Foothold

"Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

Today I went went with 5 other moms and 14.5 children to the farm to pick some apples.  It started out fun.  The children had a blast picking the apples and riding the wagon.  There were also farm animals to see, a fun moon-bounce, and lots of other things to do and explore.  Unfortunately the fun abruptly ended for us as one by one my children began to lose it, as did I.

Cara was the first to unravel.  She usually is because she is my introverted homebody.  She doesn't mind social situations and activity, but after a certain point she wants to leave and go home, to get rest and quiet-time.  I knew she was done when she began to fuss.  Arianna was having fun playing with her friends and cousins, but I could not be in multiple places at once.  I knew it seemed unfair to make her leave too, but Cara was done and the baby needed to nurse.  So I gave Arianna a 5-minute warning.  When it was up, as expected she didn't want to go.  She started to fuss and whine and struggle against me as I grabbed her hand to leave.  She started to make excuses wanting to feed the farm animals and to go back to tell her friend something.  She was refusing to walk with me so I picked her up and put her into the double stroller.  Fortunately Cara was already in it and I was carrying the baby in the Ergo carrier.  Arianna screamed and cried all the way back to the car and the entire time in the car while I was trying to nurse the baby.   I knew part of the problem was also low blood sugar and that she needed to eat.  I gave both girls lunch that I had packed but they were complaining about it.  My patience was slowly running out.  To make things more difficult, the baby was not nursing well because she was so distracted by the commotion that her sisters were creating.

Eventually I strapped the baby into her car seat, made sure the other two were strapped in also, and started the long trek home.   The two big girls were still not in good spirits and were not listening well.  I began to lose it.  I could feel my muscles tighten, my teeth clenching, my entire body responding in a negative way. What started out as frustration at them for their behavior grew into full-blown anger.  I started to yell at both of them to eat.  I yelled at them for their behavior at the farm.  I yelled at them for not listening to me. . .  Cara threw some food and I had to stop the car and clean up the mess.  I yelled some more because of that incident.  I definitely was not winning any mommy awards for patience and grace.

The children stayed quiet for a while in the car after that.  I think they recognized that I was in the red zone.  The silence gave me an opportunity to calm down.  Once the anger clouds cleared, I regretted my behavior.  What kind of example did I just set for my children?  Sure, they were not obeying and they were definitely displaying some bad behavior, but it was nothing new.  And they are children after all.  If anything, I was greatly to blame for not handling the situation better.  I should have left right after the apple picking instead of staying to play so we could have ended on a good note.  I should have made sure to give them a better snack and insisted on a break before they got too hungry and tired. . . Too much fun, overexertion, heat, hunger and thirst were recipes for disaster.

The little voice inside of me reminded me of the verse above and I felt so convicted.  In my anger I had given the devil a foothold in my heart and mind and I acted like a crazed mommy who lost control.   I felt awful and I was humbled.  I prayed for guidance in how to make things right again.  That's when I said to my girls, "I am sorry that I was yelling and that I got angry and lost my temper.  I love you very much.  Will you forgive me?"  Arianna responded, "I forgive you, Mommy!"   Cara said, "I love you, mommy!"  And my heart leaped.  My sweet, sweet girls!  How I do love them!  When we finally got home, I hugged each of them tight and whispered again how much I loved them and that I was sorry for my behavior.   I told them that although their behavior wasn't great, my behavior was worse.  We made a pack to each promise to try and do better.   For now the peace is restored.  The children are resilient and playing as though nothing ever even happened.  I learn so much from them.

I don't know if you've ever been in a similar situation when anger takes over and you say and do things you would not otherwise.  It's best not to let the anger make you lose your footing.  It's best not to give the devil an opportunity to make you stumble.  But thankfully, when we are rooted in the Word and when we have a strong foothold in Christ, we need not fear the times when we stumble.  God can use everything for his glory and turn even the worse situations into a growth experience for us.  That's what happened today for my girls and I.  They saw again how their mommy is human, flawed and imperfect.  I was reminded to check my own behavior as I set an example for my children.  And we all learned about forgiveness, mercy, and grace.

Reassurance

Cara generally is my mild, easy child.  But this week I have had several challenging moments with her.  It's probably due to a combination of illness, tiredness, and the fact that she is approaching three years old in just a few weeks.  Aside from the anecdotal evidence that all children seem to go through a difficult period at the half year and the full year mark, I remember three years old being a very difficult age with Arianna.  People talk a lot about the terrible twos, but in my opinion it should be the terrible threes.  That is the year that children really start to develop attitude.  

