Seeing their good qualities

Recently someone made a comment to me:  "It's so nice to see you enjoying her (referring to my baby, Evelyn)."  That comment struck a cord with me because it was followed later by a comment about how it seemed I was unhappy most of the time.  This talk made me realize that I had been complaining too much and my complaining was obviously making some people think I was unhappy and NOT enjoying my children.  Goodness, that means I need to stop complaining because of course I am NOT unhappy!  There are trying moments but overall I am happy and content, and I would not significantly change my life or the choices I have made thus far.  I love being a mother (however difficult it is at times) and I love being a wife (although sometimes I am so preoccupied being a mother I forget I am a wife and spare little time for my husband or our marriage). 

I write a lot about the trials that I go through, big and small, and the lessons that I learn from them.  I believe that most of my spiritual growth occurs in the trenches of daily life.  The trenches for me include times when I'm overwhelmed by parenting duties; when my kids are misbehaving; when my kids are disobeying me; when my husband and I fight; and when I struggle to balance the constant demands and responsibilities on my plate. . . These are the moments when my self-reliance, efforts, and pride prove insufficient -- instead His grace is more than enough.  It is in the trenches that I learn to die unto myself, giving up my selfish ways and attitudes, learning to become more of the person He wants me to be.  It is during trials when I learn to lean wholeheartedly on God.  So although I write mostly about these times, I want you to know that I also enjoy many wonderful, joyful, and beautiful moments with my children.  

I don't always share them here, but I do keep a journal for my children with quotes and daily recordings of things that they do and experiences that we get to share as a family.  Someday I plan to give them to my three princesses as a gift.  Someday when they are grown and perhaps have families of their own they might read my words and cherish them and know how much I love them.  Perhaps someday they will cry, laugh, and maybe even gain some wisdom from my ramblings. . .  Until then, despite the challenges I sometimes face being their mother, I am thankful for the precious moments I have with them.  I am thankful for how God gave me three beautiful little princesses, each specifically knit together in my womb, and given to me as a gift.  God chose me to be their mother for reasons I do not fully understand.  In the meantime, it is my primary task to raise them to be Godly women to the best of my ability, trusting that He will fill in where I am lacking.  And if I am to succeed in doing this, I realize that I have to stop focusing on their misbehavior and disobedience, and moments when they drive me almost insane.  I read a blog entry recently that convicted me about this:  http://impressyourkids.org/self-parenting-and-seeing-jesus-in-our-kids/.  In it the author writes:  

I want to SEE—SEE Jesus in the faces of my kids. Not just Jesus shining through them. Not just his attitudes and desires as their own. But I want to see them as the image of God and not just a child disobeying. I want to see them as souls designed to connect with their Creator and not as a pesky preschooler.

This challenged me. I can easily tell you the behaviors that I do not like in my children, but today I want to write about the qualities that I love about them and am thankful for.

This is Arianna, my 5 year old.  She is amazing.  She is petite and dainty with dark brown hair that catches the sun glinting red, and she has these large brown eyes that are so expressive and deep.   She is bright and inquisitive and very spirited. She takes after her father and has a great grasp of logic and reasoning. I sometimes say she is my little lawyer. She will debate and argue her point persistently. This can be trying at times for me as a parent, but I know this will be an asset to her when she is older. Her intellect is balanced by a good sense of imagination and creativity. She comes up with wonderful games and play to entertain her younger sister.  Arianna has great confidence and a good sense of who she is and what is right and wrong (even if she doesn't follow it always).  In many ways she seems a lot older than she really is because she is very verbal and articulate.  She was advanced and early in hitting her developmental milestones (and I am not just saying that as a biased mother).  She walked when she was 9 months old and ran by 10 months old and talking well before 2 years old.  Being such an early walker, her gross motor skills are great making her very agile and athletic.  She is also daring and adventurous when it comes to climbing, jumping, and physical feats.  Arianna is an extrovert and gets her energy from being around people and interacting with others.  She loves to talk.  She is also very mothering, like a little mother hen.  She takes very good care of her two younger sisters, taking them potty, brushing teeth, reading books, and getting diapers, and rocking them.  She has a wonderful servant's heart and I am thankful she is such a great mother's helper.  But most of all, I am thankful that at a mere 5 years old, Arianna already seems to have accepted Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior and nurtures a relationship with him where she will pray to him when scared or upset.  She also seems to have a grasp of the fundamentals of Christianity and faith.  Praise the Lord!

