Fender Bender

The toddler was screaming in her carseat about wanting fruit snacks, upset that I did not have any.   I was merging over to the right lane.  I thought I checked the mirrors for approaching cars.  I did not hear the honking.  Crunch. . .  A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Thoughts started swirling frantically:

Oh crap!
I have to pick up my daughter and neighbor's son.  I'm gonna be late!
My daughter's play.  I'm going to miss it!
What happened?  I could have sworn I looked.  Where did the car come from?
My husband is going to kill me.  We just talked about how tight finances are.  
Will insurance cover this?
All my fault!  I am such a bad driver!  
Who is this other driver?  I wish my husband were here to help me take care of this.  What if the driver starts to cuss me out?  
The baby is still crying.  What am I going to do?
I need to get out and exchange info with the driver. . . please don't let him be mean to me!  I need to get out of traffic.  I need to find a safe place. . . where, where. . . Ok shopping plaza. . . Ok, public, safe.  Oh, I'm going to be late... 
My daughter is going to be disappointed I am not there!
Lord, oh gosh, give me peace!  Help me to be calm and level headed. . . .  

The other car followed me to a safe spot where we could pull over and get out.  I immediately apologized that I didn't see him.  I started rambling about the baby crying and screaming.  He said he was in the lane and honked.  I told him I didn't hear him.  We looked at the damage to his car.  Not too bad -- but still will cost something. We looked at my car --  just small scratches.  Not to bad.  Some relief.   We took pictures of the damage and exchanged information and insurance cards.    The other driver felt he needed to report it to the police, so he called them. . .    I had to call my husband and ask him to pick up my middle daughter and our neighbor's son from preschool.  The panic and worry was rising within me.  I was anxious that I would miss my older daughter's performance. . .   We waited for what seemed like an eternity, but in actuality probably no more than 10 or 15 minutes.  We find out there were no available patrol cars and it would be a while before an officer could get to us.  The other driver had a meeting he was late for also.  The baby was crying and I needed to go. . .

In the midst of this storm, I was crying out silently to the Lord and He was there with me each step.  It was a blessing that the other driver did not cuss or yell at me.  He easily could have.  In today's society you never know what you will get. . . . People exhibit road rage for much less.   I think he recognized that I was frazzled and distressed.  He told me he had three children of his own too, so he understands they can be a handful and the juggling. . . Because it looked like it would take forever for an officer to arrive, he said that as long as I gave my word that I would cover the small damage to his car, we could continue on our way.   I gave him my word and even allowed him to record it.  I knew that was the right thing to do.

He asked me if I had been distracted.   I hated to admit it, but I guess I really was.  I was distracted by so many things.  Prior to the accident, in addition the baby crying for her snack, I was thinking about an upcoming bible study and how to teach biblical concepts of spiritual warfare. . . I was thinking about a friend who has been feeling under attack and thinking of how I could best help her by inviting her over to pray together. . .

I didn't know the man's faith, but the Spirit prompted me to tell him that I was a Christian and that he has my word.  I tried to explain that as a Christian, when I do something wrong, I feel convicted and will do my best to remedy it and make it right with him and God.  I rambled on about how I felt like this was just another attack by the Enemy.  The other driver said, "I'm not your enemy."  I had to explain that I knew that, I didn't mean he was.  I just meant that I think things always happen for a reason and I think the Enemy has been targeting my family all this year in numerous ways to undermine our faith.   I found myself sharing briefly about how my nephew has a brain tumor and how my father-in-law just had surgery for cancer. . . The man empathized and said he was sorry.  He told me to keep pressing on and be safe driving.  I was so grateful and so thankful that despite everything I know we can have hope things will be better because of our faith.  He seemed to believe in holding on to hope. . . I know I fumbled a lot over the words, but I hope my message came across.  I normally would not get into all of these things with a complete stranger, but I felt I needed to for some reason. . .

He got in his car and drove away.  I got in mine and headed to my daughter's school for her play.  I praised Jesus for being with me and keeping us safe and for the kindness of the other driver. . . Once I got to my daughter's school, my phone rang and it was the other driver.   He called to check that the baby and I were safe to our destination.  He told me he felt bad and that he just wanted to check to see if  we were alright.  I told him I was thankful that it was him that I hit and not someone else.  I thanked him for his kindness.  I told him I believed that God uses all things for a purpose.  He told me that he believed the same and that perhaps we both needed this to happen for a reason -- whatever that reason is.  He reassured me that we'd work this all out together.

What grace.  What mercy.  What kindness from a complete stranger!   It made me think of this verse:

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:4-9

Life is full of distractions.  The enemy wants to keep us focused on so many other things so that we are not focused on the Lord.  He doesn't want us doing God's work so he will attack us when we leave ourselves vulnerable.  Even the good stuff we do for the Lord can distract us if we are so intent on the doing and forget the One who we serve.   Praise the Lord that the beauty of the gospel is that God's grace and mercy is a gift!  We cannot earn it by anything that we do.  We cannot brag about having it because we do nothing to deserve it.  Even in our good intentions we can still fall so short of His glory.  Yet in His great love for us, God sent his own son to die for us.  His grace saves us eternally if we believe in Jesus and what He did for us on the cross.   I love how this verse talks of "the immeasurable riches of his kindness toward us."  God shows his grace to us in Jesus but also uses others around us to show us grace.  

On the road of life we will encounter some fender benders -- times when we collide with others in a variety of ways.  It might be opposing positions, disagreements about marriage, relationships, work, finances, parenting. . .  Whatever the reasons, we have a choice in how we respond.  Do we respond with road rage or do we extend grace?  Today I learned a great deal about extending grace.  Because God showed me grace, because I receive grace undeservedly, it challenges me to always show such grace to those around me.

Praying for our marriages

On my knees, on the floor, against the side of the bed, I was stooped and weeping.  The weight of my own failings as a wife, weariness from poor communication, and emotional disconnection kept me there.  My soul was crying for our marriage.  My husband and I had been warring with each other all week.  He was on the bed, leaning over the edge, clasping my hands in his hands.  He too didn't know what was happening.  Yet, we both knew we needed to pray.  Silently I poured out my soul to the Lord.  Out loud my husband prayed over our marriage, over his brokenness, over my brokenness -- asking for a hedge of protection from evil that would separate us. . . . Slowly the darkness receded. . . .   The storm calmed. . . .  The dust cleared. . . And we found our way back to each other again, reminded of how much we love each other.

