Yesterday was a dreary day, both literally (as it rained all day) but also figuratively (as my soul cried out to the Lord). The details of life that transpired yesterday were really no different from most days. I think what was different was the cummulative effect of countless sleepless nights; not having a break the weekend prior because my husband was out of town; and not taking the time yesterday to recharge my spiritual batteries. Yesterday I was forgetful. I was irritable. I was impatient. I was ashamed. I was weary.
Have you had days like that? Nothing out of the ordinary really happened, it was just the attitude or general tone of the day that somehow led to things getting out of control. I lost my temper with my children more than once and felt awful about it. By the time my husband got home, I was sitting on the coach on the verge of tears. I had been trying to hold them back so the girls would not see me upset. He took one look at me and asked what was wrong. I could not reply because I could not pinpoint it myself at that moment. I left him with the children and ran upstairs before the floodgates opened -- and boy did they open wide! Before I knew it I was curled up in bed sobbing uncontrollably. My husband came up for a moment to check that everything was ok, saw that it wasn't, kissed me softly on my forehead, left the room and turned off the lights. He knows me well. He knows that I prefer to cry in the dark because the light hurts my eyes when I am crying.
Once the crying subsided, I struggled to make sense of it. I realized that I was feeling overwhelmed and tired. I realized that I had not been praying and focused on God as much as I usually do. I realized that all the parental mistakes I was making that day was making me feel like a bad mother. I was feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, and unloved. That was when I felt an amazing thing. I felt the comforting embrace of the Lord as if he was right there on the bed beside me. It was unmistakeable. I felt him soothing me and whispering to my heart, "You are loved! You are beautiful to me, and I know you! I understand you!".
I then realized that what I had been trying to do in the dark was to hide myself. I was ashamed of my feelings and instead of taking them to the Lord, I was trying to hide from him. I realized that like so many people, I had been holding on to this misconception that as a devoted Christian I needed to portray myself as happy and as "together" as possible. It wasn't so much that I was looking for other people's approval, thankfully I have gotten better about that. In a way I was seeking God's approval. I was trying to present a better version of myself to him always. I know that my salvation does not depend on what I do, instead my faith in Jesus is enough. Unfortunately, sometimes self-doubt creeps in and taints the joy. Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life (John 8:12)." Identifying himself as the light has so many spiritual meanings. One of them is that the light reveals everything. We can hide in the darkness, but we cannot hide in the light as easily. I realized that there was no need for me to hide for Jesus knows my heart and he loves me despite all my flaws.
Yesterday after my cry-fest. I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to get up and get a book I have been slowly making my way through. It's called A Perfect Mess: Why You Don't Have to Worry About Being Good Enough for God by Lisa Harper. I flipped through it again and chapter 3 caught my attention. It was exactly what I needed at that moment. The author quotes Marva Dawn, "Unfortunately, often our faith doesn't penetrate to our unfavorable feelings about ourselves." When we feel as though we don't measure up; that people don't understand us; when we are ashamed and want to hide; when we feel we are unloved and unworthy, and just ugly inside and out; we need only turn to the Lord's word. This is what Psalm 139 says:
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
God knows Me and he delights in Me. He knows what my thoughts and feelings are before I know them myself. He does not shy away from them and tells me I shouldn't either. He is empathetic and feels my pain with me. He reminds me I am not alone. He tells me there is nowhere I can go that he will not be there with me. He will not leave me to wallow in my misery and choose darkness instead of the light that his son provides. He finds me beautiful and among his wonderful creations. And days like yesterday, even when I forget about him for a bit, he never forgets about me. He knew before I did how my day would go and he knew that I would need him. He knew how to comfort me and lift me up like no one else ever can. Even good Christians, including the biblical examples of Elijah and Jesus, sometimes have their dark moments. The key is turning those feelings over to the Lord.
Today I am so thankful for my loving God, his precious son, and for their everlasting love. God wants us to trust wholeheartedly in his love for us, especially during our dark moments. Will you trust as I'm learning to trust? Will you choose the light also?
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