Redeeming Vulnerability and Weakness: A continuation of Love, Mess, and Laundry

Yesterday I wrote a piece that I think has been my most raw and candid one to date.   I wrote of a moment of complete weakness and vulnerability.  It happened a couple of weeks ago, and since then I have felt the Spirit urging me to put it down on paper everyday.   I kept postponing it.  It was excuse after excuse.  I would say, "There is no time."  The Spirit would say, "Yes there is, if only you would find it."  I would respond, "But the kids are in bed.  Now I can finally relax."  The Spirit would answer, "Write now and then rest in Me later."  Everyday it would be this back and forth.  I would be in bed drifting off to sleep but the words I was meant to write down would keep churning and churning in my mind.  I'd ignore them. . . Until yesterday. . .  

If I am to be completely honest with myself and with you, I have to admit that I kept postponing because I was afraid.  Not necessarily because I am afraid of what people may think.  After all, most of my friends and acquaintances know me enough to know that I love Jesus and I don't shy away from sharing my faith.  Most people are also familiar with my testimony, that is, that I used to be depressed and suicidal.  So why was I so hesitant to write this time?  I think it was because somehow this felt much more vulnerable.  It was giving people a glimpse into a moment of my complete brokenness.   It was a glimpse into the warfare that rages inside of me.  I believe the Apostle Paul describes this the best when he wrote in Romans 7:15-23,  "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. . .  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.   So I find this law at work:  When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am!"

This war within is so real.  And I find that as I grow in my faith, the war becomes even  more intense.  I think that is because as I grow and mature in faith, I am in God's Word more. I know Him more intimately.  I grow more in love with my Savior, Jesus.  As this love grows, my wants and desires become more closely aligned with what His will is for my life.  Yet, there is that sinful nature in me that holds on to the past and fights for dominance and screams all the more loudly to be heard.  Overall, by walking and living by the Spirit, the good and light hold mastery over the sin and darkness.   But sometimes, as in that moment on the floor sobbing with laundry everywhere around me, the enemy forces temporarily gain favor. What wretchedness!

Yet, there is hope and triumph in Jesus.  Whatever your circumstances, whatever the mess is in your life, there is nothing that the Lord can not overcome.  The Apostle Paul of all people was shunned and persecuted for his faith and sharing what he believed in.  His life was way messier than the mess in my life. From day to day he did not know where he'd sleep; if he'd eat; if he was going to be imprisoned again or killed.   In Romans 7:24 Paul says, "Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!"  In Romans 8 he continues, "Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of Life set me free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.  And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit."  Paul's hope was in Jesus.  Our hope is in Jesus.

In my moment of weakness, my hope was in Jesus.   I was not eloquent in prayer.  I could not even begin to describe what was happening or what it was that I needed.  But the Lord knew.  All I needed to do was call out His name, and that was enough.  Because, "The Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express (Romans 8:26)."   

I study and look at the Apostle Paul's life and I am so encouraged.  The circumstances of my life are nothing in comparison.  I don't know the circumstances of your life.  Some of you are probably dealing with a lot more than you ever thought you could handle.   Maybe it's the death of a loved one; maybe illness and sickness of your children; maybe a struggling relationship; maybe financial difficulties. . . Whatever it is, I encourage you to take heart in this:  With the Lord Jesus, nothing will ever be too much.    His grace is truly sufficient to carry us through any crisis or hard times.  And his promise is that his power will be perfected in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  Think and ponder on that for a moment. . .   His POWER is PERFECTED in our WEAKNESS.   What does this mean? The second part of 2 Corinthians 12:9 states, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  I have wrestled with this statement in the past.  It doesn't mean that we should brag or shout for joy about our weak moments.  Rather, what I think it means is to be glad that in our weak moments we feel Christ's power.   For me, when I am weak, I feel the Lord's strength IN me the MOST.  It means that His strength will be what picks me up off the floor, not my own.  It means that it will be His hands that embrace me and love me when I am weak and can barely love myself.  It means it is okay to be weak sometimes -- it is the nature of being human in this fallen world.  Yet, if we allow the Spirit to work in us, our weakest struggling moments can also be our most defining and self-transforming.   And, if we obey Him and follow Him, our weakest times can also become powerful testimony for the Lord's work in our lives.  How exciting and humbling it is that the Lord can use our broken moments, and the messiest parts of our lives to glorify God?  