It is no accident that God paired us together.  My husband is strong where I am weak; and I am strong where he is weak.  We balance each other.  The problem is that we both have very strong personalities and are stubborn.  We tend to hold our ground in arguments rather than concede.  We both tend to feel justified and "right".  We both like to have the last word.   Being "right" means that we must prove the other wrong, since there can't be two "rights" can there?  

Yet, God's word tells us, "People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their heart (Proverbs 21:2)."   In other words, everyone can justify their own beliefs, opinions, and viewpoints to themselves and sometimes to others.  That doesn't necessarily mean that our hearts and motives are just, honorable, or right.  Scripture teaches us to be peacemakers and to avoid conflict.  "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace (Colossians 3:15)"   "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God (Matthew 5:9)."  If we are arguing to further our agenda, or prove ourselves right and others wrong, that is not being a peacemaker.  Truly only God's way is the Right way.

One of my biggest fears is that my marriage will fail.  I worry that it will become another statistic.   I worry I will walk the path that so many others in my family have walked -- that of separation and divorce.  If that happens, I worry for what it will do to my children.  If you are divorced and reading this, I am not judging.  If you are a child of divorced parents, I am not saying this is how you would feel.   I can only speak of my own experiences.   For me,  I believe a lot of my emotional issues have stemmed from my broken home.  I grew up wounded and hurting.  Trust, love, forgiveness and grace were difficult concepts for me to learn and accept.   Early on in our relationship and marriage I would lash out at my husband and "test" him often to see if he would leave me -- as I expected him to do.   Yet, thankfully he never did.  

If you are married or in a committed relationship, can you relate?  Does your past sometimes sneak up on you and overwhelm your present?  Our marriage is not perfect.  I don't think any marriage or relationship can be.  How can it be when there are two imperfect sinners -- each selfish in their own way -- who are trying to become one and live in harmony?  Some days things run smoothly and the next it doesn't. There are many ups and many downs.  But that is the journey that we are on.  Because of my past and the fears stemming from them, the down moments so often seem larger than life, making them seem more catastrophic than they truly are. In reality, the wonderful up moments far out number the down moments. 

God tells us to cast all our fears and anxieties onto Him who can shoulder our burdens.  I have learned to do this in so many areas of my life:  my day to day with the girls; my ministry; illness and health issues of loved ones; conflict with friends and neighbors; etc.  I truly don't worry much about those aspects of my life and rarely do they bring me down.  Sometimes people do or say hurtful things to me and I truly don't take any of it to heart.  With the Lord's help, I am able to show mercy and grace to so many others.  Yet, with my husband and our marriage, I am realizing that I do not show enough grace.  I am realizing the reason is that in this one area I still harbor fear and worry.   It has been a process.  We have come so very far over the past 16 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage.  Yet there is so much more growth we both need to do individually and together.  I am realizing that I have not fully turned this relationship over to the Lord.   

Yesterday on the floor of our bedroom, while we prayed,  the Lord spoke to my heart and made me realize that although much of my life has been given to Jesus as a living sacrifice, I was still holding tight to my marriage.  I realized that I was trying to make it work by my own efforts -- way more than I realized.  We attend marriage classes at church; we go on date nights when possible; we spend a lot of time "discussing" the issues of our marriage; but we were not making God head of it.  We are prayer warriors for friends and family who are suffering through hard times.  We pray fervently for our children and each other.  Yet, I realized yesterday that we were not praying together specifically enough over our own marriage.

Change happens as we pray together.  God uses it to soften both of our hearts.  As our hearts soften, God reveals to us areas that we need to work on.  He restores the "right spirit" within us (Psalm 51:10) so that we become more compassionate towards each other.  Only then can we reconcile and reconnect.  It is there that God turns conflict into peace and love.  Marriage and relationships are difficult and they are messy.  By our own efforts we might be able to make it work -- but I truly believe that it wouldn't be as fulfilling as when the Lord is center of it.  We would not be transformed for the better without the Lord using our marriage to mold and shape us.   

So, if you are reading this and going through a tough spot in your marriage, I encourage you to pray more together over your relationship.  It might mean talking less to each other about the issues.  With the Lord's help, we are striving to do the same.  Together let's see the Lord bless our marriages and relationships beyond measure.    

How can we judge when we are of the same body?

(This is what I wrote to share and speak during devotional time at CBS today)

As we approach Easter and the celebration of Christ's resurrection from the dead, I am challenged to really think about what His resurrection means to me personally.  Because he died on the cross our sins are forgiven and we have eternal life.  Because he died in our stead, our slates are wiped clean and we are deemed righteous in the sight of God.  Because he has risen we have hope everlasting.  We know that he has overcome death and the same victory is ours too.Christ's resurrection means that He is ALIVE now IN us.  Let that truth sink in.   Right now in this room, Christ is ALIVE inside of us!  These are the truths that we believe and stand by, but have they really penetrated our hearts and how do we apply them to our lives?

On application I think can be seen in 1 Corinthians 12.  The Apostle Paul talks a lot about how we are all members of Christ's body.  Because He is alive in us, it means that right now in this room, we are his hands, his feet, his eyes, his ears, his nose, his mouth. . .   We are his beating heart, his lungs. . .  If you reach out to the person sitting next to you, you are touching not just a sister in Christ, but a part of Christ himself!  Christ is the head.  He will lead and guide us in the tasks we need to do, and the ways we should go.   And just as the body has different parts that have various functions, all serving a vital role in keeping the body alive and well, so too it is for us.   We all have different spiritual gifts that are bestowed to us by God and are a manifestation of the Spirit in us.  We all have our different roles to play, yet we are all of the same body -- that is the Church -- which is the body of Christ on earth.  Just as the body cannot function optimally without all of its' parts, so too it is for us.  We all are vital and essential.  We all matter.  None of us are more or less than the other.

I have been meditating on 1 Corinthians 12 the past couple of days, and it has pierced my heart and convicted me of judgment I did not even know lurking in my heart.  It has led me to a richer understanding of what we are learning in Romans 14 (and have touched on a bit in Romans 12).    Since we all have been uniquely created and gifted by God for his divine purposes, how can we ever presume to judge one another?  Paul writes:

 ²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” ²² On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³ and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, ²⁴ while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, ²⁵ so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

Judgment of one another divides the church body.  By placing ourselves superior, we make others inferior.   Paul is saying that the people that we judge as weaker, or less noble, are actually equally important!  In fact, he is telling us that instead of judging others for whatever reasons, we should encourage them, lift them up, exhort them, edify them, and treat them with special honor.  And those that we might deem more strong or honorable, we should not give any special treatment to.  Why?  I think to humble them -- to humble ourselves.  A truly humble person would not have it in them to judge because they recognize that any good in them is from the Lord, and He alone gets the glory.  

