I had a fun time out with some wonderful ladies tonight. We were celebrating my sister-in-law's birthday. We chatted, laughed, and had good food. The only problem was that the service was horrible! Orders were messed up; drinks not refilled; food thrown out instead of boxed up as requested; and it took 20 minutes to get our bill and settle our check. So when it came time to tipping, most people didn't want to tip much. I was the one who suggested that we just give 10%. Most people agreed, although a couple of ladies gave more. Someone commented to those ladies, "Wow, you have a better heart than the rest of us."
That single comment got me thinking, and on the drive home I had a heavy conscience. The Holy Spirit was convicting me and I kept hearing the words, "You failed to show grace as I have shown you grace." I was guilty as charged and felt ashamed. We all fall short of God's righteousness. We are all sinners and make many mistakes -- some we repeat over and over again. We are undeserving, yet God shows us endless mercy and grace. His love is so great that he gave his only Son to die on the cross for our transgressions so that we would have eternal life (John 3:16). All we have to do is believe in Jesus. We did not earn nor do we deserve this free gift. Yet, he offers it to us free of charge. "He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time--to show us his grace through Christ Jesus, (2 Timothy 1:9)."
In my annoyance at the poor service, I was not thinking about the waiter as an individual. Perhaps his girlfriend broke up with him. Perhaps someone he loved was sick. Perhaps he was not feeling well. Simply put, perhaps he was just having a bad day. Don't we all sometimes have days like that? I know I do. I should have been more understanding. I should have forgiven him for his mistakes, as God has forgiven mine. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you, (Ephesians 4:32)."
When put to the test tonight, I failed. I failed to show Christ's love and light to another person who may have needed encouragement. I failed to show grace. If God were seated at my table today, I would be disappointing him. He would probably also be very frustrated and annoyed with my "service." But I believe he would have shown me abundant mercy and grace regardless. He would have left a good tip even though I didn't deserve it. He would have done so just to remind me of his love and compassion. This is the type of good behavior he wants from all of us, especially if we are Christian. For Christ's light to shine through us onto others, we need to be loving, kind, compassionate, and forgiving. Most of all, we need to shower grace onto others, even those who seem to not deserve it. After all, who are we to judge?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The road less traveled
We were driving home from a family vacation in the middle of the night, it was dark except for the few lights from passing cars and the occasional street lamp. My husband was driving and the girls were momentarily asleep in the back seat. It was quiet. My mind wondered as I watched the road twist and turn, go up and down. One road ended and another began, and sometimes two or more would merge. I began thinking about how the journey was a perfect metaphor for my life. And I recalled the poem The Road Not Taken written by Robert Frost:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
I will admit that the road of life that I am traveling now is vastly different from the road that I had mapped out for myself. I had planned on finishing my Ph.D. and thriving either in academia doing psychology research or in private practice. . . Instead I left the field 5 years ago to stay at home with my family. Who would have known that my once ambitious self would leave a career before it even really started? Sometimes I still encounter old friends and colleagues from my graduate school days who shake their heads in disbelief. I imagine them saying to themselves, "What a waste." And I admit, sometimes I have felt that way too. Sometimes I miss working (although with my mommy-brain I probably wouldn't make a very good counselor/ therapist). I often miss the intellectual stimulation and that part of myself that talked about things other than diapers, sleep patterns, eating behaviors, developmental milestones, more pregnancies and more babies. . .
And to be honest some days when I am in the trenches of motherhood, I question whether I made the right choice to stay at home. Today was one of those days. My 4.5 year old daughter had an extreme meltdown first thing in the morning because of her pants not pulling up right. She would not calm down until I mustered all the energy I had to hold her tight despite her fighting, squirming, and pushing at me. I picked her up later from preschool and on the way home had to pull over because she had to go potty, "NOW!" and I scrambled to get the portable potty out of the trunk before she had an accident in the car. I thought to myself, "How glamorous!!!" Days like today, I often think, "I'm a horrible mother because I'm losing my patience," or "I'm not cut out for this thing called motherhood," or "Gosh, what if I had taken a different road in life?"
Yet, although these thoughts often come into my mind, I also know that days like today are also the days when God shows me he is faithful and present and with me each step of the way. He reminds me that he has a plan for my life, and it is better than what I had planned for myself. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future, (Jeremiah 29:11)." And it is on these days of hardship when I am reminded of the next verse, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart, (Jeremiah 29:12-13)." Because that is exactly what I do, I fall on my knees crying out to Him to give me strength, patience, and grace to overcome my frustrations and parenting mistakes.
I had not planned to be a stay-at-home mother, but what I have learned is that God always places us EXACTLY where he wants us to be. And His timing is always perfect -- even if different than our own. Now that I am a Christian, it's like Jesus has become my driver and the Holy Spirit my GPS. I trust Jesus to steer me in the right direction. The Holy Spirit is the one who tells me if I make a wrong turn and the one who redirects me back on course. The road He paves for us may not be the popular road, or the most glamorous road, but He will never steer us wrong. It is the road to a better and fuller life rich with heavenly and eternal treasures, NOT worldly and fleeting ones. The path he chose for me is not necessarily the path he will choose for you. His plans for each of us are different. But Jesus does say, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter though it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. (Matthew 7:13-14)."
