"I need and miss my coffee!" I just posted this about an hour ago on FB. I had yet another sleepless night filled with countless dreams. Dreams occur during REM sleep, which is actually a phase of lighter sleep. . . So a night filled with dreams that I actually remember means that I never got that deep sleep that my body so needs. I struggle with sleep difficulties, a type of insomnia that has to do with the maintanence of my sleep. It may take me a while to fall asleep, but eventually I do. The problem is that I can't stay asleep and wake up every couple of hours and take a while to fall back asleep again. Now that I am pregnant with our third child, these difficulties are exacerbated. I wake up now every hour or so -- seriously, I know because I look at the clock! I am so exhausted everyday that I go to bed early by 9:30ish (I know, I'm an old fart). But come 10:30/ 11 I'm up, then 12/1, then 2/3, then 4/5. . . And well the kids then get up around 6:30/ 7 so that means I'm up for the day also. Is it the kids that are waking me up? Nope. They are pretty good sleepers overall getting close to 11-12 hours each night (Oh I'm jealous!). And the husband's snoring (love him!) probably doesn't help the situation, but really I just wake up for no reason. Well, now that I'm pregnant, necessary bathroom breaks may be part of the reason, I guess.
Due to my sleep issues, I had gotten into a nasty habit of having my morning cup of coffee (iced caramel latte -- yum!!!) just to give me a morning pick me up and help me to get through the day. I relied on that jump start every morning. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm trying to be good and not take the coffee because of the caffeine (besides, it is a costly habit!). But without it I have been dragging most days. I have been persistently praying to God for better sleep. I almost sound like a broken record. And night after night it was the same and no better. So obviously, even though I was trying really hard not to, I was getting frustrated. My foggy sleep-deprived brain could not allow myself to think that there was a purpose to it. I kept thinking, "Just a few solid hours of sleep and I would be a much better mother, more patient, less irritable. I'd be a better housewife with just a few more hours so I have the energy to clean and cook. . . A few more hours of sleep and I won't snap at my husband. . . "
This morning, I finally heard God's answer. Again, I was so focused on my "need" and "desire" for sleep that I lost focus of him and what he could be using this trial for in my life. While sitting at the breakfast table thinking of coffee, it hit me like a ton of bricks, "Amy, you are relying on the wrong thing! Your morning cup should be me, My Word, my Grace! I will get you through it!" Oh, how humbling that moment was. And how I needed that reminder! "My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)" God wants us to turn to him in moments of daily weakness. Instead of coffee or other means of a pick me up, he wants us to seek his grace. His grace is limitless and it will carry us through any obstacle. It does not mean we won't have difficulties and challenges, but he promises that he will give us the stength to get through it when we would otherwise not be able to on our own. Granted, there is nothing wrong with coffee. But it should not replace God in our lives.
Dear Lord, thank you for the reminder today that I should be turning to you for the strength and grace to make it through the day. When I am weary and tired, and just at the end of my rope, it is not coffee that I need, it is you, only you. Please give me that extra dose of grace I need today, Lord, so that I may too have the strength to show grace and love to my family. Amen.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Two become one
My husband and I just celebrated our 7 year anniversary (but 13 years total if you include our dating years). The years have gone by so fast and they have been filled with many blessings and joys, but also many tests and challenges. Our marriage is anything from perfect because we are imperfect individuals. We have had our share of battles, some fought loudly and fiercely with hurtful words thrown at each other (and sometimes a few objects as well). Some other battles have been more subtle, evidenced by periods of self-imposed silence while tip-toeing around emotional mine fields.
Yet, through it all, our love endures and it grows stronger with each passing day. However, this love is not the love that we originally had for each other. It is not the infatuated kind demonstrated in the early years of courting and dating. It is a deeper, committed love that is a result of years of going through trials together and years of forgiving and forgetting faults committed by the other. It is a love that demonstrates a daily choice to love the other person above all others despite his/ her flaws and differences. It is a love that is a testament to the Lord's grace working on and through us.
As I reflect on our marriage, I know we have grown a great deal, but I also know that we have a lifetime of growth ahead of us. We have learned many lessons together, but I also know God will teach us many more if we let him. When we said our vows, we acknowledged that through marriage, "two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one (Matt. 19:5)." This doesn't mean that we lose our own identities, becoming some sort of strange hybrid -- some of his traits, some of her traits. . . It means to become one in a highly intimate way, including physical and emotional. But more than this, I realized, is that "two becoming one" happens when two people are working together, seeking and acting on God's will and purpose in their lives. For God has a plan not just for each of us as individuals, but if married, he has a plan for us as a couple. If we have children this means that he has a plan for us also as parents. It is working as a unified couple, unified parental unit. . . God's plans for us as individuals, couples, and parents, can and do overlap often, but there are also defining features to each. We have to seek God's wisdom to discern the distinct lines. Most of all, we need to pray for God to bless our marriages so that we can truly become one in all the ways he intended us to be.