This is Cara, my 2.5 year old.  She is absolutely darling.  She is tall, taking after her father's side of the family.  Her hair and complexion are the lightest of my three girls.  Her hair is always a bit unruly, not wanting to lay straight, curling in here and there, adding to her adorable personality.  I always say that she smiles with her eyes because they literally sparkle when she laughs and smiles.  She is generally mild, quiet-tempered, and soft-spoken in comparison to her sister.  By nature she seems more of an introvert.  She is often content sitting and reading, drawing, or watching TV, but she also delights in playing the games that big sister comes up with.  Yet after being in the company of big sister or other playmates for too long, she always desires her own personal space. She generally is more cautious in nature, seeming to assess risk before she delves into things.  She definitely is a girly girl and adores everything "princess."  She always likes to wear pretty, frilly dresses or skirts rather than jeans and pants.  She loves to play dress-up and has a rainbow tutu that she wears almost every day along with butterfly/ fairy wings.  She likes to dance ballet and twirl all around the house.  She LOVES the color purple, almost to obsession.  She always picks the purple crayon or marker, the purple shoes, and purple dress (unfortunately being a 2nd child she has lots of hand-me downs from big sister that are mostly pink).  Cara also seems very attuned to the feelings of others and seems to be a sensitive soul while being a bit sassy at the same time.  She has a wonderful imagination and sense of humor that is only starting to unfold and it's wonderful to witness.                                           

Last but not least, this is Evelyn.  She is only one month old -- how time flies already!  She is adorable and we are so in love! It is still too early to know what her personality will be like, but for now I am thankful for her nursing better and sleeping better. I am thankful for her precious baby smiles and coos that make waking up in the middle of the night worth it. I love her soft hair and smooth skin and the sweet baby scent that can't adequately be described.

Lord, thank you for my precious angels.  Thank you that today I could take a moment to savor their wonderful qualities and what wonderful gifts they are to me.  Help me even in the midst of their misbehavior and disobedience to remember to view them through your eyes, Lord.  Thank you for letting me be their mother.  Please guide me in wisdom and discernment as I parent them.  Amen. 

I Will Never Let You Go

Today started out a great day.  I had decent sleep last night.  Breakfast went well enough.  Carpool to preschool went well.  The two youngest and I then ran errands and by chance got to see the Discovery Space Shuttle flying around, preparing to land at the airport.  Amazing sight!

Things quickly unraveled when we parked in front of the house.  For some reason Cara did not want to get out of the car.  Then she wanted me to carry her into the house but already my hands were full with bags.  I told her to quickly go into the house so that I could get the baby out of the car.  "NO!"   she adamantly exclaimed.  "I don't want to!"  I could hear the baby crying in the car, so I dropped the bags in the house, picked Cara up, plopped her inside, then ran back outside to grab the baby.  We got inside and Cara starts throwing a fit!  I put the baby down since she had fallen back asleep and prepared for battle.

Cara kept screaming, sprawling on the ground.  At first I ignored her to see if she would calm down on her own.  She kept crying.  So then I try to approach her and held out my arms to see if she would come to me for comfort.  She didn't want that either, and instead screamed "No!" even louder.  I tried bribes for ice cream, candy, treats. . .none worked.  I then tried the threat of negative consequences if she didn't calm down and obey.  That didn't seem to work either.  I realized that this tantrum had gotten completely out of control.  I realized that she was in what we call the "red zone," meaning that she was too worked up to calm herself down.  She needed help.