By judging others we can also become obstacles or stumbling blocks to their faith.  Instead of judgment we should have mutual concern for one another.  That means we are sensitive to each other and where we each are in our faith walks.  Spiritual maturity is a process and it takes a lifetime.  In Christ we have freedom.  Yet, it often takes spiritual maturity before we can wisely and confidently embrace our freedom.  So we should not judge a fellow Christian who has not fully embraced their freedom in Christ.  They just don't have all the tools yet to understand.   If anything, they might benefit from us taking time to disciple them.   Moreover, we should not flaunt our own freedom in front of their faces especially if it will cause them distress or harm.  For example, knowing full well our brother or sister in Christ struggles with alcoholism, how can we in good conscience drink in front of them?   That would go against Jesus' commandment to love one another.  We would be injuring a part of our own body! 

We need to realize that if one part of the body suffers, every part suffers.  We as a body will not be able to function optimally.  So how do we avoid judgment and becoming stumbling blocks for one another?  The answer is love.  But this type of love we cannot attain on our own.  We have to tap into the power within us --  which is Christ ALIVE in us.  We ask Him to show us how to have empathy and compassion for those members who are struggling.  We ask him to break our hearts, make them more open and soft so that truly we can say that when one member hurts, we too feel the pain.  Our hearts should ache for one another in suffering and rejoice with one another in triumph.  Because when we love like that and feel for each other like that -- there is undeniable and unconquerable power and strength!  That would be true unity in Christ -- unity as the church body of our resurrected Savior -- each abiding in the vine.  There would be no room for judgment or strife.  I think these same truths apply to our unbelieving friends and family too.  If our hearts truly break for them, and we seek He who is IN us to give us wisdom and discernment, our words and actions will reflect Christ.  The Spirit will in his perfect timing and will draw that person to Him. 

I want to end by challenging you with the lyrics of this Casting Crowns song that is so pertienent:

Jesus Friend of sinners we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus friend of sinners the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus friend of sinners 
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy 
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus friend of sinners break our hearts for what breaks yours

Joy, Peace, and the Middle

In one of my bible studies recently, our exercise was to tell each other which fruits of the Spirit we witnessed shining the most in each other.  These fruits are given to us by the Holy Spirit that resides in us from the moment we put our faith in Jesus.  They are:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).  These fruits emerge in us as believers the more we abide in the vine; in other words, these characteristics grow in us the more we are rooted in Jesus.   Both women in my group said to me that they believed they saw joy and peace shining the most in me.   I was floored.  Truly they could not be talking about me!  They must not know me very well!  I was flattered and it definitely was nice to hear those words, but I couldn't help my unbelief.  Then something happened.  The Lord quietly spoke to my heart, "Amy you are none of these things on your own.  It is ME in you that they see and it is I who shine.  It is I who give you joy and peace."  And with that powerful reminder I said "Thank you," and stored away their words to meditate and reflect upon.

Biblical joy transcends circumstances.  Happiness is often confused with joy.  Happiness is momentary and fleeting because it has to do with feeling great when things are going right in our world.  Gary Ogden in his book, Discipleship Essentials writes:  "Joy can coexist with suffering and grief.  Joy is stable, because it is rooted in hope. Jesus said, Take heart!  I have overcome the world (John 16:33).  Hope grounded in Christ's death and resurrection is knowing how the story ends.  Joy is that we know there is a happy ending."

Peace is knowing that because we are God's children, He loves us and will keep his promises and will bring good out of all our circumstances -- even our negative circumstances He will turn into good (Romans 8:28). Ogden also writes, "Peace. . It is serenity from security [in God]."  It is knowing that God will not leave us alone, but is at work behind the scenes of our lives for a good purpose.  So why worry needlessly?

As I have reflected on Joy and Peace, I now have confidence that these fruits do shine in me.  Yet, they shine not because of my own doing.  It is because I have recognized how faithful God has been in my life in taking me through all of our difficult challenges over the past few years -- especially this past year.

Do you remember the story of Jesus walking on water?  It occurs after Jesus's miracle of multiplying fish and loaves of bread to feed the 5000 people who had come to hear him teach.  Jesus told his disciples to get into the boat and go ahead of him to Bethsaida.   In Mark 6:47-48 we read, "When evening came the boat was in the middle of the lake. . . He [Jesus] saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them.  About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake."  When the disciples see Jesus, they were terrified.  He tells them, "Take courage!  It is I.  Don't be afraid!"  Peter is so excited he wants to come to Jesus.  Peter faithfully steps out of the boat and he walks on water for a few steps!  Then he looks down and he falls into the water and begins to sink.  Jesus saves him and gently rebukes him for having little faith and doubting.   Jesus then calms the storm.

Charlotte Gambil gave a powerful speech at the Dare to Be women's conference that I attended recently. She said that storms often happen in the middle.  She spoke of how it is in the middle of marriages when things start to get really hard.  It is the middle of raising children that things get tricky.  It is in the middle when life often gets messy, exhausting, and crises happen.  This past year our family has been stuck in this stormy middle.  My daughter's GI and fever issues; death in the family; our house falling apart and needing extensive repairs; my nephew and his brain tumor; my father-in-law's cancer; and many other crises that impact us because they involve beloved family and friends.  What I realized is that through all these storms, I witnessed the Jesus who walks on water!  The one who has power to calm the seas!  He has all the power and authority of Heaven and Earth, and yet He loves me enough to take time to calm my personal storms.  He can do that for you too.

