He who is faithful with little things, he will be faithful in large things."  You never know how God will use your obedience to bless others or to further his kingdom.   How God uses your obedience for his glory will be so awesome that you cannot even boast, because you will know that all the good is from the Lord and not from your own works.    God's got a big plan, and he has designated a special role for each of us to play.   He does not need us to accomplish his purposes, but he chooses to include us.  What an honor and privilege that is!  But God can't use us unless we obey.  God knows we won't always get this obedience thing right  -- If you are like me, you'll probably get it wrong more times than you want to admit.  But that is ok!  It takes practice.  But God is so full of grace that when we get it wrong he will comfort us and love us still.  And he is so patient with us and gives us many chances.   What is the Lord perhaps calling you to do today or this week?  Whatever it is he is, he will give you the strength and courage to do it.  His grace is sufficient.  Just step out in faith and watch his glory unfold.

Renewed spirit.

It had been a rough morning.  I had an awful fight with the husband.  To be honest, I don't even remember what it was about.  But it left me very sad.  When I get really upset, one of my tendencies is to try and shut out the entire world.  I want to be alone, to think, to cry, and to just sleep.  These maladaptive coping mechanisms I learned from back in the days of depression.  So I hid myself in our bedroom for the majority of the day.  I laid in bed paralyzed because I couldn't shake the sadness and the anger that filled my heart.  I couldn't lift the fog that had settled over my mind, and there was a weight of doubt over my soul.

The enemy was prowling and he was whispering false statements in my ear.  I felt attacked and bombarded with negative thoughts.   How could he say the things that he did?  Doesn't he understand that it hurts me? He must not love me.  He must not care for me.  Worse yet, he made me look like a fool.  How could he?  He doesn't respect me. . . 

I wept.  And as I wept I asked the Lord to free me of my heartache and to help me to see the situation clearly.  I turned to scripture and came across this verse: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me (Psalm 51:10)."  It was the perfect prayer and I repeated it over and over again. Eventually my tears subsided.  I felt more calm.  I felt that I could finally rejoin my family downstairs.

Downstairs I found my husband playing with the children.  They had an elaborate game of make-believe going on.  They had "stores" set up.  One girl had a bookstore.  The second girl had a candy and sweets store. My husband and the baby were the customers buying the goods.  They were smiling, giggling and laughing and having a grand old time.  I watched them and realize that while I was struggling with self-pity upstairs I was missing out on great family time.  I looked at them and my heart swelled with love.  The bible says that "love will cover over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)."  This is true.

This is my family whom I love.  These are my children whom I love.  This is my husband whom I love. I realized then that I was grateful for this man who was a wonderful father to my children.  I realized that although he hurt me with his words, I over-reacted and did not show him the grace he deserved either.  I realized that I was quick to assume the worst of him and his intentions and really allowed the negative thoughts and feelings to take over.  I lost my focus.  I should have held steadfast to the foundation of love that is built between us, with God at the center.  Thank the Lord for giving me that moment of clarity and change in perspective.  He restored my heart to a good place and renewed the right spirit inside of me.  It was by showing love, grace, and forgiveness to each other just as Christ did for us on the cross.

There will be many things that occur in life that will upset us.  There are many things that will take the joy from our hearts.  The enemy will also take the opportunity to make us doubt.  To combat it we must always ask the Lord to secure and guard our hearts and help us regain perspective so that our spirit is renewed and stays steadfast.

Cease Striving

My oldest daughter, for as long as we remember, has had bouts of recurrent fevers.   It has become a mystery as to why they keep occurring.  So far blood tests have come back normal.  The most probable diagnosis is a type of periodic fever syndrome -- and even this is rather vague.  There isn't much to be done other than to manage the fever when it occurs.  In between episodes she is completely healthy and happy, and her development is fine.  We are still praying to discover the cause of these fevers and to perhaps find a cure for them -- whatever that may be.  But really, of all the illnesses my daughter could have, this isn't such a bad one.  More than anything it's just inconvenient.  The fevers cause her to miss school and other activities for days at a time.  When she has an episode, she lays on the couch for days.  This type of laying around goes against her very nature.  She is the child who has to constantly be doing something.  She does not like to be still.  She is our gymnast who does one-handed cartwheels for hours on our living room floor.  She is our climber who literally scales our walls like a spider-girl.  She is not a child who likes to rest.

I hate to see my little girl sick and not herself.  However, I have been thinking that perhaps these fevers serve a good purpose.  Perhaps it is her body's way to tell her she needs to rest.  She refuses to ever admit that she is tired, even if her eyes are having a hard time staying open.  She proclaims, "I don't need rest! I don't want to!  I am fine!"  If you listen to her you'd think we invented a new form of torture by making her stay in bed.  