For example, I asked Cara, "You are being rather fussy today. What's the matter?"  She says with a scowl on her face, with arms crossed, and feet stomping, "I am not fussing.  I am grumpy!"  It took all of my effort not to smile and laugh at her -- she was so cute.   Smiling and laughing at her probably would have made things worse since she was already in a mood.   She has been getting into these moods much more frequently this week.  She will pout, scowl, stomp her feet, and sulk whenever she doesn't get her way or if I correct her on something that she doesn't like.  In addition she will say, "I don't like you, Mommy," or "I don't love you."  Today she even said, "I only love Daddy, not you anymore!"  I know she doesn't mean it and is only saying these things out of anger or frustration, but it still stings a little.  Arianna usually is my more challenging child, but she has never said such hurtful things.  Arianna's tantrums tend be very loud, very intense, and they last a very long time.  However, during them she still always wants to be in our presence.  She gets more upset if we send her to her room.  Cara, on the other hand, has less volatile tantrums and will sometimes voluntarily put herself in time-out.  However, she often says negative things and she always pushes us away by saying, "I don't want you.  Leave me alone."  I say to her, "Even though you say you do not like or love me,  I still love you very much and will always love you."  Sometimes that reassurance is all that she needs and she will come and let me hug her.  Other times if she is deep into her mood I have to leave her alone for a while before she is willing to come to me for a reassuring hug.

God is our father and we are his children.  And like Cara, when we don't get what we want from Him we often pout, stomp our feet, or even have a full blown "tantrum" where we rave against God.  We pray for a new house, a new car, for a relationship to develop into something more, for our parents to get back together and not get a divorce, for miraculous healing, for a certain trial to end. . .   We think sometimes God doesn't answer our prayers, when in fact his answer may simply be "No" or "No, not yet."  That kind of answer does not make us happy.  We always want what we want and we want it now -- just like a toddler.  We get angry and frustrated with God.  We might even start to question Him and doubt Him, essentially saying to ourselves, "I don't like you, God.  I don't love you right now."  And when God tries to pour his love and truth into us, we might say, "No, leave me alone, I don't want you right now."  But, just like with Cara, that's not what we really want.  We want reassurance.  We want to feel God's reassuring presence in our lives even when we are acting out against him.  He is there always, ready and waiting, until we are willing to come to him.

We need not doubt God's love for us.  He will not leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  He loved us so much he sent his one and only son, Jesus, to die on our behalf so that we may have eternal life (John 3:16).  And Jesus loved us so much that he faced his death knowingly.  When everyone lashed out in hatred towards Him, nailing him onto the cross, piercing him, killing him, Jesus prayed on our behalf, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34)."  If you are reading this and have never trusted Jesus in a real and personal way, I pray that you will take a step in faith.  He is the only reassurance we need of God's everlasting love.   

Staying calm during the storm

I have a family member who is in trouble because she is turning to maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with depression and emotional pain.  I can understand where she is coming from and what drives her to harm herself and use substances.  I have been there.  I suffered from severe depression as a teenager and young adult.  And because I understand, I am trying as much as possible to be there for her.  I am trying to be a listening ear.  I am trying to be her advocate.  But sometimes I don't know how best to help.

I have been praying hard for wisdom and discernment about this situation.  I have been praying for the family as a whole to gain wisdom and come together in our attempt to help.  Unfortunately, in talking to a family member today about the situation, I became frustrated and lost my temper.  I was frustrated that this person did not understand what I was trying to say.  We disagreed on the root cause of the situation and best treatment approach.  We both hung up the phone angry.

I was on the way to pick up my oldest daughter from VBS after this conversation.  I prayed silently the whole way there:  "Lord, please show me the way.  What should I do?  How can I best help?  How can I get the rest of the family to understand the emotional side of things?  Please give me wisdom.  Please give them wisdom.  Let us be able to intervene the way you want us to."

When I got home I put the two younger ones down for a nap and I started to gather up some papers from the table.  I noticed my daughter's homework assignment from Sunday school yesterday.  The theme had been calmness in the face of the storm.  Jesus was always calm during the storm.  He was sleeping until the disciples woke him up because of their fear. Jesus rebuked them and proceeded to calm the storm.  My daughter's bible memory verse was, "A wise person stays calm (Proverbs 12:16)."

Ok, Lord.  I get it.  I lost it earlier.  I was not calm.  Silent doubt and fear crept into my heart as I despaired about the situation and felt so frustrated and powerless to do anything.   In losing my temper and failing to be calm, I probably hurt my cause more than I helped.  By raising my voice I caused the person I was talking to feel defensive.  Defensiveness makes it hard to come to any type of understanding.  God's answer to my prayers for wisdom today was to remind me to remain calm and to know that he is in control.   Keep praying, keep trusting, and know that in the midst of the storm, Jesus is always there.  There is a good purpose for this family crisis right now even if we cannot see it.  All of us may have varying opinions on the situation and what needs to be done, but we all must remain calm to discuss it and trust that God will guide us to the right answer.