So often we fail to see Jesus for who he really is. . . We like to envision a Jesus who sits and teaches with an open heart and open arms, who has his feet firmly planted on the ground. That is a part of who he is, but he is so much MORE!  In rereading this story today, this verse struck me for the first time, "They [the disciples] were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened (Mark 6:52)."  The disciples had just witnessed Jesus do countless miracles, including dividing and multiplying fish and bread to satisfy the hunger of 5000 people, with the abundance of 12 baskets left over.  Yet, they doubted that Jesus could walk on water!  Their view of Jesus was limited.  So often our view of Jesus is limited.  When we keep our view of Jesus small, we undermine his ability to intercede for us and help us when we are going through struggles.  We sometimes see how he is working in other people's lives and we want the same.  Yet, what this verse is saying is that when we do not understand and believe the fullness of Jesus's power, we are hardening our own hearts against him.  When we do so, we will not recognize him when he does come, just as the disciples did not recognize Jesus on the water.

I am confident now that the fruits of Joy and Peace in me are because I have encountered Jesus who walks on water!  I have experienced His calm and peace that transcends all understanding.  I have witnessed miracles in my own life and in the life of my nephew.  I was healed from Trigeminal Neuralgia.  My nephew is walking and running now after having hemi-paralysis from brain tumor surgery.  Even in the smaller trials of everyday life I witness Jesus calming my storms of anxiety.  He is the anchor that keeps me steady and afloat instead of drifting despite whatever life throws at me.   I am not saying I'm perfect.  I have moments of doubt and sink just like Peter.  Yet, I know and believe with all my heart that my Lord will always catch me in his arms and rescue me, just as he did for Peter.

I don't know what storms you are facing in the middle of your life.  Whatever it is, I encourage you to cast your eyes on Jesus. Know and believe that Jesus can and does walk on water.  He is the one who also rose from the dead! He is alive! Nothing is impossible for him.  If you know that and believe it with all your heart, peace and joy -- that truly is not of this world -- will come upon you.  The circumstances of your life might not change, but Jesus will calm that storm inside of you.  His Joy and Peace will carry you through the most difficult of challenges today, tomorrow, and always.    

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Recently I told a friend about how my husband and I had been sick with a flu-like virus that turned into acute bronchitis and possibly early pneumonia.  She said to me, "Sickness is the story of your life!"  She didn't mean anything negative by that statement and I took no offense to it.  It's true that with cold/ flu season  our household seems to be constantly sick.  With three girls in school who participate in various activities, they are magnets for all kinds of germs and of course pass it to each other.  One girl will get sick, then pass it to her sisters one by one.  The pattern we tend to see is about three weeks of colds in the family, then a couple of weeks of reprieve until another virus hits.  

Her words have stuck with me over the past few weeks and I have been meditating on them.  She said them in a passing manner, only referring to our recent bout of the flu.  But I think there is a deeper truth to these words.  Sickness truly is a part of my life story.   Here are just some examples:

I was sick with a depression for the majority of my adolescence and young adult years.  I was sick with a mysterious illness that doctors believed was Trigeminal Neuralgia, a nerve disorder that is characterized by shooting pain along my face and jawline.  I was sick with gestational diabetes for all three of my pregnancies and had to manage my diet and give myself insulin shots.  I suffer from horrible migraine headaches.  I have some GI issues that often cause discomfort.  My anxiety also sometimes gets out of hand. 

My 7 year-old daughter has a lot of GI issues also.  She also has been diagnosed with Periodic Fevers, Aphthous Stomatitis, Pharyngitis and Adenitis (PFAPA).  PFAPA is characterized by unexplained fevers that last several days and occur periodically every 3-5 weeks almost like clockwork.   In between the episodes she is perfectly healthy and happy.  

My 4-year old nephew's life completely changed recently because of a brain tumor.  During surgery to remove a part of the tumor he suffered a stroke that left him paralyzed on his left side.  He is currently doing well and has recovered the majority of his mobility after months of therapy, but he still has a long road ahead with some of the tumor still remaining.    

Cancer is also a part of our lives.  My father-in-law is battling colon/ rectal cancer at the moment.  He just completed the first round of chemo and radiation and will undergo surgery soon.  Several family members have also died from various other kinds of cancer.

My story could end here with all this sickness -- but it doesn't.  In all this sickness there is hope everlasting.  I have witnessed God's faithfulness through all of these struggles and trials.  My eyes have been opened to the good that he can bring out of every circumstance (Romans 8:28).  Trigeminal Neuralgia brought me to point of such brokenness that it opened my heart fully to Jesus and I cried out to Him and accepted him as my Lord and Savior.  In so many ways I became a new person in Christ the minute I gave my life to Him.  But my transformation is still in progress.   My daughter's PFAPA is the only thing that will slow her down and make her rest.  She is always on the go and never rests enough.  My nephew's situation has grown the faith and boldness of his parents by leaps and bounds, as it has my own.  Witnessing what God is doing to heal my nephew has also inspired, encouraged, and impacted hundreds of lives for God's glory.  It has given us strength and courage and has prepared us for the trials with my father-in-law's cancer.

I believe there is an even deeper reason for these trials of sickness in my life.  Our world is a suffering and sick place. It was not what God originally intended, but it is a result of the fall.  My hope is in the promise that God made to us:  that one day there will no longer be suffering and pain.  That will be the day when Jesus returns and those who believe in Him can be with him in paradise.  For now, while in this broken and sick world, these lyrics from the Casting Crowns song, "Jesus, Friend of Sinners," plays like a mantra in my head: break our hearts for what breaks yours.  If you'd like to listen to the song, here is a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BY6VAy9y_iQ&feature=kp.  It is an absolutely beautiful song and truly speaks to my heart.  It talks about opening our eyes to the broken world around us -- a world that needs mercy and compassion, not our judgement.  The song calls us to love the wounded and outcasts as Christ loves them and gave his life for them by reminding us that Christ did the same for us.

I am realizing that much of the reason that God has taken me through the trials of my life is to break my heart for what breaks His heart.  The prophet Jeremiah wept for sinful Judah and said, "My grief is beyond healing; my heart is broken...  I hurt with the hurt of my people.  I mourn and am overcome with grief (Jeremiah 8:18, 22)."  The Apostle Paul wrote similar words, "My heart is filled with bitter sorrow and unending grief for my people. . . I would be willing to be forever cursed -- cut off from Christ -- if that would save them (Romans 9:2-3)."  Jesus's own heart broke for the people he ministered.  His compassion is without equal.  His heart ached for those who were weary and downtrodden, so he told them to come to him for rest (Matthew 11:28).  Even as he was dying on the cross, his last words and concern were for his people, for us, and he prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34)."