Teaching my daughter to rest has made me think a lot about Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." In other translations the words "be still" are replaced with "cease striving."  In other words, I believe this means to "let go."  Let go of what?  In observing my daughter struggling and fighting against the rest that she needs, I think it's about letting go of control.  I would tell her I knew what was best for her, but she disagreed.  She wanted to be in control of when and where she would rest -- if she were to rest at all.  

Perhaps I speak only for myself. . .  but like my daughter, I think we all sometimes fight against what we know is good for us.  We strive constantly to control every aspect of our lives.  We stay busy, active, and moving because it gives us an illusion of control.  When we are doing something we feel like we are in the driver's seat.  We believe we are the ones who know the best about everything that pertains to our lives.  We are wrong.  When we give our lives to Jesus, he should now be in the driver's seat.  He is now the one that we should lean on and trust to guide us where we need to go. He is the one who knows the best for us and has a plan for us that is good (Jeremiah 29:11).  To cease striving means to stop struggling against him.  It means to stop trying to wrestle the steering wheel away from him.   Of course we need to do our part -- whatever that may look like -- but we need to accept that He is God.  Let go of worry.  Let go of anxiety.  Let go of stress.  Let go of control.  Let go and we will see God's faithfulness in our lives and He will give us the rest that our soul yearns for even if we don't acknowledge that we need it. Cease striving and know he has everything under control.  

Lord, help me and the others who ask, to let go of the control.  Help us to give it all up to you and to follow your lead always.  Help us to know that as you are the creator and the master of all heaven and earth, you too can orchestrate our lives for your glory and for good.  You ask only that we be still, to cease striving, and to let you do your mighty work in our lives.  Amen.  

 

Listening skills

It was one of "those" days. . . The type of day when the kids wake up all cranky.  The type of day marked by poor behavior, crying, temper tantrums, screaming, doors slamming, feet stomping, and no naps. . . The type of day that gives you a glimpse of what the teenage years will look like in a house full of estrogen. The type of day when as a parent you want to cry and rip your hair out -- or like me, be on my knees praying constantly for patience, wisdom, and peace.

Throughout the day I kept reminding the girls that they needed to listen to me.  I reminded them about the importance of having their listening ears on, to hear and do what mommy asked (a.k.a; obedience).  Being 6.5 years, 3.5 years, and 15 months old, that is HARD.  It is hard because these ages are marked by egocentric desires and they just want to do what they please, when they please.  I just trust that one day my words will sink in and they will do what I ask the first time, and I will not have to keep being a broken record repeating the same command over, and over, and over. . .

At bedtime, I led the girls in prayer and it went something like this:
Dear Lord, thank you for today even though it was a hard day.  Thank you for the blessings you pour into our lives.  Help us to know you love us always and want the best for us.  Help us to know that mommy and daddy love each of us (Arianna, Cara, and Evelyn) just like that.  That mommy and daddy just want what is best for us, and we have to trust that they are helping to teach us be better people so that we can grow up to glorify you someday.  Help us to listen not just with our ears, but with our hearts, and obey mommy and daddy --  because that way we learn to obey you.  May we always strive to be better people -- in your son's name.  Amen.  

I told the girls I love them very much and I don't like to have to discipline them or give them consequences, but I do so because I want to teach them right from wrong, and to make better choices.  We talked about how Jesus can help them if they ask for his help.  And because he lives in their hearts, they have ready access to him always.  We talked about how hard it is to ask him for help in the moment when our emotions are running wild -- I told them it's hard for me sometimes too.  But that if we ask, he will give us peace and help direct our actions so that we make better choices and can avoid negative consequences.  Arianna (my 6.5 year old) replied, "But Mommy, there are two voices inside my head.  One that tells me to do things I know I shouldn't, and one that tells me to stop and don't do it.   I know which one is Jesus, but sometimes it's so hard to hear him because he is more quiet."

How absolutely right she is!  Wise beyond her years sometimes.   It can be very hard to hear Jesus's voice, especially when our emotions are high.  We all live in this world, and however much we fight it, sometimes selfish desires and wants invade our quiet minds and hearts.  It is much easier to hear the loud siren call of this world.  It is everywhere on tv, movies, books, and in the people who surround us.  We often give into temptations when we know we should not.  Temptations look different for everyone.  Money. Sex. Success. Power.  Drugs.  These are all big ones.  But even more subtly are the temptations to say things we shouldn't; to be impulsive when it comes to our reactions to others; quickness to anger and frustration; comparing ourselves; and proclaiming unfairness. . .

Whatever decisions, choices, or temptations you are dealing with in your life, I encourage you to listen to God with amplified ears.  When Elijah was seeking God on the mountain he discovered that he had to attune his ears to hear the Lord:
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.   (1 Kings 19:11-13)
The Lord's presence was in that gentle whisper, and Elijah recognized that.  God is all powerful and holds the forces of nature in his hand, yet he chooses to talk to us in a small, still voice.  This world is loud, noisy, and messy. And like Arianna so poignantly stated, it is hard to hear the Lord.  But as I told her, that doesn't mean he is not there.  It just means we have to listen harder, with better listening skills and with daily practice.