Overall, Cara has been our easier and milder child compared to Arianna, our oldest.  However, Cara also has a stubborn, strong-willed side to her that occasionally comes out in moments like this.  We've been seeing it more and more the past couple of months since she turned 2.5 years old.  This  coincided with bedrest for me with the difficult pregnancy and then the birth of Evelyn.  I am sure there are so many emotions that she is experiencing and can not express.  Change and transitions are hard for adults, let alone young children.  Although she dotes on the baby and loves to hold her, the baby's arrival meant Cara's world sort of turned upside down.  She was no longer the baby of the family.  Suddenly more was expected of her.  Mom and Dad didn't have much time anymore and probably both are more short-tempered than usual due to overall lack of sleep.  So this tantrum I realized, was triggered by something that happened between car and home. . maybe tiredness, maybe hunger. .  but triggers aside, the tantrum was compounded by all the other emotions that have been bottled up in that little heart of hers.  She was overloaded and didn't have the appropriate resources to deal with it all.  So I picked her up and held her.

I held on tight, not letting go, even while she hit, kicked, squirmed, and scratched me.  I have some bruises and scratches to prove it!  Cara kept screaming and crying, "Let me go! I don't want you! Leave me alone!"  She is strong and I had to use all of my strength to hold her and rock her while she shoved at me with all her strength.  I shhhhhhhed her and kept saying, "I will not let go.  I love you.  I am your mommy and I will not let go.  I won't let you keep doing this behavior that can hurt you.  You need to calm down and I will help you.  I love you.  You can fight me all you want, but I will only hold on tighter.  I am your mommy."   Eventually she stopped fighting me and I was able to loosen my hold and we cuddled for a bit.  But then the baby started to wake up and cry because she was hungry.  Cara didn't want me to leave her side to get the baby, so she started to cry again, "Mommy!  Don't leave me!  I want you to hold me!"  I had to explain to her that I would never leave her, but I did have to help the baby also because she also needed me.  She was not happy about this, but was calm enough now that I was able to suggest a nap, took her upstairs, kissed her, tucked her in, and left her to rest.  I then went downstairs to nurse the baby who had also been crying.

It took an hour from the start of the tantrum to the end.  I know because I noted the time on the clock.  In that hour, especially while I was holding her, I kept praying.  I prayed for wisdom to know what to do to comfort her.  I prayed that she would hear my words and know I loved her.  I prayed also for personal strength and patience.  I prayed for my will to be strong enough to curb her strong will. As I was telling Cara, "I will not leave you.. ."  I kept also hearing a voice that was telling me, "I will never leave you nor will I forsake you (Joshua 1:5; Hebrews 13:5)."  I knew that in that moment God was also teaching me a lesson.  I will admit I have been experiencing some postpartum blues.  Here the Lord was using a situation with my daughter to remind me of his love for me and his promise for me.  The Lord is my heavenly father and he would never leave me.  I realized that as much as I might struggle and fight against his love sometimes, as Cara was doing to me in frustration and emotional upset, He would not let me go.  He would hold on all that much stronger, so that when I finally realized and accepted His comfort and love again, I would feel safe and secure in it.

I encourage you today, if you are reading this, to know that God loves you unconditionally.  Even if you are angry, frustrated, and upset with Him, accusing him and mistrusting him, fighting against him with all your might, He is there.  He won't abandon you.  He has your best interests in mind.  He will hold on and pour love into you until you feel it -- just let him.  Let go of your defenses and let Him give you His sufficient grace.  All of this free as long as we accept His gift to us, His son, Jesus.