If you are hurting, feel downtrodden, or struggling right now.  My hope is that this will encourage you to persevere, lean on, and trust God.  There is a plan and purpose for everything.  God knows what he is doing in your life, and he will not waste those experiences.  He will bring good out of these trials and amaze you with how he does it.  It might not be the way you envision or want, but it will be better.  No one wants to have troubles -- least of all myself.  But God knows us better than we know ourselves and he knows sometimes there is no other way for us to learn what we need to learn.  If you are a parent,  you can relate. How often do your children need to learn things the hard way?  

Because I have hurt and struggled, I now have a heart for those who are also hurting and struggling. Because I was broken, my heart aches now for those who are also broken.  Through the trials of my life, the big ones mentioned above, and the little ones of everyday, God is growing in me a heart of compassion for those around me.  He knows that in the same way broken bones sometimes need to be broken further before they can be healed -- it is the same for us. God takes our broken pieces, mends them by his comfort and peace, and then reforms them into a new person who is more compassionate, full of grace, and forgiving.  "He comforts us in all of our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort that God has given us (2 Corinthians 1:4)."  I still am very selfish, but I now see those hurting around me and my heart truly does cry for them, because I have been there.  They in turn seem to recognize that I have walked the path that they are walking and so trust me with their pain.  They give me the honor and privilege to live life with them -- even if it's messy -- and to disciple them and give them the comfort that He gave me.

God will use your brokenness for good and for His glory.  Will you let him break your heart for what breaks His?  I will end with the lyrics of the song "Let your heart be broken" by Bryan Jeffrey Leech.  May it challenge you where you are, to look up, and look outside of your circumstances to see as God sees.  

Let your heart be broken for a world in need.
Feed the mouths that hunger, soothe the wounds that bleed.
Give the cup of water, and the loaf of bread.
Be the hands of Jesus, serving in his stead.
Here on earth applying principles of love.
Visible expression, God still rules above.
Living illustration of the living word,
To the minds of all who've never seen or heard.
Blest to be a blessing, privileged to care.
Challenged be the need, apparent everywhere.
Where mankind is wanting, fill the vacant place.
Be the means through which the Lord reveals His grace.
Add to your believing deeds that prove it true,
Knowing Christ as Savior, Make Him Master too.
Follow in His footsteps, go where he has trod.
In the world's great trouble risk yourself for God.
Let your heart be tender and your vision clear.
See mankind as God sees, serve Him far and near.
Let your heart be broken by a brother's pain.
Share your rich resources, give and give again.

Mom Guilt

I had a conversation with a mommy friend today about "mom-guilt."  What is mom guilt?  It's when we mothers feel like we are bad mothers.  We feel like mean mothers -- especially when we have to discipline our children.  We feel as though we have failed our children in some form or fashion.  We don't have them in the right schools; we don't spend enough time teaching them; we let them watch too much TV; we feed them too much junk food and not enough healthy food...  We feel that we don't measure up to other mothers or our own expectations of what mothers should be.  We feel like we do everything wrong and are just not cut out to be mothers.  We just feel guilty about feeling clueless sometimes.  Mom guilt feeds and fuels more mom-guilt. . . It's a vicious cycle.

If you are a mom and you have never felt this way -- well then you are abnormal (just kidding, but gosh, I'm envious!  Do tell me your secret!).  The reality is that I think most of us "normal" moms feel this way at some point or another. Some moms, myself included, have probably felt this type of guilt more often than not.   Why?  Are we really as bad as we think we are?  Let's weigh the evidence shall we?  Are we abusing our kids or neglecting their basic needs and rights?  Unfortunately, in this broken world there are many cases of child abuse and neglect. . . If you are reading this and recognize that this is you, then please, please, I pray you seek help! There are so many resources available.  Contact me privately if you need help finding some. I trust, however, that most of you reading this do not fall into that category.  I trust that most of you really don't abuse your kids.  You might do the occasional spanking, time out, or other consequence, but that is not the same as abuse.  Are your kids happy?  Are they well fed and well clothed?  Are their basic needs met?  Do your kids know that you love them?   If you have answered yes, then I'd say you are a good mom.  There are no perfect moms, but there are a lot of good moms out there.  We all look different.  We talk different.  We all have different parenting approaches that involve different opinions on sleep, eating, potty training, breastfeeding, schooling, extra-curricular activities, religion, and discipline. Yet, we all have one thing in common:  we love our kids and we are trying our best to raise great kids who will turn into great adults.

So if we weigh the evidence and find that we truly are NOT horrible mothers, then why the strong mom guilt?  What I have come to realize this year from talking to older women wiser than myself, is that as mothers, we are on the frontlines of spiritual warfare.  What this means is that we have an enemy who wants to undermine our efforts as mothers.  He wants to shake us up and make us doubt ourselves because we are mothers and primary care-givers responsible for raising an entire next generation. We are raising a generation of people who will ultimately make the choice to honor and love God -- or not.  If we lean on God and parent as best as we can with His help, seeking His wisdom, and praying that He will fill in the gaps and cover over our mistakes, I believe we will more than likely raise an entire generation of leaders who can make this world a better place and can truly make an impact for His glory.   We can raise a generation of people who follow Christ and choose Him over all else.  How amazing would that be?

Obviously Satan, our enemy, doesn't want this.  Satan's tactic is the same as in the beginning when he tempted Eve with the forbidden fruit.  He twists the truth, makes us believe the lies, and makes us doubt ourselves and God.   Satan wants us to doubt so that we fumble and seek to parent completely by our own efforts. That is when true failure happens.  When we rely on ourselves and not on God, we allow the enemy to cross into our homes and into our hearts.  We become fearful and we become distrusting of God and our children will recognize that.  Our actions will not coincide with what we teach, and we will look like hypocrites in the eyes of our children.  When it is their time to choose God or the self for master, who do you think they will choose?  I believe they will struggle with this choice if they have seen us struggle. Satan wants this and delights in this, so he wants mothers to struggle and doubt and feel mom guilt so that we will pass this along to our children.