I chose to trust the Lord in mapping out my road of life rather than relying on my own faulty means. And it has made a big difference. He does not promise that this road won't be full of bumps, twists and turns, and many downhill slopes. . . But He does promise to be there with us each step of our journey and lighting the path for us. And He promises that there are also many, many uphill blessings that we will enjoy on our way. For example, parenting is hard work, but I cannot begin to count the number of times that my heart fills with joy when my children run to me laughing, smiling, just to hug me, snuggle, or tell me "I love you, Mommy!" So yes, I'm traveling on an unexpected, unanticipated road, but it's also a glorious one!
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
I will admit that the road of life that I am traveling now is vastly different from the road that I had mapped out for myself. I had planned on finishing my Ph.D. and thriving either in academia doing psychology research or in private practice. . . Instead I left the field 5 years ago to stay at home with my family. Who would have known that my once ambitious self would leave a career before it even really started? Sometimes I still encounter old friends and colleagues from my graduate school days who shake their heads in disbelief. I imagine them saying to themselves, "What a waste." And I admit, sometimes I have felt that way too. Sometimes I miss working (although with my mommy-brain I probably wouldn't make a very good counselor/ therapist). I often miss the intellectual stimulation and that part of myself that talked about things other than diapers, sleep patterns, eating behaviors, developmental milestones, more pregnancies and more babies. . .
And to be honest some days when I am in the trenches of motherhood, I question whether I made the right choice to stay at home. Today was one of those days. My 4.5 year old daughter had an extreme meltdown first thing in the morning because of her pants not pulling up right. She would not calm down until I mustered all the energy I had to hold her tight despite her fighting, squirming, and pushing at me. I picked her up later from preschool and on the way home had to pull over because she had to go potty, "NOW!" and I scrambled to get the portable potty out of the trunk before she had an accident in the car. I thought to myself, "How glamorous!!!" Days like today, I often think, "I'm a horrible mother because I'm losing my patience," or "I'm not cut out for this thing called motherhood," or "Gosh, what if I had taken a different road in life?"
Yet, although these thoughts often come into my mind, I also know that days like today are also the days when God shows me he is faithful and present and with me each step of the way. He reminds me that he has a plan for my life, and it is better than what I had planned for myself. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future, (Jeremiah 29:11)." And it is on these days of hardship when I am reminded of the next verse, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart, (Jeremiah 29:12-13)." Because that is exactly what I do, I fall on my knees crying out to Him to give me strength, patience, and grace to overcome my frustrations and parenting mistakes.
I had not planned to be a stay-at-home mother, but what I have learned is that God always places us EXACTLY where he wants us to be. And His timing is always perfect -- even if different than our own. Now that I am a Christian, it's like Jesus has become my driver and the Holy Spirit my GPS. I trust Jesus to steer me in the right direction. The Holy Spirit is the one who tells me if I make a wrong turn and the one who redirects me back on course. The road He paves for us may not be the popular road, or the most glamorous road, but He will never steer us wrong. It is the road to a better and fuller life rich with heavenly and eternal treasures, NOT worldly and fleeting ones. The path he chose for me is not necessarily the path he will choose for you. His plans for each of us are different. But Jesus does say, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter though it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. (Matthew 7:13-14)."
I chose to trust the Lord in mapping out my road of life rather than relying on my own faulty means. And it has made a big difference. He does not promise that this road won't be full of bumps, twists and turns, and many downhill slopes. . . But He does promise to be there with us each step of our journey and lighting the path for us. And He promises that there are also many, many uphill blessings that we will enjoy on our way. For example, parenting is hard work, but I cannot begin to count the number of times that my heart fills with joy when my children run to me laughing, smiling, just to hug me, snuggle, or tell me "I love you, Mommy!" So yes, I'm traveling on an unexpected, unanticipated road, but it's also a glorious one!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Remembering Sept. 11th
It has been 10 years. Wow. They call it flashbulb memories -- the vivid images that we store of where and what we were doing when a HUGE event occurs. I was working at that time at an outpatient psychiatric facility in Northeast DC. It started like any regular day. The patients had just finish their breakfast, and some were milling around talking while some were watching TV. Suddenly I hears gasps from some of the patients. Then some began screaming. As I tried to assess the situation and figure out what was going on, I noticed people pointing at the TV screen. Now other therapists and psych personnel poured into the room and our eyes focused onto the TV. The first plane had just crashed into the first tower and they were showing footage of smoke, people jumping out of windows. . . Then suddenly we see another plane heading into the second tower. . . More chaos and devastation. That's when someone shouted, "We are under attack!" And that's when some of the patients started to lose control and we had to snap into action. The patients had varying diagnoses that included mood disorders (e.g., depression, bipolar), anxiety (e.g., OCD), and those that were along the schizophrenia spectrum. . .And their disorientation was apparent. The TV was turned off and for the remainder of the morning patients were not allowed to watch. The rest of the staff and I tried to go about our business as calmly as possible -- pretending it was just another day. In our offices we scanned the radio and internet for further news. . . . We worried about friends and family in New York and at the Pentagon. But our first responsibility was to the patients. We had to make sure they were safe, that their conditions did not deteriorate due to the shock and news. The therapists cancelled the groups they had planned for that day and did crisis management groups instead, allowing patients to talk about their feelings after seeing the footage. There was a general sense of unease and fear as we tried to figure out what to do -- evacuate or leave early. . . Transporting the patients. . . I will always remember that day, and I know you will always remember that day, whereever you were and whatever you were doing. . .