I don't think I'm particularly eloquent or gifted in writing (or speaking for that matter).   And, Lord knows I am not always grammatically correct either.  But for reasons beyond me, the Lord pushed me to write a blog.  It's nothing fancy as you can see.  I am not tech savvy, good at graphic design, marketing, or publishing, so I am so thankful that Blogger has an easy template I can follow.  Even in this age of social media, I really only subscribe to Facebook, so I don't know much about hash tags. . .  I do not blog to draw attention to myself, and I have no desire to really make this a bigger thing than it is.   For me, writing is out of obedience to God and what the Spirit stirs in my heart and prompts me to share.  I share with you because I believe the Lord calls me to do so.  I don't even know who really reads this blog unless they happen to comment on Facebook.  Nonetheless, writing makes me feel so vulnerable.  Yet, I am learning that it is okay to be vulnerable.  In obeying and writing, I am growing in my own faith walk by sharing bits and pieces of my testimony and lessons I am learning along the way.  I trust and pray that the Lord uses my vulnerability and weakness to encourage or support anyone who may need it --  in whatever way they need it.   With that said, I encourage you to not be afraid of vulnerability or weakness either.  The Lord can redeem it and use it to draw you closer to him, and use it perhaps in ways you never even expected.  

Thanks for reading! 

  

    

Love, Mess, and Laundry

Recently a friend said to me, "I am not good with emotions."  I replied, "I think that is true of all of us." She seemed surprised and said something along the lines of, "No.  I think you are really good with emotions." I was really struck by her comment for several reasons.  First of all, it made me pause and think about what it means to be good at emotions.  Does being good with emotions mean good at managing negative feelings when they arise?  Not ever crying or showing emotional upset?  Good at sharing feelings with others?  I never got the chance to really ask for clarification.  Regardless, it was the comparative context in which the words were used that really struck me.  She was implying that she lacked something that I had.  Interesting. What could this be?  Is she right?   I don't think so.

Those of you who know me, I hope that I don't come across as having it all figured out, or that I have "it together."  If I have come across as such, I humbly and sincerely apologize.  That would be hypocritical of me.  I do not have it figured out.  I do not have my act wholly together.  I struggle just like the rest of you, especially with regards to feelings.  I feel too much, which in and of itself isn't bad, but I will admit that I let those emotions rule me too often and that is not good.  I would describe myself as a very emotional person.  I have learned over the years to perhaps control my emotions outwardly, but internally stormy waters are usually stirring.  In Christ I have changed a lot.  In so many ways I am a new creature, transformed into a better version of myself -- hopefully a version He can more fully use for His purposes.  But my transformation is not complete yet.  It will not be until the day the Lord returns.  I still struggle with feelings of hurt, resentment, and anger from my childhood and young adult years.  I still am learning to forgive and forget past wrongs done to me.  I am still learning to show more grace to those around me.   I am still learning not to bottle up my emotions, making things worse when they threaten to boil over.  There are moments when I forget to put on my spiritual armor, and those are the moments that I feel the enemy attack and use my emotions against me.  Before I know it, I lose my footing and I am swirling deep in a sea of emotions so powerful and so overwhelming that they threaten to engulf me and drag me under.   These are moments when I am most fearful.  Yet, these are also the moments when I feel the presence of Jesus by me the most.