There is NO condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1).  So we have to remember that the type of mom guilt we are talking about is not from Christ.  It is from our enemy.  The Holy Spirit will definitely convict us when we have made mistakes such as losing our tempers with our children; disciplining them too harshly; or neglecting time with them.  This type of conviction usually pierces our souls and hearts, but the purpose is not to condemn.  Rather it is to motivate towards repentance and change.  The Spirit will convict us so that we show more grace or ask for forgiveness when it is due. And this type of conviction will lead to redemption. Trust me.  I frequently lose my temper with my children and yell, and I have experienced this type of conviction.  It causes me to humble myself before my children and ask them to forgive me.  Yet, God can always turn any negative circumstance into good for His glory.  These instances when I have seemingly failed as a mother are actually some of the most poignant and memorable teaching moments I have had with my children.   We talk about grace and forgiveness, love and obedience, truth and untruth, and the power of God to redeem all things.  Satan twists our emotions so that we feel self-condemning guilt and then we feel incapacitated and doubtful.  This type of guilt from the enemy will not lead to repentance or change.  Instead, it will only fuel more guilt and more doubt.  Before you know it, you'll be caught in quicksand.

Yet, take heart, for the power of the gospel is that Christ has already overcome the enemy (1 Corinthians 15:57; John 16:33)!  So, I encourage you, if today you are being overcome with mom guilt, please pause and pray.  Think about where the source of that guilt is coming from.  Most surely it will not be from the Lord.  Once you have recognized and identified the source of the mom guilt, you can more readily combat it. Pray that God will help you to put on your full armor:

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God .
(Ephesians 6:10-17)

I promise you, if you pray for God to help you put on your spiritual armor each day, the mom guilt will lessen.  It has for me.  I have hope that eventually the mom guilt will completely go away, but for now it comes on every now and then, especially those times I have forgotten to pray to put on my spiritual armor. There will still be many less than perfect parenting moments, and the Spirit will still convict when it happens. The difference is that with your armor on, you'll gain a confidence and peace that only comes from the Lord. The Lord is faithful, and even your mistakes he will turn to good (Romans 8:28) -- you just have to trust him. Let go of the guilt and embrace the promise of hope and redemption.
  

Redeeming Vulnerability and Weakness: A continuation of Love, Mess, and Laundry

Yesterday I wrote a piece that I think has been my most raw and candid one to date.   I wrote of a moment of complete weakness and vulnerability.  It happened a couple of weeks ago, and since then I have felt the Spirit urging me to put it down on paper everyday.   I kept postponing it.  It was excuse after excuse.  I would say, "There is no time."  The Spirit would say, "Yes there is, if only you would find it."  I would respond, "But the kids are in bed.  Now I can finally relax."  The Spirit would answer, "Write now and then rest in Me later."  Everyday it would be this back and forth.  I would be in bed drifting off to sleep but the words I was meant to write down would keep churning and churning in my mind.  I'd ignore them. . . Until yesterday. . .  

If I am to be completely honest with myself and with you, I have to admit that I kept postponing because I was afraid.  Not necessarily because I am afraid of what people may think.  After all, most of my friends and acquaintances know me enough to know that I love Jesus and I don't shy away from sharing my faith.  Most people are also familiar with my testimony, that is, that I used to be depressed and suicidal.  So why was I so hesitant to write this time?  I think it was because somehow this felt much more vulnerable.  It was giving people a glimpse into a moment of my complete brokenness.   It was a glimpse into the warfare that rages inside of me.  I believe the Apostle Paul describes this the best when he wrote in Romans 7:15-23,  "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. . .  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.   So I find this law at work:  When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am!"

This war within is so real.  And I find that as I grow in my faith, the war becomes even  more intense.  I think that is because as I grow and mature in faith, I am in God's Word more. I know Him more intimately.  I grow more in love with my Savior, Jesus.  As this love grows, my wants and desires become more closely aligned with what His will is for my life.  Yet, there is that sinful nature in me that holds on to the past and fights for dominance and screams all the more loudly to be heard.  Overall, by walking and living by the Spirit, the good and light hold mastery over the sin and darkness.   But sometimes, as in that moment on the floor sobbing with laundry everywhere around me, the enemy forces temporarily gain favor. What wretchedness!

Yet, there is hope and triumph in Jesus.  Whatever your circumstances, whatever the mess is in your life, there is nothing that the Lord can not overcome.  The Apostle Paul of all people was shunned and persecuted for his faith and sharing what he believed in.  His life was way messier than the mess in my life. From day to day he did not know where he'd sleep; if he'd eat; if he was going to be imprisoned again or killed.   In Romans 7:24 Paul says, "Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!"  In Romans 8 he continues, "Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of Life set me free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.  And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit."  Paul's hope was in Jesus.  Our hope is in Jesus.

In my moment of weakness, my hope was in Jesus.   I was not eloquent in prayer.  I could not even begin to describe what was happening or what it was that I needed.  But the Lord knew.  All I needed to do was call out His name, and that was enough.  Because, "The Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express (Romans 8:26)."   

I study and look at the Apostle Paul's life and I am so encouraged.  The circumstances of my life are nothing in comparison.  I don't know the circumstances of your life.  Some of you are probably dealing with a lot more than you ever thought you could handle.   Maybe it's the death of a loved one; maybe illness and sickness of your children; maybe a struggling relationship; maybe financial difficulties. . . Whatever it is, I encourage you to take heart in this:  With the Lord Jesus, nothing will ever be too much.    His grace is truly sufficient to carry us through any crisis or hard times.  And his promise is that his power will be perfected in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  Think and ponder on that for a moment. . .   His POWER is PERFECTED in our WEAKNESS.   What does this mean? The second part of 2 Corinthians 12:9 states, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  I have wrestled with this statement in the past.  It doesn't mean that we should brag or shout for joy about our weak moments.  Rather, what I think it means is to be glad that in our weak moments we feel Christ's power.   For me, when I am weak, I feel the Lord's strength IN me the MOST.  It means that His strength will be what picks me up off the floor, not my own.  It means that it will be His hands that embrace me and love me when I am weak and can barely love myself.  It means it is okay to be weak sometimes -- it is the nature of being human in this fallen world.  Yet, if we allow the Spirit to work in us, our weakest struggling moments can also be our most defining and self-transforming.   And, if we obey Him and follow Him, our weakest times can also become powerful testimony for the Lord's work in our lives.  How exciting and humbling it is that the Lord can use our broken moments, and the messiest parts of our lives to glorify God?  

