It had been a rough morning. I had an awful fight with the husband. To be honest, I don't even remember what it was about. But it left me very sad. When I get really upset, one of my tendencies is to try and shut out the entire world. I want to be alone, to think, to cry, and to just sleep. These maladaptive coping mechanisms I learned from back in the days of depression. So I hid myself in our bedroom for the majority of the day. I laid in bed paralyzed because I couldn't shake the sadness and the anger that filled my heart. I couldn't lift the fog that had settled over my mind, and there was a weight of doubt over my soul.
The enemy was prowling and he was whispering false statements in my ear. I felt attacked and bombarded with negative thoughts. How could he say the things that he did? Doesn't he understand that it hurts me? He must not love me. He must not care for me. Worse yet, he made me look like a fool. How could he? He doesn't respect me. . .
I wept. And as I wept I asked the Lord to free me of my heartache and to help me to see the situation clearly. I turned to scripture and came across this verse: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me (Psalm 51:10)." It was the perfect prayer and I repeated it over and over again. Eventually my tears subsided. I felt more calm. I felt that I could finally rejoin my family downstairs.
Downstairs I found my husband playing with the children. They had an elaborate game of make-believe going on. They had "stores" set up. One girl had a bookstore. The second girl had a candy and sweets store. My husband and the baby were the customers buying the goods. They were smiling, giggling and laughing and having a grand old time. I watched them and realize that while I was struggling with self-pity upstairs I was missing out on great family time. I looked at them and my heart swelled with love. The bible says that "love will cover over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)." This is true.
This is my family whom I love. These are my children whom I love. This is my husband whom I love. I realized then that I was grateful for this man who was a wonderful father to my children. I realized that although he hurt me with his words, I over-reacted and did not show him the grace he deserved either. I realized that I was quick to assume the worst of him and his intentions and really allowed the negative thoughts and feelings to take over. I lost my focus. I should have held steadfast to the foundation of love that is built between us, with God at the center. Thank the Lord for giving me that moment of clarity and change in perspective. He restored my heart to a good place and renewed the right spirit inside of me. It was by showing love, grace, and forgiveness to each other just as Christ did for us on the cross.
There will be many things that occur in life that will upset us. There are many things that will take the joy from our hearts. The enemy will also take the opportunity to make us doubt. To combat it we must always ask the Lord to secure and guard our hearts and help us regain perspective so that our spirit is renewed and stays steadfast.
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