I had a conversation with a mommy friend today about "mom-guilt." What is mom guilt? It's when we mothers feel like we are bad mothers. We feel like mean mothers -- especially when we have to discipline our children. We feel as though we have failed our children in some form or fashion. We don't have them in the right schools; we don't spend enough time teaching them; we let them watch too much TV; we feed them too much junk food and not enough healthy food... We feel that we don't measure up to other mothers or our own expectations of what mothers should be. We feel like we do everything wrong and are just not cut out to be mothers. We just feel guilty about feeling clueless sometimes. Mom guilt feeds and fuels more mom-guilt. . . It's a vicious cycle.
If you are a mom and you have never felt this way -- well then you are abnormal (just kidding, but gosh, I'm envious! Do tell me your secret!). The reality is that I think most of us "normal" moms feel this way at some point or another. Some moms, myself included, have probably felt this type of guilt more often than not. Why? Are we really as bad as we think we are? Let's weigh the evidence shall we? Are we abusing our kids or neglecting their basic needs and rights? Unfortunately, in this broken world there are many cases of child abuse and neglect. . . If you are reading this and recognize that this is you, then please, please, I pray you seek help! There are so many resources available. Contact me privately if you need help finding some. I trust, however, that most of you reading this do not fall into that category. I trust that most of you really don't abuse your kids. You might do the occasional spanking, time out, or other consequence, but that is not the same as abuse. Are your kids happy? Are they well fed and well clothed? Are their basic needs met? Do your kids know that you love them? If you have answered yes, then I'd say you are a good mom. There are no perfect moms, but there are a lot of good moms out there. We all look different. We talk different. We all have different parenting approaches that involve different opinions on sleep, eating, potty training, breastfeeding, schooling, extra-curricular activities, religion, and discipline. Yet, we all have one thing in common: we love our kids and we are trying our best to raise great kids who will turn into great adults.
So if we weigh the evidence and find that we truly are NOT horrible mothers, then why the strong mom guilt? What I have come to realize this year from talking to older women wiser than myself, is that as mothers, we are on the frontlines of spiritual warfare. What this means is that we have an enemy who wants to undermine our efforts as mothers. He wants to shake us up and make us doubt ourselves because we are mothers and primary care-givers responsible for raising an entire next generation. We are raising a generation of people who will ultimately make the choice to honor and love God -- or not. If we lean on God and parent as best as we can with His help, seeking His wisdom, and praying that He will fill in the gaps and cover over our mistakes, I believe we will more than likely raise an entire generation of leaders who can make this world a better place and can truly make an impact for His glory. We can raise a generation of people who follow Christ and choose Him over all else. How amazing would that be?
Obviously Satan, our enemy, doesn't want this. Satan's tactic is the same as in the beginning when he tempted Eve with the forbidden fruit. He twists the truth, makes us believe the lies, and makes us doubt ourselves and God. Satan wants us to doubt so that we fumble and seek to parent completely by our own efforts. That is when true failure happens. When we rely on ourselves and not on God, we allow the enemy to cross into our homes and into our hearts. We become fearful and we become distrusting of God and our children will recognize that. Our actions will not coincide with what we teach, and we will look like hypocrites in the eyes of our children. When it is their time to choose God or the self for master, who do you think they will choose? I believe they will struggle with this choice if they have seen us struggle. Satan wants this and delights in this, so he wants mothers to struggle and doubt and feel mom guilt so that we will pass this along to our children.
There is NO condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). So we have to remember that the type of mom guilt we are talking about is not from Christ. It is from our enemy. The Holy Spirit will definitely convict us when we have made mistakes such as losing our tempers with our children; disciplining them too harshly; or neglecting time with them. This type of conviction usually pierces our souls and hearts, but the purpose is not to condemn. Rather it is to motivate towards repentance and change. The Spirit will convict us so that we show more grace or ask for forgiveness when it is due. And this type of conviction will lead to redemption. Trust me. I frequently lose my temper with my children and yell, and I have experienced this type of conviction. It causes me to humble myself before my children and ask them to forgive me. Yet, God can always turn any negative circumstance into good for His glory. These instances when I have seemingly failed as a mother are actually some of the most poignant and memorable teaching moments I have had with my children. We talk about grace and forgiveness, love and obedience, truth and untruth, and the power of God to redeem all things. Satan twists our emotions so that we feel self-condemning guilt and then we feel incapacitated and doubtful. This type of guilt from the enemy will not lead to repentance or change. Instead, it will only fuel more guilt and more doubt. Before you know it, you'll be caught in quicksand.
Yet, take heart, for the power of the gospel is that Christ has already overcome the enemy (1 Corinthians 15:57; John 16:33)! So, I encourage you, if today you are being overcome with mom guilt, please pause and pray. Think about where the source of that guilt is coming from. Most surely it will not be from the Lord. Once you have recognized and identified the source of the mom guilt, you can more readily combat it. Pray that God will help you to put on your full armor:
Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God .
(Ephesians 6:10-17)
I promise you, if you pray for God to help you put on your spiritual armor each day, the mom guilt will lessen. It has for me. I have hope that eventually the mom guilt will completely go away, but for now it comes on every now and then, especially those times I have forgotten to pray to put on my spiritual armor. There will still be many less than perfect parenting moments, and the Spirit will still convict when it happens. The difference is that with your armor on, you'll gain a confidence and peace that only comes from the Lord. The Lord is faithful, and even your mistakes he will turn to good (Romans 8:28) -- you just have to trust him. Let go of the guilt and embrace the promise of hope and redemption.
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