Interestingly enough, after writing the above, another family member called me to talk about the situation.  A part of me feared another confrontation and another round of defensiveness.  But surprisingly it was a very good and open discussion.  The difference was that although we voiced some differences of opinion, we did so calmly.  Surprisingly, we found out that we agreed on a lot more points than we thought, and ultimately we agreed in the general assessment and approach we should take to help from here on out.

So, if you are going through a "storm" right now -- whatever it is.  Trust in the calm that only Jesus can bring to the situation, as I was reminded of today.  Do not be afraid for He is more powerful than even the strongest of storms.

Stage Fright

It has been months since I have written.  Uninterrupted time is hard to come by these days with three kids.  I get moments of silence when the older ones are playing nicely or when the baby is napping. . .  But managing three different sets of needs and schedules is BUSY!  Granted, I often waste these precious moments of free time on Facebook or Pinterest instead of being productive, but I am going on a tangent again. . .  For those who actually read my blog/ journal -- I apologize for not writing more often.  I have been busy, but more than that, the circumstances of daily life have been overwhelming me and by the end of the day I have been feeling drained.   I realize I have not been in the Word as much as in the past.  As a result perhaps I have been lacking inspiration to write -- until today.

Cara, my almost 3 year old daughter, loves everything princess and ballerina.  Today she had her ballet performance to end a great week of Princess Ballerina Camp.  She enjoyed this week immensely and would come home each day and tell me all that she did and show me her dance moves.  This afternoon our family (along with grandparents and aunt) gathered at the dance studio.  We saw her sitting and smiling broadly with her tiara on her head, princess wand in her hand, ballet slippers and tutu on -- patiently waiting for the cue from her instructors to start the performance.  Once it started she was doing well twirling, waltzing, doing plies. . .  But then I think the clapping and the "oooos and awwws" from the spectators combined with tiredness started to take a toll.  We saw our little ballerina go from smiles to a downcast, grumpy look until she refused to participate at all and curled in my lap for the remainder of the performance hiding her head. Her first experience with stage fright.

I found  myself thinking about stage fright and performance anxiety.  We've all been there and some may still experience it from time to time.  Maybe, like Cara, the stage fright has to do with dancing or theatrical performances.  Maybe it's sports related.  While watching the Olympics this week I am amazed at how brilliantly the athletes perform under so much stress and scrutiny -- with people all over the world watching them.  Maybe the anxiety is related to public speaking at school or at work.  All these types of "stage fright" are easy to identify and relate to.  However there are many subtle everyday instances of anxiety and fright that often go unnoticed.  They occur on invisible "stages" or arenas such as our homes and in our hearts and minds.  How often do we shy away from things that we love, enjoy, or believe in because we fear what others may think of us?  How often do we shut down in mind, body, heart, and spirit in the face of eyes scrutinizing us or watching us? 

The company Chick Fil A is being attacked for voicing their belief in biblical marriage as being between a man and a woman and supporting these beliefs by monetarily supporting anti-gay marriage legislation.  They are experiencing extreme criticism and backlash as a result.  Facebook and other social media sources are exploding with people voicing their opinions on both sides of this issue.  However, it struck me today how there are even more people who are NOT expressing their opinion.  In a country of free speech and expression, so many people are not sharing their opinions and thoughts, not even with close friends and family.  Why?  My conclusion:  stage fright.  All too often we fear what others will think of us, especially on controversial issues such as this.  

I wasn't planning to declare my beliefs about the Chick Fil A issue to the general public, let alone on Facebook and on this blog, but I could not shake the feeling that I needed to.  A voice in the back of my head kept nudging relentlessly until I started to type.  By nature I am not a brave person, but I do believe that God was prompting me to declare my beliefs for a purpose and I knew I had to obey.  When a record breaking number of people dined at Chick Fil A on Wednesday to show their support for the company, I was among them.  I could not help but wonder how many of these people will actually admit to friends and family that they were there?  So many Christians I think are subjected to stage fright.  The Christian way is not very popular so I can sympathize.  I have been there and still sometimes am not bold enough to declare my faith when I should.  

I believe in God.  I believe in Jesus.  I believe in the Bible as God's Word.  And I believe in the biblical definition of marriage as between a man and a woman.  However, I also believe that we are all sinners and have no right to judge each other's lives.  Only God has the right to judge and we will all stand before him one day.  I believe too much hate has been displayed on both sides of this Chick Fil A issue.  The most harmful would be from so-called Christians who are not showing love.  God is Love.  He loved us so much he sent his son, Jesus, to die for us on the cross.  So yes, don't give in to stage fright.  Express your beliefs and faith and do not shy away from them, whatever they are.  Do not be afraid.  There is no stage that God does not oversee.  However, do so with love and compassion, as He instructs us to do.  We are called to love one another despite race, ethnicity, beliefs, lifestyle, or the choices we make.  I have many friends and family who do not share the same beliefs and opinions that I do, but I love them all regardless, as God also loves us all.