 

Sufficient strength for "those" days

It has been one of "those" days.  It all starts with sleep deprivation.  The baby was up and fussy last night (we think due to gas).  She was up from 3:00ish to 6:00ish.  Nothing I did seemed to make her happy.  When she finally fell asleep, I tried to do the same.  As I was finally drifting off I heard the other bedroom door open and my two older daughters talking and giggling. . . It was 7:15 AM.  My husband had to go to work and I had to get into gear for a long day with my girls.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my new baby girl and I know this phase will pass and things will get better.  Yet, at present, I'm walking around most days like a zombie.  I am absent minded, slow, impatient, irritable, and emotional.  I'm in survival mode.  Granted, in some ways the adjustment from two children to three has been easier than I thought, and by the grace of God I somehow made it through the first week alone with them well enough.  Today was the start of week two on my own, and unfortunately we are off to a rocky start.  Let me give you a run-down of how my day went:

Breakfast went ok enough because I just gave them PediSure shakes to drink and fruit.  It's packed with calories and easy.  My girls are picky eaters, my oldest especially.  My second actually eats decent overall but has been in a picky phase lately.   This morning I just did not have the patience to cook a breakfast and have them sit forever.  I didn't even have time to eat something myself yet when the baby started crying, needing to be fed.  I go sit in the living room to nurse.  The girls turn on the TV and a part of me starts feeling guilty for letting them watch so much television.  Quickly, I then tell myself, it's ok because even though it's on all day, they don't sit glued to it like some kids.  True enough, within minutes they start bouncing and running around playing.  The baby is still nursing but not well, she keeps breaking latch and then I have to latch her back on.  It is very frustrating.  She reminds me of my oldest who was very finicky. . . My second was a champion nursing infant.  Suddenly shrieking and crying from the kitchen.  I wait and it continues.  "No sissy!  That's mine!"  "No, it's mine!"  More crying.  I feel my shoulders tense up.  I pray, "Lord, give me patience and strength!"  Do I put the baby down and go check on them or do I sit and keep nursing?  I decide to keep nursing because the baby afterall is already fussing and hungry but keeps breaking latch.  So I yell, "What is going on in there?"  Both start telling me between shrieks their side of the story.  I yell for them to come out to the living room.  I have to resort to counting. . . 1. . . 2. . . 3. . . They come but are not happy.  We resolve the issue for the moment.  They resume happy playing. 

Finally the baby is done nursing and for the moment seems to be asleep again.  I realize I'm still in my nightgown and have not yet showered or brushed my teeth.  Eating can wait. . . I take the baby upstairs and put her in her bassinet/ co-sleeper by my bed.  I make the girls come upstairs also and stay on my bed watching TV while I shower with the bathroom door open.  I put the oldest in charge -- she likes that.  I take a quick 5 minute shower and get dressed.  The girls are fighting again. . . Baby dosn't seem all that happy either because her older sisters were doting on her and disturbing her sleep.   I decide we need a change of scenery.  I suggest a walk.  Everyone agrees.  It still takes us a while to get out the door.  Have to take everyone potty, put on shoes, put on jackets. . .

It's a beautiful day but a bit chilly.  I put the baby in the bjorn carrier and make the girls walk to burn off energy instead of taking the stroller.  We take a longer walk than usual.  We look for geese at the creek, squirrels, birds.  Things are looking up.  Then the two year old trips and falls.  Crying.  I pray another quick prayer, "Lord please let her be ok because I can't carry her and the baby all the way back home!"  Thankfully she is ok.  We continue to walk but by now they are both starting to drag their feet and the five year old is complaining her feet hurt.  We head home.  I'm feeling a little more sore myself and I realize that the long walk started my bleeding again.  It's only been 3 weeks since birth.  My body is still healing. 

Inside the TV is turned on again.  The girls want a snack and drinks.  Then they are running around and playing again.  I am feeding the baby again.  She spits up everywhere.  Change her into a new outfit.  Change her diaper.  Then change it again.  Then more shrieking and crying and fighting from the two older girls.  More yelling from me.  Another prayer, "Lord, give me patience and strength!"  I know they are bored.  A whole week home on spring break with no school and no activities means lots of restlessness.  

