The road less traveled

We were driving home from a family vacation in the middle of the night, it was dark except for the few lights from passing cars and the occasional street lamp.  My husband was driving and the girls were momentarily asleep in the back seat.  It was quiet.  My mind wondered as I watched the road twist and turn, go up and down.  One road ended and another began, and sometimes two or more would merge.  I began thinking about how the journey was a perfect metaphor for my life.  And I recalled the poem The Road Not Taken written by Robert Frost:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

I will admit that the road of life that I am traveling now is vastly different from the road that I had mapped out for myself.  I had planned on finishing my Ph.D. and thriving either in academia doing psychology research or in private practice. . . Instead I left the field 5 years ago to stay at home with my family.  Who would have known that my once ambitious self would leave a career before it even really started?  Sometimes I still encounter old friends and colleagues from my graduate school days who shake their heads in disbelief.  I imagine them saying to themselves,  "What a waste."  And I admit, sometimes I have felt that way too.  Sometimes I miss working (although with my mommy-brain I probably wouldn't make a very good counselor/ therapist).  I often miss the intellectual stimulation and that part of myself that talked about things other than diapers, sleep patterns, eating behaviors, developmental milestones, more pregnancies and more babies. . .

And to be honest some days when I am in the trenches of motherhood, I question whether I made the right choice to stay at home.  Today was one of those days.   My 4.5 year old daughter had an extreme meltdown first thing in the morning because of her pants not pulling up right.  She would not calm down until I mustered all the energy I had to hold her tight despite her fighting, squirming, and pushing at me.   I picked her up later from preschool and on the way home had to pull over because she had to go potty, "NOW!" and I scrambled to get the portable potty out of the trunk before she had an accident in the car.  I thought to myself, "How glamorous!!!"   Days like today, I often think, "I'm a horrible mother because I'm losing my patience," or  "I'm not cut out for this thing called motherhood,"  or "Gosh, what if I had taken a different road in life?" 

Yet, although these thoughts often come into my mind, I also know that days like today are also the days when God shows me he is faithful and present and with me each step of the way.  He reminds me that he has a plan for my life, and it is better than what I had planned for myself.  "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future, (Jeremiah 29:11)."  And it is on these days of hardship when I am reminded of the next verse, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart, (Jeremiah 29:12-13)."  Because that is exactly what I do, I fall on my knees crying out to Him to give me strength, patience, and grace to overcome my frustrations and parenting mistakes. 

I had not planned to be a stay-at-home mother, but what I have learned is that God always places us EXACTLY where he wants us to be.  And His timing is always perfect -- even if different than our own.   Now that I am a Christian, it's like Jesus has become my driver and the Holy Spirit my GPS.   I trust Jesus to steer me in the right direction.   The Holy Spirit is the one who tells me if I make a wrong turn and the one who redirects me back on course.  The road He paves for us may not be the popular road, or the most glamorous road, but He will never steer us wrong.  It is the road to a better and fuller life rich with heavenly and eternal treasures, NOT worldly and fleeting ones.  The path he chose for me is not necessarily the path he will choose for you.  His plans for each of us are different.  But  Jesus does say, "Enter through the narrow gate.  For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter though it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. (Matthew 7:13-14)."

I chose to trust the Lord in mapping out my road of life rather than relying on my own faulty means.  And it has made a big difference.  He does not promise that this road won't be full of bumps, twists and turns, and many downhill slopes. . . But He does promise to be there with us each step of our journey and lighting the path for us.  And He promises that there are also many, many uphill blessings that we will enjoy on our way.  For example, parenting is hard work, but I cannot begin to count the number of times that my heart fills with joy when my children run to me laughing, smiling, just to hug me, snuggle, or tell me "I love you, Mommy!"  So yes, I'm traveling on an unexpected, unanticipated road, but it's also a glorious one!