Recently we had a family wedding reception to attend.  I am an introvert at heart.  I dread any large gatherings.  They make me incredibly self-conscious and anxious.  I dread large family gatherings most of all. Don't get me wrong.  I love my family.  I truly do.  But for me, when it comes to family there are a lot of mixed emotions related to the past.   Also, family can be so critical sometimes -- not because they mean to be hurtful, but because they can be so brutally honest.  I have put on a bit of weight this winter.  From day to day I really don't think too much of it because I am comfy in my sweat pants, leggings or baggy clothes.  I am at home with the kids and there really isn't a need (nor time) to really spruce myself up during the week.   I knew I needed to try and look semi-decent for this family wedding.  I knew some people would inevitably comment on my weight (and pinch my arm fat); ask about if I am pregnant (which I am not) because I still have a post-baby belly pooch; or comment on my parenting.  Even though my rational self was telling me not to be anxious, I could not help it.  I stressed over what my kids should wear and what I should wear that would appear slimming and flattering.  About 45 minutes before we needed to leave, I found myself on the floor in our bedroom, in the middle of an enormous pile of unfolded clean laundry (that had been sitting in our bedroom for a few days, but that is another story).  I had emptied about 4 large baskets, so the floor was completely covered, and I was in the middle of this heap, throwing things around, desperately searching for black tights for my girls to wear.  I must have looked like a madwoman.  The stress and pressure of this event on top of the usual circumstances of life -- as crazy as it sounds -- seriously sent me into a full blown anxiety attack that I have not had in a very long time.   I remember sobbing hysterically that I couldn't find the tights in the mess and then I became paralyzed.  I just sat there crying, looking at the overwhelming laundry, feeling the weight of not measuring up to perceived expectations, and finally whispered through my tears, "Jesus, Lord, Help!"

That was when my husband appeared in our bedroom.  He looked at me and asked, "How can I help?"  I did not know how to respond to him.  I just looked all around me in bewilderment, still sobbing.  I seriously didn't know how to begin.  For you see, it was more than the wedding.  It was more than the laundry.  The messy laundry pile was just a metaphor for the messiness of life.  Emotions are messy. They are powerful and they take us by surprise sometimes and it's like we are swept up in a flood that makes it hard for us to see dry land.  I was sobbing because I knew that it was irrational for me to be on that floor in such distress.  I was crying because I was mad at myself for feeling this way.  I was crying because I was ashamed that I again let Satan make me lose my footing.  I sat there crying because I knew I should not be ashamed when I am in Christ -- that there is no condemnation in Christ.  I sat in despair because relationships are messy. My husband and I had had a couple of really hard weeks of bickering and disagreements.   I was tearful because of the messiness of parenting.  I love my children but raising, shaping, and molding little individuals who have strong independent wills is so exhausting.   My patience wears thin and I often lose my temper and then feel like a bad mother.  It seemed like an eternity as I sat there, not knowing how to get up.

Without further words, my husband came close and began to pick up the laundry, bit by bit, and relocated it to our bed.  Even as I still sat on the floor, slowly bit by bit I saw our carpet again. . . and it was as if bit by bit I was seeing dry ground again.  I said to my husband, "why did you just move it to the bed, it's still a mess up there."  Gently, my husband said to me, "I moved it out of your way for now so you can get up, and tonight and tomorrow I will help you to fold all the laundry." Miraculously he had even found the tights the girls needed to wear, so he went to help get them dressed.  It struck me then that my prayer had been answered.  In that moment, my husband demonstrated to me true love.   He illustrated how true love finds us in our mess, rescues us, saves us, and embraces us.   True love helps us to overcome our obstacles by sharing our burdens.  True love sets us free from our own self-inflicted chains of fear, worry, anxiety, anger, and depression.  True love redeems us.

My husband is my earthly true love, yet even his love pales in comparison to Jesus Christ's love for me. Christ is the ultimate True Love of our lives.  Christ laid down his life for us on the cross.  He died so that we could be set free from sin.  If we believe in him we do not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).  Jesus did this out of the purest, truest, most selfless love to demonstrate God's love for us.  In that moment, on the floor, in the mess, Jesus used my husband to bring me back to the light and remind me of how truly loved I am and how He is there to help me shoulder the burdens of this life.  He said to me, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28).  He can do this for you too, if you would only let him.  I pray that you will.