How do I fail? It's because I try to help the person the way I think they should be helped. I give advice and I suggest solutions to their "problem." My intentions are good, but quite simply I think I often miss the mark. Jesus gives us the Golden Rule when he says, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Matthew 7:12; Luke 6:31). I have realized that I often fall into the same trap I accuse my husband of. I hate it when I am upset about something and my husband comes in and tries to "fix" it instead of just listening to me. I love him dearly and he is a wonderful man, but he definitely always tries to solve my "issues" rather than empathizing with them and comforting me the way I want to be comforted in the moment, which is simply to feel his strong arms around me and his reassuring presence. So if that is the way I want to be treated, I am sure others feel the same way when they are going through problems! But alas, despite all the years of training as a therapist I still often fall short of delivering what they need. Instead of my advice and solutions they want to be reassured by my presence. The best thing I can do for them is be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and comforting arms to embrace.
Recently, my mother has gone though a personal crisis and she reached out to my brother, husband, and I for help. There is a lot of history and unfortunate baggage between my mother, brother, and I. There are lots of old wounds that haven't necessarily been addressed and definitely haven't been healed. I think those wounds made it all the more difficult to be unbiased "ears" listening. I love my mother dearly and I pray for her everyday. But I often lose my temper with her and get frustrated and annoyed with her. Anyways, in this case, I found myself giving too much advice (however sound) and then getting frustrated that she was not taking it! I remember at one point during our meeting my brother, bless his heart, said to me, "Amy, show more compassion!" I was definitely humbled by that reminder. But ironically, later he also lost his cool with her and fell into the same trap as I did. The only one who remained patient and impartial was my dear husband. In the following days, my brother and I both felt ashamed and discussed how we felt the Holy Spirit convicting us and telling us we needed to work on demonstrating love and compassion.
Then at CBS (Community Bible Study) the other day, our speaker was a woman who shared how God helped to open her eyes and her heart, and enable her to begin to restore her relationship with her father (who has been an emotionally controlling man to her mother and siblings). God helped her to realize that her father was a broken man with many scars that still have not healed. The very things that make it difficult for her to love and respect him are the very same reasons that she should! He was in need of love and compassion, as much, if not more than she herself. Hearing her testimony, I was brought to tears. I realized that in the same way, I needed to pour love and compassion onto my mother!!! It reminded me that I too am a broken person who struggled with depression and darkness, and that God's mercy, love, and compassion were what changed my life and enabled me to be here today, sharing my story.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us."
Today I experienced another powerful, convicting reminder about what true love is. My oldest daughter had preschool so I had planned on going with my younger daughter to a Moms Club event. I used to be very active in the club, even on the board as Membership VP. But in the past couple of years our schedules have become too busy with school and other activities for me to be as active. I wanted to go in order to catch up with old friends and meet new ones. I then remembered that my church was having a MOPS (mother's of preschoolers) meeting and I had been meaning to try it out. As I was driving, I thought to myself, I'd rather go to the Moms Club event. I'll just try out MOPS next month. But somehow I couldn't shake the feeling I needed to go to the MOPS meeting today. So I obeyed and went.
The speakers at MOPS today were great and were talking about marriage and relationships. One thing they said that really stuck with me is this: Love is when you do for someone what they most need even if they do not deserve it. That really hit home. I often tell my husband, "I know I'm being emotional and whiny and mean right now, and I'm a mess because I've been crying, but I really just want you to hug me!" I don't deserve a hug in those moments because of how I tend to take things out on him when I am upset, but he hugs me anyways even while I try to push him away. When my kids get upset and throw tantrums, I have found that even while they are kicking and screaming at me, what they really need is for me to hug them and reassure them that I love them. We don't deserve a savior because we are all sinners and continue to sin despite our efforts to stop, but God displayed his ultimate love by sending his beloved son to die for us on the cross, so that through Him we might all be saved. Through Jesus, we are no longer slaves to our sin but gain ultimate forgiveness. How amazing is that? How comforting!
So what am I trying to say with all this babbling. . . Simply this: Show love! Show compassion! Step into the shoes of someone else when they are hurting and realize that they don't always need lectures and advice. What they need is for you to pour your love into them by listening, by embracing them, by asking, what is it you need right now? Don't jump to fix things -- don't jump to trying to alleviate their sufferings by what you think is best. And most of all, don't judge! I read somewhere a story about a man who was grieving after losing his 3 children in tragedy. One after another family and friends came up to him and tried to comfort him by quoting scripture, by telling him all was well and his children are in a better place, who referred him to grief support groups, etc. He was not comforted by any of them. A stranger came up to him and just sat and placed his hand on the man's shoulder while he cried. Never saying a word, this stranger sat for who knows how long. That was more comforting to the man than all those well meaning friends and family. Seek God's guidance for how to best show people your support. It may not mean any words, just sitting and sharing your presence, but that may mean all the difference!
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