When the shoe doesn't fit

Sunday was a tough day with Cara, my middle three year old.  She woke up just like any other day smiling and laughing.  After much deliberating at her closet door, she picked out a cute long summer dress to wear to church.  She wanted to wear her glittery, sparkly black shoes that unfortunately were a tad too small for her.  I suggested she wear something else.  I helped her look through the closet and we rediscovered a long forgotten pair of brown flower sandals that used to belong to Arianna.  They looked like new and Cara loved them.  She was so excited to put them on.  While pulling them out, we also rediscovered some other sandals (one pink and one orange) that were given to them as gifts from their grandmother upon her return from Vietnam.  Cara's eyes got big.  She had to try them on, especially the pink ones.  Unfortunately it was too big for her.  I offered her the orange ones.  She did not want them.  She no longer wanted the brown one with flowers either.  She started to cry.

Cara cares a lot about her appearance.  She puts much emphasis on her clothes, shoes, hair, and accessories.  Although it is cute that she loves frilly, pretty, girly things.  It breaks my heart sometimes to realize that she feels as though these things define her.  I don't know how much of it is due to her temperament and how much is due to her being a middle child.  She compares herself to her older sister a lot.  That morning she looked at Arianna who wore a shorter, halter-style dress and then decided her cute long summer dress wasn't good enough.  She needed to change immediately into a shorter dress.  She had asked me to do her hair in a certain way, but looked at Arianna who had a ponytail and decided that she absolutely needed me to change it and put her hair into a ponytail too.

Cara fell apart that morning about her shoes, her outfit, and her hair. . .  She cried and pouted and repeatedly exclaimed, "I am not beautiful!  I am not pretty!"  We would try to reassure her and say, "You are beautiful! So pretty!"  She'd respond, "No, I am not!  Don't say that!  I don't like you.  Don't look at me.  Don't talk to me!"  We'd say, "You don't have to like us right now, but we love you so much!  We'll always love you. Doesn't matter what you wear or what you look like, or what you do."   She'd say, "I don't love you!  It's all your fault!"

Cara was so sad and so very upset.   I decided she needed some quality one-on-one time with mommy.  I wanted to teach her that beauty comes from the inside.  I wanted to teach her that her self-worth is measured by WHO she is and what her heart is like, rather than WHAT she looks like outside.  I wanted to teach her to be confident in herself because she is a child of God.    I took her to lunch and to our local Hallmark just to pass some time.  She enjoyed browsing the store and became fascinated by some hanging glass decorations and this provided the perfect teachable moment.  We talked about how the glass was so pretty because the light was shining through them and showing all the different colors.  We talked about how we can see all the way inside of them.   I told her that God made her and he made her beautiful.  Because he made her, he could see all the way inside -- straight to her heart.  He could see all the wonderful colors inside of her heart that made her beautiful.  Her kindness was one color.  Her love and care for her sisters was one color.  Her enjoyment of ballet was another color. . .   And God delighted in her!   And God allowed mommy and daddy to see straight to her heart too, and we also see and know that she is beautiful and we love her.  Below is the smile I was rewarded with after our talk.  Precious and beautiful!

Just like Cara, don't we get upset sometimes when we compare our bodies, our houses, our cars, our wallets, our lifestyles, our parenting approaches --  even our kids -- up against the standards of this world?  The thing is, we'll always find someone who looks better; someone with a bigger house; someone with a better car; someone who makes more money; and someone who seems to have the parenting thing down.  If we keep comparing ourselves, we'll always find that we fall short next to someone else.  That's when discontent and unhappiness sets in.   God wants us to come to him for some one-on-one time when this happens.  He wants to remind us of what truly matters.  "The Lord does not look at the things people look at.  People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7)."    It doesn't matter what we see when we look in the mirror since our view may be skewed and shaped by others and the world.  The Lord sees us for who we truly are.  What makes us beautiful in his sight is our heart for him.  God knows us.  He knew us before we were even born because he created us and knit us together in our mother's womb.  We are "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13)."  God has specific plans for our lives that are good (Jeremiah 29:11).  We need to remember all these things.  We need to know that our self-worth is found in Him, not in the things of this world.  We need to be confident in his love for us and know that he "takes great delight" in us (Zephaniah 3:17).

Cara was upset on Sunday because her shoe did not fit.  The same holds true for all of us.  If God did not intend for it to be in our lives, the shoe will not fit!  No amount of fussing and crying will change that fact.  And if we try to wear a shoe that doesn't fit us, we'll stumble and fall.  Let's trust God and the shoes he laid out for us and try to avoid the comparison trap.