I realize it's lunchtime.  I realize I haven't had much to eat all morning and I hadn't been drinking much water so was feeling alittle dehydrated.  Nursing does that to me.  Ok, what to feed the kids?  Put baby down since she's asleep.  Give the girls yogurt and fruit and milk.  Urgh, baby's up again.  Wet diaper.  Change.  She's rooting again hungry because she didn't nurse well previous session.   At least now she's nursing pretty decent.  Good this means she'll nap longer.  The girls still not done with lunch.  They are playing and distracted.  More yelling, "Hurry up and finish your lunch!  Mommy can't help you because I'm feeding the baby!"  Finally lunch is over.  Baby peacefully asleep in the swing.  Take 2 year old up to her room for naptime.  She seems tired.  Good maybe I'll be able to nap myself, but wait, need to eat first.  Heat up some leftover pizza.  5 year old pleading for me to play with her.  Mommy guilt.  "Lord, please, patience and strength!"  I play with her a little while then say that mommy needs to rest.  I lay down on the couch, she watches TV.  I tell her to come cuddle with me and she does for a minute. . . I doze in and out.  I hear her go the bathroom and turn on the water. . . She comes out with her water squirter.  I watch as she stands in front of the TV and dumps out the water onto the floor.  I sit up.  "What do you think you are doing?  You know better!  Go get towels to clean it up!"  She does.  I lay down again.  I hear a crashing sound.  She is sitting on top of a plastic container of toys and knocking over other toys in the process.  "Lord give me patience and strength!"  I know she is restless and she is my child who constantly needs to move and be active.  Quiet time is always hard for her.  The door bell rings.  It's the little girl next door asking if my daughter can come out and play.  YAY!  Excitement.  I make sure it's ok with my neighbor who is outside.  He says yes.  I tell my daughter she has to first clean up, put on shoes, then go to potty before going outside.  She throws a little fit, stomps her feet and pouts saying she doesn't want to.   "You do not talk to mommy like that, missy!  And it's your choice.  Do as I ask or don't go outside"  She apologizes and obeys.  I let her go outside -- yay break for me too!  No wait, 2 year old is up.  Take her potty than give her snack.  She wants to go outside.  I say no, not yet.  Baby is up and wants to feed again.  Nursing her then door bell rings again. 

It's a mom from the Moms Club bringing me a meal.  Oh bless her!  We haven't met before so we start chatting to get acquainted.  She suddenly says, "I think the baby spit up."  I look at baby in my arms and don't see anything.  The mom points to the floor.  I look down.  I see bright yellow/ orange.  I think that doesn't look like spit up.  I realize, Oh, it's poo.  Nursing babies have bright yellow poo.  Somehow it leaked out of her diapers and pants onto the floor.  Oh, and seems some got on my pants as well.  I put baby in the changing tray on the pack and play.  Clean up the floor and my pants.  Change and clean up baby. . . The mom leaves.   I then take the baby and 2 year old and go outside for a few minutes to check on oldest daughter.  She is having a blast playing with her friends.  I get to chat with my neighbor who also just had a baby.  I keep yawning.  I can't help it.  I'm just so tired!

We go back inside.  I realize I have to bake the potpie the mom brought and it takes an hour and half.  Plus the girls won't eat it.  So I decide to just heat up chicken nuggets for their dinner.  Put pie in the oven for my husband and I.  Girls finish dinner after a while. . .  I nurse the baby again.  5 year old takes red crayon and draws on the table.  "Lord, patience and strength, please!"  "Why did you do that?"  "I don't know. . . "  I realize she is trying to get attention.  I make her clean it up.  She scrubs it off -- thank goodness for washable crayons.  I look at clock and count down til husband comes home and bedtime. . . Girls fighting yet again over same toys!   Ok, need change of scenery.  Everyone upstairs to mommy's room.  Baby crying because she wants to sleep again.  Girls jumping on the bed giggling and playing.  "Please be careful!"  Baby zonks out and I put her down.  I sit on the bed with the girls and I hug them.  They giggle and play under the covers.  I realize time is so fleeting.  They are only this little for so long.  Soon they will be too big to jump on the bed and play under the covers.  I realize, ok, so it hasn't been a great day and I am exhausted, but gosh, I love them!   We hear the front door open.  Yay, daddy is home!  Reinforcements!!!!

