The last time I wrote, I wrote about being patient waiting for the Lord's timing. I wrote about being in the "waiting room." After writing that post I felt at a good place. I felt at peace and reassured that God was in control. . . . Unfortunately, that peace lasted only a few days. . . I am still in that waiting room and the past few days I have grown anxious. It is not God's fault. He is ever faithful! Instead, I have realized today that my lack of peace is a consequence of my own weakness. More on that later. First let me fill you in on the events leading up to this personal revelation.
Obviously baby #3 still has not arrived -- despite many false alarms. In fact, last night we were in the ER because we thought my waters had broken. After having emptied myself (so I thought) in the restroom, I lay down hoping to fall asleep early. Feeling wetness, I stood up. The baby moved abruptly and oddly. Immediately afterwards, I felt a huge gush of liquid come out wetting my pants and legs. I have never had my waters break at home. With my past two pregnancies, my waters have broken only after the onset of labor and by the doctor. Needless to say, I was a bit panicked. We paged our doctor on call and while waiting for her to call back I continued to feel trickling wetness. . . We thought for sure this was it! The doctor called and told us to come into the hospital to get checked out. We got my neighbor to stay at our house until the in-laws came. The girls were thankfully asleep in their room. After an hour or so at the hospital we were sent home. The test was negative for amniotic fluid. I was embarrassed to learn that it was probably just my own urine and that I had lost control of my bladder and peed on myself! They thought perhaps the baby was positioned in such a way that it's sudden and strong movements caused the sudden gush and trickling wetness I felt.
They discharged me from the hospital and on the way home I found myself irritated, upset, and taking my frustrations out on my poor husband. I found myself yelling and saying nonsensical things and crying. . . He reminded me that my reaction (although partly attributable to hormones) was evidence that I had not fully surrendered myself to God and His will and timing for this pregnancy, labor, and delivery. My husband reminded me that I needed to practice what I preach and live and behave like the Christian I am meant to be, especially during these times of trial. He reminded me to focus on what God could be trying to teach me with this experience. In my state of mind and mood, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I am ashamed to even think or write about how I responded to his gentle rebuke! But after pondering it, the Holy Spirit truly convicted me. I hate to admit it, but my husband was right. I ended up apologizing to him and he showed me much grace and love -- more than I probably deserved after all that I said.
In failing to be steadfast and focused on the Lord, I failed on two fronts. First, I let down my spiritual guard and allowed my emotions to get the better of me. I let sinful anger enter into my heart, speech and action. Worse of all, the sin was directed at my loving husband who did not deserve any of it. Second, instead of surrendering completely to God's will, in my impatience I was holding on tightly to my notions of how things should be. After three weeks of bedrest and a hard third trimester, I was ready to have this baby! I wanted the timing to be NOW! On our way to the ER last night I had prayed, "Lord, please let labor and delivery go well. Please let the baby be healthy. . ." I was disappointed and angry because I believed in my head that this trip to the ER was it. I was going to be admitted and the baby would come. There was no where in my plan for me to be sent home! I was so focused on praying for the course of events that I wanted to happen, I failed to seek God's will and pray for his will to be done rather than my own. I failed to pray for the patience to accept his will, whatever the outcome.
Outwardly I had people convinced that I had given up control and was waiting patiently for the Lord. I even convinced myself. But God knew better. He knows the state of our true heart even if we delude ourselves and others. The state of my heart was apparent after last night's ER visit and today's visit with the doctor. I harbored disappointment, frustration, anxiety and even some anger when things did not go my way.
My CBS (Community Bible Study) leader reminded me of a verse that I will definitely commit to memory. She reminded me of Isaiah 26:3-4 that says, "You (God) will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal." God is steady as a rock. His nature does not change. He is peace and comfort. If I am not at peace, that is not his doing. It is my own. It is my own fault for not trusting him completely enough to let go of my control issues. It is my own fault for losing sight of Him and holding my mind steadfast and focused on Him and his faithfulness. I am reminded of all those times when I have been able to completely reach out to him in brokenness and complete surrender and say, "Lord, you know best! I cannot do this on my own! I need you. I need your peace. I need your grace. I am weak, you are strong! Whatever your plans are for me, let your will be done and not my own. And please give me the strength to accept your will, whatever it may be." In those moments, He has been faithful and fulfilled all His promises to my family and blessed us abundantly more than we ever expected.