Dear Lord, it is hard not to compare ourselves to others and up against the world's ideas of beauty, success, and happiness. . . even when we know that your standards are all that truly matter.  Help us to remember, Lord, that you see things not the way the world does.  What matters to you is our heart.  And if our hearts trust and lean on you, then all is well with our soul.  And that, Lord, that is what makes us beautiful.  That we are your children.  You created us and all your works are beautiful and precious to you. May we always remember that true worth is found in you and only you.  May we be able to teach that to our children.  Amen.   

Butterflies

It has been a long time since I have written.  Life has just sort of taken over. . . I am sure everyone can relate to that to some extent, but I think parents with young children really know what I am talking about.  Taking care of little ones can sometimes just suck the life out of you.  As joyful as it can be, it is also just plain exhausting and can be all-consuming.  I have three beautiful daughters (6, 3, and 1 years old).  I love them dearly, but by the end of the day I am just weary!  It doesn't help that my husband works insanely long hours.  He leaves before the kids are up and doesn't get home until way after they are in bed.  So Monday through Friday it is just me and the three girls (with a few rare and precious exceptions).  Juggling three different schedules of school, extracurricular activities, meals, naps, and bedtimes are enough to sometimes make my head want to explode -- especially when I feel like a single parent most of the week.  Once they are all in bed and I have some alone time, I often just want to lay down with a book or my IPad, breathe, relax and recover. . .  Forget the dishes, forget the laundry, and forget the gazillion things that need to get done in the house.  I seriously am just done by the end of the day. . . . 

Yet, God is so ever faithful!  Even though in my weariness I often forget to seek Him during the day, He always finds little ways to remind me that He is there and that I am not alone.  It might be something that the children say, something I see, something I read, an email from an old friend, or a pertinent devotional or scripture verse that I stumble upon.   

Tuesday was the last day of school for my Kindergartener (I guess she's technically a 1st grader now) and was a short day.  My three year old had a busy morning at camp.   My 1 year old did not nap more than a few minutes in the car all day.  Our basement is out of commission because our water heater broke, causing a lot of water damage.  It had been a frustrating week with service people working, insurance agents coming to inspect things, piles of stuff everywhere. . . It was a rainy day on Tuesday too, so I think being confined to one floor and being unable to go outside, compounded by tiredness just made the kids a bit stir-crazy.  They began to unravel and so did I.  Oh it was not pretty.  I was yelling, the kids weren't listening, there were lots of tears.  I decided everyone needed an early bed.  I was feeling frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, and a bit angry.  I knew in the grand scheme of things it really wasn't a big deal, but in the moment it felt like this HUGE weight was on me and I couldn't get out from under it.  That's when I said a silent prayer, "Lord, please help me."  Short and simple.  I knew he'd know what I meant.  

Suddenly Cara (3 yr old) shouts, "Mommy, Mommy!  Come look!  A butterfly!"  I also heard Arianna (6 yr old) exclaiming the same thing, "Omigosh!  Omigosh!  A butterfly!"  I was still finishing up with the baby in her room so I told them they had to wait.  Once I put the baby down I finally came out to take a look.  It was a moth -- a really pretty one with iridescent, pale white wings, that had flown into their bathroom.  It was fluttering around and my sweet girls were trying to catch it in order to rescue it.  I joined in on the fun and we were able to catch it in a container and set it free outside.  I watched it fly away into the setting sun and it hit me that God answered my prayer.  He was reminding me to look around and count my blessings.  He was reminding me of all His glorious wonders:  "Stop and behold God's wonders (Job 37:14)!"   There is no better medicine than a change of perspective and heart when feeling sorry for yourself.  

And today, during another long and tiresome day of camp, doctor appointments, contractors, and swim practice, I again started down the negative feelings and mind trap, and the Lord stopped me short.   While talking to a friend about long days, and how fleeting time can be, and pondering how I got to where I am today, a beautiful butterfly flew by.  It got so close, nearly landing on my shoulder, almost to say "Hello.  Look at me.  Remember me."  It was a yellow and black butterfly, resembling the one below.  I couldn't help but smile.  And if that wasn't enough, as I was driving to pick up Cara from camp, another butterfly -- or perhaps the same one because it too was yellow and black -- flew across my windshield.  It stayed right ahead of me until I made the turn into school. 

The butterflies today, although not eagles, reminded me of this verse in Isaiah 40:31, "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."   

Thank you, Lord, for the butterflies.  Thank you for the reminders this week that you are with me, and that I can lean on  you.  Thank you for reminding me to stop and count my blessings in the midst of tiresome days.  Thank you for reminding me that you can give me strength to get through days when I am weary and weak.  I love you, Lord.  Amen.