Yesterday I wrote a piece that I think has been my most raw and candid one to date. I wrote of a moment of complete weakness and vulnerability. It happened a couple of weeks ago, and since then I have felt the Spirit urging me to put it down on paper everyday. I kept postponing it. It was excuse after excuse. I would say, "There is no time." The Spirit would say, "Yes there is, if only you would find it." I would respond, "But the kids are in bed. Now I can finally relax." The Spirit would answer, "Write now and then rest in Me later." Everyday it would be this back and forth. I would be in bed drifting off to sleep but the words I was meant to write down would keep churning and churning in my mind. I'd ignore them. . . Until yesterday. . .
If I am to be completely honest with myself and with you, I have to admit that I kept postponing because I was afraid. Not necessarily because I am afraid of what people may think. After all, most of my friends and acquaintances know me enough to know that I love Jesus and I don't shy away from sharing my faith. Most people are also familiar with my testimony, that is, that I used to be depressed and suicidal. So why was I so hesitant to write this time? I think it was because somehow this felt much more vulnerable. It was giving people a glimpse into a moment of my complete brokenness. It was a glimpse into the warfare that rages inside of me. I believe the Apostle Paul describes this the best when he wrote in Romans 7:15-23, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. . . Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am!"
This war within is so real. And I find that as I grow in my faith, the war becomes even more intense. I think that is because as I grow and mature in faith, I am in God's Word more. I know Him more intimately. I grow more in love with my Savior, Jesus. As this love grows, my wants and desires become more closely aligned with what His will is for my life. Yet, there is that sinful nature in me that holds on to the past and fights for dominance and screams all the more loudly to be heard. Overall, by walking and living by the Spirit, the good and light hold mastery over the sin and darkness. But sometimes, as in that moment on the floor sobbing with laundry everywhere around me, the enemy forces temporarily gain favor. What wretchedness!
Yet, there is hope and triumph in Jesus. Whatever your circumstances, whatever the mess is in your life, there is nothing that the Lord can not overcome. The Apostle Paul of all people was shunned and persecuted for his faith and sharing what he believed in. His life was way messier than the mess in my life. From day to day he did not know where he'd sleep; if he'd eat; if he was going to be imprisoned again or killed. In Romans 7:24 Paul says, "Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!" In Romans 8 he continues, "Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of Life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit." Paul's hope was in Jesus. Our hope is in Jesus.
In my moment of weakness, my hope was in Jesus. I was not eloquent in prayer. I could not even begin to describe what was happening or what it was that I needed. But the Lord knew. All I needed to do was call out His name, and that was enough. Because, "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express (Romans 8:26)."
I study and look at the Apostle Paul's life and I am so encouraged. The circumstances of my life are nothing in comparison. I don't know the circumstances of your life. Some of you are probably dealing with a lot more than you ever thought you could handle. Maybe it's the death of a loved one; maybe illness and sickness of your children; maybe a struggling relationship; maybe financial difficulties. . . Whatever it is, I encourage you to take heart in this: With the Lord Jesus, nothing will ever be too much. His grace is truly sufficient to carry us through any crisis or hard times. And his promise is that his power will be perfected in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Think and ponder on that for a moment. . . His POWER is PERFECTED in our WEAKNESS. What does this mean? The second part of 2 Corinthians 12:9 states, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I have wrestled with this statement in the past. It doesn't mean that we should brag or shout for joy about our weak moments. Rather, what I think it means is to be glad that in our weak moments we feel Christ's power. For me, when I am weak, I feel the Lord's strength IN me the MOST. It means that His strength will be what picks me up off the floor, not my own. It means that it will be His hands that embrace me and love me when I am weak and can barely love myself. It means it is okay to be weak sometimes -- it is the nature of being human in this fallen world. Yet, if we allow the Spirit to work in us, our weakest struggling moments can also be our most defining and self-transforming. And, if we obey Him and follow Him, our weakest times can also become powerful testimony for the Lord's work in our lives. How exciting and humbling it is that the Lord can use our broken moments, and the messiest parts of our lives to glorify God?
I don't think I'm particularly eloquent or gifted in writing (or speaking for that matter). And, Lord knows I am not always grammatically correct either. But for reasons beyond me, the Lord pushed me to write a blog. It's nothing fancy as you can see. I am not tech savvy, good at graphic design, marketing, or publishing, so I am so thankful that Blogger has an easy template I can follow. Even in this age of social media, I really only subscribe to Facebook, so I don't know much about hash tags. . . I do not blog to draw attention to myself, and I have no desire to really make this a bigger thing than it is. For me, writing is out of obedience to God and what the Spirit stirs in my heart and prompts me to share. I share with you because I believe the Lord calls me to do so. I don't even know who really reads this blog unless they happen to comment on Facebook. Nonetheless, writing makes me feel so vulnerable. Yet, I am learning that it is okay to be vulnerable. In obeying and writing, I am growing in my own faith walk by sharing bits and pieces of my testimony and lessons I am learning along the way. I trust and pray that the Lord uses my vulnerability and weakness to encourage or support anyone who may need it -- in whatever way they need it. With that said, I encourage you to not be afraid of vulnerability or weakness either. The Lord can redeem it and use it to draw you closer to him, and use it perhaps in ways you never even expected.
Thanks for reading!
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