I don't know where you are in your faith and spiritual walk, but let me encourage you to trust in the Lord as I am learning to do daily. To trust in the Lord daily means to put our life in his hands, allowing him to steer and lead us with his firm hand. It is a daily surrendering and "dying" of ourselves as we submit to him in every aspect of our lives. It is difficult to do -- I am a prime example of that! But it's so worth it to gain the peace that he offers so wholeheartedly and so freely.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
In the Waiting Room
It is 3:00 AM. Why am I up and writing? Insomnia aside, I'm up and writing at this hour because prior to going to bed I felt the Lord urging me to write since I have not done so in a while. I felt him prompting me to write about my experiences these past few weeks in the "waiting room." The waiting room I am referring to is the place where we as humans often sit and are asked to wait on the Lord. Much like the doctor's office, it can be a restless place. When will it be my turn? When will my name be called? It could be mere minutes or on certain frustrating occasions it can stretch to a half hour, an hour or even longer.
I have been in this waiting room for several weeks now. . . I began dilating and having contractions around 31 weeks. The contractions were occurring frequently and regularly and episodes would last for up to several hours each night. There was some concern that I might go into preterm labor so my OB doctor ordered bedrest at 32 weeks. Those of you who have multiple children know how hard this is to do. Children still have daily needs that have to be met and you have to meet them even while technically on "bedrest." Thankfully we received a lot of help from kind neighbors, friends, and family. They helped to drive my children to school and various activities, bring meals so I did not have to get up much to cook, and provided the girls with entertainment in the form of playdates. My mother-in-law even came for a few days to help with chores around the house and taking care of the girls. We felt very blessed by all the love and help.
Three weeks of bedrest was tough but I obeyed orders to the best of my ability because I did not want the baby to come prematurely and have to be in the NICU or have other complications related to premature birth. We prayed for the baby to stay put for a few more weeks til it was safer for it to come out. We prayed for patience for me while on bedrest and being unable to do the things I normally do. We prayed for peace about accepting God's timing. And all the while we waited. . . There were several "false alarms" due to contractions and we would think, "Ok, this is it! It's time!" We experienced anxiety, excitement, and anticipation. . . When will the baby come? Any minute! But then another day would pass, then a week, two weeks, and still nothing. . .
Now I am safely at 36 weeks and officially off bedrest. Praise God! But I am still in that waiting room. It would seem that I served my time on bedrest well because it slowed down the labor progress. As of Monday there had been some change with effacement and dilation, indicating that my body is indeed prepping for labor, but not as much as we had feared. So it's still up in the air when this baby will arrive. The doctor said it could be days, another week, or maybe even two. Hard to say because every woman and pregnancy is different. Today I was experiencing a lot of contractions and there was a point again when I thought, "This could be it! I might have a leap day baby (born on Feb. 29th would mean a birthday only every 4 years!)." But eventually the contractions subsided. Then I woke up tonight with several more contractions that have since also subsided. . . I'm glad the baby and I have made it this long together, but I have to admit I am ready for pregnancy to be over! I want to meet the face of my sweet babe and hold him or her! I am praying very hard to maintain peace during this time and to stay patient. I also pray that I am learning the lessons that God intends for me to learn during this trial.
What I have learned is that waiting is more than a fact of life -- it is a spiritual discipline. Some scriptures that speak on this topic:
Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. . . Do not fret -- it leads only to evildoing. . . those who wait patiently for the Lord will inherit the land. (Psalm 37:7-9)
Be still and know I am God! (Psalm 46:10)
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks him. (Lamentations 3:25)
Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, the will walk not not be faint. (Isaiah 40-31)
Waiting is hard, but it is a test of patience. Waiting is an act of the will and an act of obedience to God and at the end of the journey we are richly blessed. As we wait, we learn that our self-efforts are futile. We continue to take care of the tasks and responsibilities that God has given to us and we do not sit idle. However, we learn that the larger things are out of our hands and control. We learn that God is in control of it all and he has a plan for us that is better than what we have for ourselves. As we wait we gain confidence and trust in the Lord to provide for us all that we need. We experience more appropriate anticipation and expectation as we realize that whatever will come will be His gift to us according to his perfect timing. "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end (Ecclesiastes 4:6)." Time for God is different than time for us. He sees everything, past, present and future. And things that are to occur in our life have been written in his book long before they even came to be. As humans we cannot even fathom all of his ways. We might get glimpses of his will here and there and because of that we can trust that he has our good in mind. This baby will come soon and in due time. What a miracle and blessing that will be! So why do I need to fret? Why do I need to be anxious? I need to rest assured that he/ she will arrive beautifully in its time ordained by God himself. Yes, I am still in the waiting room, but my name will be called very, very soon indeed! Meanwhile, all I need do is wait and take care of the things that I can take care of (e.g., pack my bags).
Perhaps you are in the waiting room also. Are you waiting for a new job? Are you waiting to be pregnant and have a baby of your own? Are you waiting for your beloved to propose and take the plunge into marriage? Are you waiting for your house to sell or maybe a contract on a new home to come through? Where ever you are in your waiting process, I hope this post has encouraged you. Trust in Him. He is ever faithful -- more than we deserve! If it is in His will, it will be your turn soon. Your name will be called and when it is called, rest assured it will be in his perfect timing! But of course, sometimes your name may not be called and that may mean that you are in the wrong waiting room. Pray for his wisdom and guidance during those times to lead you to the right waiting room.