I don't think I'm particularly eloquent or gifted in writing (or speaking for that matter).   And, Lord knows I am not always grammatically correct either.  But for reasons beyond me, the Lord pushed me to write a blog.  It's nothing fancy as you can see.  I am not tech savvy, good at graphic design, marketing, or publishing, so I am so thankful that Blogger has an easy template I can follow.  Even in this age of social media, I really only subscribe to Facebook, so I don't know much about hash tags. . .  I do not blog to draw attention to myself, and I have no desire to really make this a bigger thing than it is.   For me, writing is out of obedience to God and what the Spirit stirs in my heart and prompts me to share.  I share with you because I believe the Lord calls me to do so.  I don't even know who really reads this blog unless they happen to comment on Facebook.  Nonetheless, writing makes me feel so vulnerable.  Yet, I am learning that it is okay to be vulnerable.  In obeying and writing, I am growing in my own faith walk by sharing bits and pieces of my testimony and lessons I am learning along the way.  I trust and pray that the Lord uses my vulnerability and weakness to encourage or support anyone who may need it --  in whatever way they need it.   With that said, I encourage you to not be afraid of vulnerability or weakness either.  The Lord can redeem it and use it to draw you closer to him, and use it perhaps in ways you never even expected.  

Thanks for reading! 

  

    

Love, Mess, and Laundry

Recently a friend said to me, "I am not good with emotions."  I replied, "I think that is true of all of us." She seemed surprised and said something along the lines of, "No.  I think you are really good with emotions." I was really struck by her comment for several reasons.  First of all, it made me pause and think about what it means to be good at emotions.  Does being good with emotions mean good at managing negative feelings when they arise?  Not ever crying or showing emotional upset?  Good at sharing feelings with others?  I never got the chance to really ask for clarification.  Regardless, it was the comparative context in which the words were used that really struck me.  She was implying that she lacked something that I had.  Interesting. What could this be?  Is she right?   I don't think so.

Those of you who know me, I hope that I don't come across as having it all figured out, or that I have "it together."  If I have come across as such, I humbly and sincerely apologize.  That would be hypocritical of me.  I do not have it figured out.  I do not have my act wholly together.  I struggle just like the rest of you, especially with regards to feelings.  I feel too much, which in and of itself isn't bad, but I will admit that I let those emotions rule me too often and that is not good.  I would describe myself as a very emotional person.  I have learned over the years to perhaps control my emotions outwardly, but internally stormy waters are usually stirring.  In Christ I have changed a lot.  In so many ways I am a new creature, transformed into a better version of myself -- hopefully a version He can more fully use for His purposes.  But my transformation is not complete yet.  It will not be until the day the Lord returns.  I still struggle with feelings of hurt, resentment, and anger from my childhood and young adult years.  I still am learning to forgive and forget past wrongs done to me.  I am still learning to show more grace to those around me.   I am still learning not to bottle up my emotions, making things worse when they threaten to boil over.  There are moments when I forget to put on my spiritual armor, and those are the moments that I feel the enemy attack and use my emotions against me.  Before I know it, I lose my footing and I am swirling deep in a sea of emotions so powerful and so overwhelming that they threaten to engulf me and drag me under.   These are moments when I am most fearful.  Yet, these are also the moments when I feel the presence of Jesus by me the most.

Recently we had a family wedding reception to attend.  I am an introvert at heart.  I dread any large gatherings.  They make me incredibly self-conscious and anxious.  I dread large family gatherings most of all. Don't get me wrong.  I love my family.  I truly do.  But for me, when it comes to family there are a lot of mixed emotions related to the past.   Also, family can be so critical sometimes -- not because they mean to be hurtful, but because they can be so brutally honest.  I have put on a bit of weight this winter.  From day to day I really don't think too much of it because I am comfy in my sweat pants, leggings or baggy clothes.  I am at home with the kids and there really isn't a need (nor time) to really spruce myself up during the week.   I knew I needed to try and look semi-decent for this family wedding.  I knew some people would inevitably comment on my weight (and pinch my arm fat); ask about if I am pregnant (which I am not) because I still have a post-baby belly pooch; or comment on my parenting.  Even though my rational self was telling me not to be anxious, I could not help it.  I stressed over what my kids should wear and what I should wear that would appear slimming and flattering.  About 45 minutes before we needed to leave, I found myself on the floor in our bedroom, in the middle of an enormous pile of unfolded clean laundry (that had been sitting in our bedroom for a few days, but that is another story).  I had emptied about 4 large baskets, so the floor was completely covered, and I was in the middle of this heap, throwing things around, desperately searching for black tights for my girls to wear.  I must have looked like a madwoman.  The stress and pressure of this event on top of the usual circumstances of life -- as crazy as it sounds -- seriously sent me into a full blown anxiety attack that I have not had in a very long time.   I remember sobbing hysterically that I couldn't find the tights in the mess and then I became paralyzed.  I just sat there crying, looking at the overwhelming laundry, feeling the weight of not measuring up to perceived expectations, and finally whispered through my tears, "Jesus, Lord, Help!"

That was when my husband appeared in our bedroom.  He looked at me and asked, "How can I help?"  I did not know how to respond to him.  I just looked all around me in bewilderment, still sobbing.  I seriously didn't know how to begin.  For you see, it was more than the wedding.  It was more than the laundry.  The messy laundry pile was just a metaphor for the messiness of life.  Emotions are messy. They are powerful and they take us by surprise sometimes and it's like we are swept up in a flood that makes it hard for us to see dry land.  I was sobbing because I knew that it was irrational for me to be on that floor in such distress.  I was crying because I was mad at myself for feeling this way.  I was crying because I was ashamed that I again let Satan make me lose my footing.  I sat there crying because I knew I should not be ashamed when I am in Christ -- that there is no condemnation in Christ.  I sat in despair because relationships are messy. My husband and I had had a couple of really hard weeks of bickering and disagreements.   I was tearful because of the messiness of parenting.  I love my children but raising, shaping, and molding little individuals who have strong independent wills is so exhausting.   My patience wears thin and I often lose my temper and then feel like a bad mother.  It seemed like an eternity as I sat there, not knowing how to get up.

Without further words, my husband came close and began to pick up the laundry, bit by bit, and relocated it to our bed.  Even as I still sat on the floor, slowly bit by bit I saw our carpet again. . . and it was as if bit by bit I was seeing dry ground again.  I said to my husband, "why did you just move it to the bed, it's still a mess up there."  Gently, my husband said to me, "I moved it out of your way for now so you can get up, and tonight and tomorrow I will help you to fold all the laundry." Miraculously he had even found the tights the girls needed to wear, so he went to help get them dressed.  It struck me then that my prayer had been answered.  In that moment, my husband demonstrated to me true love.   He illustrated how true love finds us in our mess, rescues us, saves us, and embraces us.   True love helps us to overcome our obstacles by sharing our burdens.  True love sets us free from our own self-inflicted chains of fear, worry, anxiety, anger, and depression.  True love redeems us.