Yet, through it all, our love endures and it grows stronger with each passing day. However, this love is not the love that we originally had for each other. It is not the infatuated kind demonstrated in the early years of courting and dating. It is a deeper, committed love that is a result of years of going through trials together and years of forgiving and forgetting faults committed by the other. It is a love that demonstrates a daily choice to love the other person above all others despite his/ her flaws and differences. It is a love that is a testament to the Lord's grace working on and through us.
As I reflect on our marriage, I know we have grown a great deal, but I also know that we have a lifetime of growth ahead of us. We have learned many lessons together, but I also know God will teach us many more if we let him. When we said our vows, we acknowledged that through marriage, "two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one (Matt. 19:5)." This doesn't mean that we lose our own identities, becoming some sort of strange hybrid -- some of his traits, some of her traits. . . It means to become one in a highly intimate way, including physical and emotional. But more than this, I realized, is that "two becoming one" happens when two people are working together, seeking and acting on God's will and purpose in their lives. For God has a plan not just for each of us as individuals, but if married, he has a plan for us as a couple. If we have children this means that he has a plan for us also as parents. It is working as a unified couple, unified parental unit. . . God's plans for us as individuals, couples, and parents, can and do overlap often, but there are also defining features to each. We have to seek God's wisdom to discern the distinct lines. Most of all, we need to pray for God to bless our marriages so that we can truly become one in all the ways he intended us to be.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Silence
The kids are in bed early. . . The dog is sleeping. . . The husband is still out. . . The house is silent. How I enjoy these times! With two young kids and an extroverted husband, absolute silence is rare. As much as I love talking and spending time with my family and friends, I know that as an introvert I greatly need times of silence to rest and recharge.
It is ironic that being a lover of silence, it has taken me years to fully appreciate God's silence and what it means. In the past, as a relatively new Christian, I equated God's presence with actively hearing his voice in my life or with his clear answers to prayers. I knew that as a Christian I would undergo trials and tests, either as consequences of my own sinful nature or as direct tests from God challenging me to grow and mature. Yet I did not understand those times when God was silent. Sometimes I would pray fervently about something and would hear nothing. I wish I could say I persevered all those times and that I stood the tests, but that would be a lie. My faith wavered quite a lot during those early years. If things went well, I would be praising God! If things went bad, I would be like David crying out, "O God, do not keep silent, be not quiet, O God, be not still!" (Psalm 83:1) Or like Job, "Though I cry, I've been wronged! I get no response; though I call for help, there is no justice." (Job 19:7). Then my insecurities would begin to attack and I would lose confidence. I would start thinking that perhaps God didn't care about me. Perhaps he wasn't listening.
I realize now that I was wrong in assuming these things. God never stops caring! And as believers, Christ walks with us each day of our lives and we have the Holy Spirit guiding us. We are never alone anymore. Consequently, God's silence does not mean apathy and indifference because he is never far from us. Instead, his silence is itself a response. In the same way that his Words are purposeful, His silence also has a purpose. Silence tests our faith. How much do we trust him? How much confidence do we have in his love? How secure are we in knowing that he is there ready to catch us if we fall? Think of the example of a father teaching his child to walk or ride a bike for the first time. The loving father will always be behind just in case of a stumble. If the child doubts his father's presence and keeps looking back at each step, his feet will falter. Yet, if the child is confident in his father's loving support, he will look straight ahead and take off on his own, knowing he does not need to look back to see his father there behind him. God is our Holy Father and he loves us more than we will ever know. His love is unfathomable because he loved us so much he sacrificed his son for us. That kind of love will shelter and support us unconditionally. Just as a parent steps back occasionally and lets a child learn to take steps, so too God steps back in silence so that we can use that time to learn. Silence is a time to learn about ourselves and about his character and our relationship with him.
It has been weeks since I last wrote a blog post. Having dedicated this blog to God and his purposes, I was a bit anxious about why I was not feeling inspired to write anything. I had not experienced this type of "writer's block" before. I never knew the topics I would write about ahead of time, but usually my inspiration would come from a trial or event in my life. I would hear a clear voice, distinguishable from my own, giving me the theme. For weeks I have been worried that I was missing His voice. Was I not seeking him enough and therefore not hearing him? A few days ago I read a devotional that really convicted me. It was on Galatians 3:3, "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" Having not heard any inspiring themes from God, I was starting a list of topics to write on my own, but I was having difficulty because my thoughts were not flowing nicely as they usually do when I write. So I rightly took that as a sign that I was writing about the wrong topics. Then today while researching scripture, I had an epiphany: God has blessed me with the gift of silence. What can I learn from this? God's silence is purposeful and powerful. What I need to do is trust in His will, not my own. There is a perfect timing for everything (Ecclesiastes 3) and only God knows it. If he hasn't spoken clearly to me, there is a reason to wait for his direction. Instead of relying on my own efforts, I need to be patient through the silence and be open to seeking His Word, learning more of His Will, and submitting to it with absolute obedience.