I have been in this waiting room for several weeks now. . . I began dilating and having contractions around 31 weeks. The contractions were occurring frequently and regularly and episodes would last for up to several hours each night. There was some concern that I might go into preterm labor so my OB doctor ordered bedrest at 32 weeks. Those of you who have multiple children know how hard this is to do. Children still have daily needs that have to be met and you have to meet them even while technically on "bedrest." Thankfully we received a lot of help from kind neighbors, friends, and family. They helped to drive my children to school and various activities, bring meals so I did not have to get up much to cook, and provided the girls with entertainment in the form of playdates. My mother-in-law even came for a few days to help with chores around the house and taking care of the girls. We felt very blessed by all the love and help.
Three weeks of bedrest was tough but I obeyed orders to the best of my ability because I did not want the baby to come prematurely and have to be in the NICU or have other complications related to premature birth. We prayed for the baby to stay put for a few more weeks til it was safer for it to come out. We prayed for patience for me while on bedrest and being unable to do the things I normally do. We prayed for peace about accepting God's timing. And all the while we waited. . . There were several "false alarms" due to contractions and we would think, "Ok, this is it! It's time!" We experienced anxiety, excitement, and anticipation. . . When will the baby come? Any minute! But then another day would pass, then a week, two weeks, and still nothing. . .
Now I am safely at 36 weeks and officially off bedrest. Praise God! But I am still in that waiting room. It would seem that I served my time on bedrest well because it slowed down the labor progress. As of Monday there had been some change with effacement and dilation, indicating that my body is indeed prepping for labor, but not as much as we had feared. So it's still up in the air when this baby will arrive. The doctor said it could be days, another week, or maybe even two. Hard to say because every woman and pregnancy is different. Today I was experiencing a lot of contractions and there was a point again when I thought, "This could be it! I might have a leap day baby (born on Feb. 29th would mean a birthday only every 4 years!)." But eventually the contractions subsided. Then I woke up tonight with several more contractions that have since also subsided. . . I'm glad the baby and I have made it this long together, but I have to admit I am ready for pregnancy to be over! I want to meet the face of my sweet babe and hold him or her! I am praying very hard to maintain peace during this time and to stay patient. I also pray that I am learning the lessons that God intends for me to learn during this trial.
What I have learned is that waiting is more than a fact of life -- it is a spiritual discipline. Some scriptures that speak on this topic:
Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. . . Do not fret -- it leads only to evildoing. . . those who wait patiently for the Lord will inherit the land. (Psalm 37:7-9)
Be still and know I am God! (Psalm 46:10)
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks him. (Lamentations 3:25)
Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, the will walk not not be faint. (Isaiah 40-31)
Waiting is hard, but it is a test of patience. Waiting is an act of the will and an act of obedience to God and at the end of the journey we are richly blessed. As we wait, we learn that our self-efforts are futile. We continue to take care of the tasks and responsibilities that God has given to us and we do not sit idle. However, we learn that the larger things are out of our hands and control. We learn that God is in control of it all and he has a plan for us that is better than what we have for ourselves. As we wait we gain confidence and trust in the Lord to provide for us all that we need. We experience more appropriate anticipation and expectation as we realize that whatever will come will be His gift to us according to his perfect timing. "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end (Ecclesiastes 4:6)." Time for God is different than time for us. He sees everything, past, present and future. And things that are to occur in our life have been written in his book long before they even came to be. As humans we cannot even fathom all of his ways. We might get glimpses of his will here and there and because of that we can trust that he has our good in mind. This baby will come soon and in due time. What a miracle and blessing that will be! So why do I need to fret? Why do I need to be anxious? I need to rest assured that he/ she will arrive beautifully in its time ordained by God himself. Yes, I am still in the waiting room, but my name will be called very, very soon indeed! Meanwhile, all I need do is wait and take care of the things that I can take care of (e.g., pack my bags).
Perhaps you are in the waiting room also. Are you waiting for a new job? Are you waiting to be pregnant and have a baby of your own? Are you waiting for your beloved to propose and take the plunge into marriage? Are you waiting for your house to sell or maybe a contract on a new home to come through? Where ever you are in your waiting process, I hope this post has encouraged you. Trust in Him. He is ever faithful -- more than we deserve! If it is in His will, it will be your turn soon. Your name will be called and when it is called, rest assured it will be in his perfect timing! But of course, sometimes your name may not be called and that may mean that you are in the wrong waiting room. Pray for his wisdom and guidance during those times to lead you to the right waiting room.
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