Renewed spirit.

It had been a rough morning.  I had an awful fight with the husband.  To be honest, I don't even remember what it was about.  But it left me very sad.  When I get really upset, one of my tendencies is to try and shut out the entire world.  I want to be alone, to think, to cry, and to just sleep.  These maladaptive coping mechanisms I learned from back in the days of depression.  So I hid myself in our bedroom for the majority of the day.  I laid in bed paralyzed because I couldn't shake the sadness and the anger that filled my heart.  I couldn't lift the fog that had settled over my mind, and there was a weight of doubt over my soul.

The enemy was prowling and he was whispering false statements in my ear.  I felt attacked and bombarded with negative thoughts.   How could he say the things that he did?  Doesn't he understand that it hurts me? He must not love me.  He must not care for me.  Worse yet, he made me look like a fool.  How could he?  He doesn't respect me. . . 

I wept.  And as I wept I asked the Lord to free me of my heartache and to help me to see the situation clearly.  I turned to scripture and came across this verse: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me (Psalm 51:10)."  It was the perfect prayer and I repeated it over and over again. Eventually my tears subsided.  I felt more calm.  I felt that I could finally rejoin my family downstairs.

Downstairs I found my husband playing with the children.  They had an elaborate game of make-believe going on.  They had "stores" set up.  One girl had a bookstore.  The second girl had a candy and sweets store. My husband and the baby were the customers buying the goods.  They were smiling, giggling and laughing and having a grand old time.  I watched them and realize that while I was struggling with self-pity upstairs I was missing out on great family time.  I looked at them and my heart swelled with love.  The bible says that "love will cover over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)."  This is true.

This is my family whom I love.  These are my children whom I love.  This is my husband whom I love. I realized then that I was grateful for this man who was a wonderful father to my children.  I realized that although he hurt me with his words, I over-reacted and did not show him the grace he deserved either.  I realized that I was quick to assume the worst of him and his intentions and really allowed the negative thoughts and feelings to take over.  I lost my focus.  I should have held steadfast to the foundation of love that is built between us, with God at the center.  Thank the Lord for giving me that moment of clarity and change in perspective.  He restored my heart to a good place and renewed the right spirit inside of me.  It was by showing love, grace, and forgiveness to each other just as Christ did for us on the cross.

There will be many things that occur in life that will upset us.  There are many things that will take the joy from our hearts.  The enemy will also take the opportunity to make us doubt.  To combat it we must always ask the Lord to secure and guard our hearts and help us regain perspective so that our spirit is renewed and stays steadfast.

Cease Striving

My oldest daughter, for as long as we remember, has had bouts of recurrent fevers.   It has become a mystery as to why they keep occurring.  So far blood tests have come back normal.  The most probable diagnosis is a type of periodic fever syndrome -- and even this is rather vague.  There isn't much to be done other than to manage the fever when it occurs.  In between episodes she is completely healthy and happy, and her development is fine.  We are still praying to discover the cause of these fevers and to perhaps find a cure for them -- whatever that may be.  But really, of all the illnesses my daughter could have, this isn't such a bad one.  More than anything it's just inconvenient.  The fevers cause her to miss school and other activities for days at a time.  When she has an episode, she lays on the couch for days.  This type of laying around goes against her very nature.  She is the child who has to constantly be doing something.  She does not like to be still.  She is our gymnast who does one-handed cartwheels for hours on our living room floor.  She is our climber who literally scales our walls like a spider-girl.  She is not a child who likes to rest.

I hate to see my little girl sick and not herself.  However, I have been thinking that perhaps these fevers serve a good purpose.  Perhaps it is her body's way to tell her she needs to rest.  She refuses to ever admit that she is tired, even if her eyes are having a hard time staying open.  She proclaims, "I don't need rest! I don't want to!  I am fine!"  If you listen to her you'd think we invented a new form of torture by making her stay in bed.  

Teaching my daughter to rest has made me think a lot about Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." In other translations the words "be still" are replaced with "cease striving."  In other words, I believe this means to "let go."  Let go of what?  In observing my daughter struggling and fighting against the rest that she needs, I think it's about letting go of control.  I would tell her I knew what was best for her, but she disagreed.  She wanted to be in control of when and where she would rest -- if she were to rest at all.  

Perhaps I speak only for myself. . .  but like my daughter, I think we all sometimes fight against what we know is good for us.  We strive constantly to control every aspect of our lives.  We stay busy, active, and moving because it gives us an illusion of control.  When we are doing something we feel like we are in the driver's seat.  We believe we are the ones who know the best about everything that pertains to our lives.  We are wrong.  When we give our lives to Jesus, he should now be in the driver's seat.  He is now the one that we should lean on and trust to guide us where we need to go. He is the one who knows the best for us and has a plan for us that is good (Jeremiah 29:11).  To cease striving means to stop struggling against him.  It means to stop trying to wrestle the steering wheel away from him.   Of course we need to do our part -- whatever that may look like -- but we need to accept that He is God.  Let go of worry.  Let go of anxiety.  Let go of stress.  Let go of control.  Let go and we will see God's faithfulness in our lives and He will give us the rest that our soul yearns for even if we don't acknowledge that we need it. Cease striving and know he has everything under control.  

Lord, help me and the others who ask, to let go of the control.  Help us to give it all up to you and to follow your lead always.  Help us to know that as you are the creator and the master of all heaven and earth, you too can orchestrate our lives for your glory and for good.  You ask only that we be still, to cease striving, and to let you do your mighty work in our lives.  Amen.