Silences can sometimes be awkward, especially among people we don't know well. But have you ever thought about how comforting it is to be with someone who has known you for years with whom you can just sit in silence and not have to speak? That's a sign of intimacy. What I realized this week was that my relationship with God has moved to a point where silence can actually be comforting. I no longer worry that he's not there and not listening. I know he is. What I realized this time is that his silence is a blessing because through it I have learned a valuable lesson about myself, patience, and how better to serve him. Thank you, Lord, for your gift of silence these past few weeks.
It is ironic that being a lover of silence, it has taken me years to fully appreciate God's silence and what it means. In the past, as a relatively new Christian, I equated God's presence with actively hearing his voice in my life or with his clear answers to prayers. I knew that as a Christian I would undergo trials and tests, either as consequences of my own sinful nature or as direct tests from God challenging me to grow and mature. Yet I did not understand those times when God was silent. Sometimes I would pray fervently about something and would hear nothing. I wish I could say I persevered all those times and that I stood the tests, but that would be a lie. My faith wavered quite a lot during those early years. If things went well, I would be praising God! If things went bad, I would be like David crying out, "O God, do not keep silent, be not quiet, O God, be not still!" (Psalm 83:1) Or like Job, "Though I cry, I've been wronged! I get no response; though I call for help, there is no justice." (Job 19:7). Then my insecurities would begin to attack and I would lose confidence. I would start thinking that perhaps God didn't care about me. Perhaps he wasn't listening.
I realize now that I was wrong in assuming these things. God never stops caring! And as believers, Christ walks with us each day of our lives and we have the Holy Spirit guiding us. We are never alone anymore. Consequently, God's silence does not mean apathy and indifference because he is never far from us. Instead, his silence is itself a response. In the same way that his Words are purposeful, His silence also has a purpose. Silence tests our faith. How much do we trust him? How much confidence do we have in his love? How secure are we in knowing that he is there ready to catch us if we fall? Think of the example of a father teaching his child to walk or ride a bike for the first time. The loving father will always be behind just in case of a stumble. If the child doubts his father's presence and keeps looking back at each step, his feet will falter. Yet, if the child is confident in his father's loving support, he will look straight ahead and take off on his own, knowing he does not need to look back to see his father there behind him. God is our Holy Father and he loves us more than we will ever know. His love is unfathomable because he loved us so much he sacrificed his son for us. That kind of love will shelter and support us unconditionally. Just as a parent steps back occasionally and lets a child learn to take steps, so too God steps back in silence so that we can use that time to learn. Silence is a time to learn about ourselves and about his character and our relationship with him.
It has been weeks since I last wrote a blog post. Having dedicated this blog to God and his purposes, I was a bit anxious about why I was not feeling inspired to write anything. I had not experienced this type of "writer's block" before. I never knew the topics I would write about ahead of time, but usually my inspiration would come from a trial or event in my life. I would hear a clear voice, distinguishable from my own, giving me the theme. For weeks I have been worried that I was missing His voice. Was I not seeking him enough and therefore not hearing him? A few days ago I read a devotional that really convicted me. It was on Galatians 3:3, "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" Having not heard any inspiring themes from God, I was starting a list of topics to write on my own, but I was having difficulty because my thoughts were not flowing nicely as they usually do when I write. So I rightly took that as a sign that I was writing about the wrong topics. Then today while researching scripture, I had an epiphany: God has blessed me with the gift of silence. What can I learn from this? God's silence is purposeful and powerful. What I need to do is trust in His will, not my own. There is a perfect timing for everything (Ecclesiastes 3) and only God knows it. If he hasn't spoken clearly to me, there is a reason to wait for his direction. Instead of relying on my own efforts, I need to be patient through the silence and be open to seeking His Word, learning more of His Will, and submitting to it with absolute obedience.
Silences can sometimes be awkward, especially among people we don't know well. But have you ever thought about how comforting it is to be with someone who has known you for years with whom you can just sit in silence and not have to speak? That's a sign of intimacy. What I realized this week was that my relationship with God has moved to a point where silence can actually be comforting. I no longer worry that he's not there and not listening. I know he is. What I realized this time is that his silence is a blessing because through it I have learned a valuable lesson about myself, patience, and how better to serve him. Thank you, Lord, for your gift of silence these past few weeks.
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