My husband is my earthly true love, yet even his love pales in comparison to Jesus Christ's love for me. Christ is the ultimate True Love of our lives.  Christ laid down his life for us on the cross.  He died so that we could be set free from sin.  If we believe in him we do not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).  Jesus did this out of the purest, truest, most selfless love to demonstrate God's love for us.  In that moment, on the floor, in the mess, Jesus used my husband to bring me back to the light and remind me of how truly loved I am and how He is there to help me shoulder the burdens of this life.  He said to me, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28).  He can do this for you too, if you would only let him.  I pray that you will.

2013 in Review: Lessons for 2014

2013 has been an extremely difficult year -- perhaps one of the hardest I have had to experience.  Not just because of the circumstances I will share in a moment, but because for the first time I really felt that I was in the middle of spiritual warfare -- which is so real! 

Coming out of 2012, the year began with my husband still working 80 plus hours a week.  I was weary and overwhelmed, feeling like a single parent most of the time.  I had three girls to tend to on my own and there were days I felt so alone and so ill equipped.  Self-doubt plagued me constantly.

In May one of my uncles passed away unexpectedly from cancer.  He was a missionary in Malaysia and had to return to the states due to the pain and within weeks he died. 

That summer, I also began to realize that my oldest daughter, Arianna (who is 7 years old now), was having fever episodes every 3-5 weeks.  We began seeing a  pediatric rheumatologist and we had several blood tests to rule out various illnesses.  Ultimately she is now diagnosed with a periodic fever syndrome.   

Also over the summer our water heater broke in the basement. . . Then pipes in our storage area leaked. . .  Then our dishwasher broke. .  .  The extensive water damage revealed new and pre-existing mold issues in our home.  We live in an small townhouse, yet for nearly 5 months we were without a basement and for over two months we were without a functioning kitchen.  

September came and school, CBS, and extracurricular activities were starting up for the year, but this was when the unspeakable happened: my nephew, Nathan, started to have seizures. . . Everything began happening so fast.  One day he was a normal kid, the next day he was diagnosed with an extensive brain tumor.  Then he had surgery,  had a stroke, and experienced hemi-paralysis. . .

During this time, my mother-in-law, father-in-law, and my husband's grandmother started to have health issues that caused them to go to the ER several times.  And a few days before Christmas we found out that my father-in-law indeed has cancer.  

2013 was characterized by crisis after crisis.  And it truly felt as though we were under attack from outside forces.  In the midst of them, I recognized that the enemy was trying very hard to undermine my faith and testimony for the Lord.  Tentacles of darkness and depression kept trying to ensnare me and drag me down, and the enemy kept whispering doubt and fear into my heart.   But God used even those moments to bring me closer to Him rather than let the enemy win.   I grew leaps and bounds in my faith walk and learned to put on my spiritual armor each day so that Satan's darts did not get to me.  So, yes, 2013 was a difficult year, but God used all those circumstances to grow me.  It was as though I was living out the truth of Romans 8:28, "That in all things God will work for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose."

For example, God used the situation with my husband's overly demanding job to teach me how to fully lean on Jesus, rather than on my husband, to give me the extra strength that I needed to tend to three girls alone.  I clung to 2 Corinthians 12:9; "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  I am weak, but God is strong.  Family time was rare and precious and we learned to cherish it.  The Lord also used that undesirable job as a stepping stone for my husband to obtain a better and much more flexible position which he is in currently, allowing us more family-work-life balance.  And we praise him for that. 

My uncle's death was a shock even though I was not overly close to him.  Nevertheless, I admired and loved him.   I think God used that situation to draw the family on my mother's side back together again.  Prior to that there had been much conflict.  

During Arianna's fevers, I began to realize that perhaps it was her body's way to rest and slow down.  And God used that situation to remind me of the meaning of Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God."  The root of the word used for Be Still also means to Cease Striving.   God used this situation to remind me about the importance of ceasing to strive for control and do everything myself.  I need to stop and rest in Jesus, and to accept his offer to help shoulder my burdens.  I needed to learn this as our year only got more and more overwhelming.

With our house falling apart one room at a time,  and having more limited space than usual, God taught me to live with less.   At one point we only had our bedrooms and a small living room space for the children to play in, and yet somehow, that was enough.  It was all that was needed.   We had dreams that someday we would be able to move to a bigger home, but I realized that isn't the important thing anymore.  God's grace is sufficient wherever we are.  He taught me appreciation and gratitude for where he has placed us.  I learned to really appreciate the small and little things.  If someday we get a bigger home, great, but if not, it is ok. 

And what can I say about Nathan's experience that I haven't already said or shared to many of you?  Although it was the lowest point of our year, it has also been the absolute crowning jewel of God's work in my life this year (and perhaps the lives of others too).  All the difficult circumstances leading up to it, pounded God's promise of Romans 8:28 into my heart, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose."  Despite our heartache we have seen God's glory.   So many lives have been reached, inspired, and touched in innumerable and immeasurable ways through this situation with Nathan.  So many doors have opened for me personally, and for others, to share the gospel.  And it is not our work, but the Lord's.  Nathan for the moment is doing well (Praise the Lord).  There is still some of the tumor left, and God's work in this is ongoing, but we trust in Him always.

In fact, Nathan's situation has prepared us for what is to come as my father-in-law fights cancer.  He said himself how Nathan's situation has inspired them and that they see that nothing is impossible for God, and that so much good can come from something so tragic.     

So going into 2014, I do hope that it will be a better year than last.  But if it isn't, I know it will be ok.  I know that God is in control and whatever happens, it will be for good.   I encourage you, as the new year starts, to look back  at last year and think about how God has used the circumstances in your life to mold and shape and grow you.  I have learned that there really are no coincidences with God.  Either he puts a situation in our life, or he allows it --  either way, it is always for a good purpose.   Each time you overcome an obstacle or a trial, God uses it to prepare you for the next.  In this world there will always be trouble, but take heart, for Jesus has overcome the world (John 6:33).  So, as we begin 2014, what have you learned this past year and how can you apply it and use it for God's glory?