I was not a true Christian yet at that time and I remember asking, "How could this happen? How could God allow it? If he truely existed, there shouldn't be such horror!" And I know that many others have asked the same exact question. I do not claim to have the complete answer or one that would satisfy you. Theologians, pastors, and stronger Christians than I have tried to answer this time and time again. So I doubt I can shed more light then they have already done. However, what I can do is talk about what I have learned and what I am reminded of as I sit here and write. God is a God of LOVE, HOPE, and LIGHT, not one of hatred and darkness. He has a hand in everything that we do, but that doesn't mean that he is the cause of everything that happens in our lives. He is a God who allows us free choice. So with that in mind, sometimes things that happen to us, especially the bad, come as a result of our own sinful nature, our own wrong choices and mistakes. Evil happens in the world because there are other forces at work that oppose God's goodness. Satan is as real today as he was thousands of years ago. The problem is that we sometimes forget about him. But what we can hold on to is the hope that God promises: "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, (Romans 8:28)." This doesn't mean there won't be suffering, pain, and tragedy. Unfortunately, living in a fallen world means that these things are inevitable. But God does promise to give us the stength to perservere and the confidence to know that he will work to bring about goodness and light even in the times of evil and darkness.
That is exactly what he did on 9/11. In the midst of the the utter destruction and horror of the twin towers collapsing, the Pentagon ravaged, the plane crash in Pennsylvania, the unspeakable tragedy of all the lives lost. . . God showed himself in the love and goodwill that was demonstrated. He was there among all the service men and women and public servants who risked their own lives to help. He was there in the arms of strangers, friends, and family who offered meals, support, and just hand-holding during those long hours and days of waiting for news (good and bad). He was there lifted up in prayers of countless people across the nation and the world. He is here still. In the midst of tragedy and despair, please do not doubt that God is there and that he cares. In the midst of the monotony of life, God is still present. He is everywhere, just waiting for us to choose Him and recognize Him, and trust Him.
Dear Lord, I pray that you continue to be with the families and friends of all the men and women whose lives were lost on 9/11. I pray that you lift them up, encourage and comfort them as only you can. Please remind them and the nation that you are here and that you are present, and that we may lean on you and trust in you. I pray that you remind us each day that despite tragedies that happen in our lives, if we trust in you, you promise to bring goodness out of the circumstances of pain. Amen.
I was not a true Christian yet at that time and I remember asking, "How could this happen? How could God allow it? If he truely existed, there shouldn't be such horror!" And I know that many others have asked the same exact question. I do not claim to have the complete answer or one that would satisfy you. Theologians, pastors, and stronger Christians than I have tried to answer this time and time again. So I doubt I can shed more light then they have already done. However, what I can do is talk about what I have learned and what I am reminded of as I sit here and write. God is a God of LOVE, HOPE, and LIGHT, not one of hatred and darkness. He has a hand in everything that we do, but that doesn't mean that he is the cause of everything that happens in our lives. He is a God who allows us free choice. So with that in mind, sometimes things that happen to us, especially the bad, come as a result of our own sinful nature, our own wrong choices and mistakes. Evil happens in the world because there are other forces at work that oppose God's goodness. Satan is as real today as he was thousands of years ago. The problem is that we sometimes forget about him. But what we can hold on to is the hope that God promises: "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, (Romans 8:28)." This doesn't mean there won't be suffering, pain, and tragedy. Unfortunately, living in a fallen world means that these things are inevitable. But God does promise to give us the stength to perservere and the confidence to know that he will work to bring about goodness and light even in the times of evil and darkness.
That is exactly what he did on 9/11. In the midst of the the utter destruction and horror of the twin towers collapsing, the Pentagon ravaged, the plane crash in Pennsylvania, the unspeakable tragedy of all the lives lost. . . God showed himself in the love and goodwill that was demonstrated. He was there among all the service men and women and public servants who risked their own lives to help. He was there in the arms of strangers, friends, and family who offered meals, support, and just hand-holding during those long hours and days of waiting for news (good and bad). He was there lifted up in prayers of countless people across the nation and the world. He is here still. In the midst of tragedy and despair, please do not doubt that God is there and that he cares. In the midst of the monotony of life, God is still present. He is everywhere, just waiting for us to choose Him and recognize Him, and trust Him.
Dear Lord, I pray that you continue to be with the families and friends of all the men and women whose lives were lost on 9/11. I pray that you lift them up, encourage and comfort them as only you can. Please remind them and the nation that you are here and that you are present, and that we may lean on you and trust in you. I pray that you remind us each day that despite tragedies that happen in our lives, if we trust in you, you promise to bring goodness out of the circumstances of pain. Amen.
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