"Lord, thank you so much for sufficient strength to make it through the day!"  I know I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own, or at the very least not as well.  I would have probably let my anger and frustration control me and exploded at my girls or broken down crying.  But with His help, I maintained control.  God does not promise that we will always have happy, wonderful, great days.  In fact, the bible is clear that we will experience troubles in our lifetime.  He will use daily circumstances to test our faith, prepare us, and mold us so that we have more Godly character.  We may not know his plans for us but we know they are plans for good.  But we can be encouraged knowing that His grace and strength are always sufficient to carry us through even the more difficult of days.  We just have to learn to seek His strength daily -- moment to moment! 

When you are weary and in need of sufficient strength, I encourage you to remind yourself of scriptures passages such as these:

Psalm 105:4Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

 

   

The truth about Easter

I scrambled the other day to go to the store and buy Easter items.  Like so many other parents, there I was at Target gathering the cute little knick-knacks and candy to fill our children's baskets.  Why?  Because we are so bombarded with commercial images of what Easter should look like.  The truth is none of that matters.  Easter is not about commercial items.  There is nothing wrong with Easter baskets.  It is a fun tradition and we do it in our family.  However, the focus of Easter should not be these material things.  I tell my girls that Easter is not about the baskets, it's about God's son, Jesus.  I tell them that Easter isn't about the Easter bunny --  the Easter bunny is only Jesus' helper, bringing us gifts so that we remember that Jesus gave his life for us and gave us the gift of eternal life.  I tell them, Easter is not about the fun egg hunts --  it is about searching our hearts and making room for Jesus, worshiping him and praising his name.

I look at the faces of my sweet children and I am overcome with love for them. Sure, they try my patience often, but this time I have with them is so fleeting. They grow up so fast. Already my baby is going to be 3 weeks old. My oldest is 5 years old. I want to enjoy this time with them but most of all I want to make this time with them count for something more. I want to make sure I equip them for the future not just in knowledge but in spiritual fortitude. Growing up I felt so lost and unloved and unappreciated. I did not know my Lord and Savior. I want to spare my children that heartache and darkness. I pray that they will know Jesus at a tender age. I want my children to grow up loving Him. I want them to understand the true meaning of Easter and that it is not just a holiday to be celebrated once a year.  Easter bunnies and egg hunts aside, what Jesus did for us on the cross and his resurrection should be celebrated each and every day. 

Given the birth of our new little princess I admit we have not done as much leading up to Easter as I had hoped or planned.  I had all these great ideas about teaching them valuable spiritual truths through fun exercises and activities (e.g., teaching about servant-hood by washing each other's feet on Maudy Thursday, etc.). . . Needless to say, most of these grand ideas did not happen.  At the very least we are reading them the Easter story and using Resurrection eggs to help tell the story.  You can also make your own and can find instructions on how to make them online.  I did this one year but have since misplaced them.  So this year we decided to just buy them at a local Christian book store.  The girls love to open up each egg and see the little "toys" inside that illustrate the events leading up to Christ's death and resurrection. We also enjoy making Resurrection rolls. Essentially this is just taking crescent rolls and putting a marshmallow inside each to represent Jesus (the rolls represent the tomb). After baking them, the marshmallow disappears and the kids are always amazed. We then talk about how Jesus disappeared from the tomb because he rose from the dead. 

Please don't let Easter pass without casting your eyes upon the cross and reflecting and accepting the gift that Jesus gave us on the cross.  In death he gave us life.  More than that, Easter is the day that Jesus rose conquering death.  Alive, He gives us hope and a relationship with a living savior.  Easter is a day for rejoicing!!!  He is risen! He will return to us again one day -- perhaps not in our lifetime, but maybe in the lifetime of our children or grandchildren.  Let's make sure to teach them the truth about Easter.