Praying for our marriages

On my knees, on the floor, against the side of the bed, I was stooped and weeping.  The weight of my own failings as a wife, weariness from poor communication, and emotional disconnection kept me there.  My soul was crying for our marriage.  My husband and I had been warring with each other all week.  He was on the bed, leaning over the edge, clasping my hands in his hands.  He too didn't know what was happening.  Yet, we both knew we needed to pray.  Silently I poured out my soul to the Lord.  Out loud my husband prayed over our marriage, over his brokenness, over my brokenness -- asking for a hedge of protection from evil that would separate us. . . . Slowly the darkness receded. . . .   The storm calmed. . . .  The dust cleared. . . And we found our way back to each other again, reminded of how much we love each other.

It is no accident that God paired us together.  My husband is strong where I am weak; and I am strong where he is weak.  We balance each other.  The problem is that we both have very strong personalities and are stubborn.  We tend to hold our ground in arguments rather than concede.  We both tend to feel justified and "right".  We both like to have the last word.   Being "right" means that we must prove the other wrong, since there can't be two "rights" can there?  

Yet, God's word tells us, "People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their heart (Proverbs 21:2)."   In other words, everyone can justify their own beliefs, opinions, and viewpoints to themselves and sometimes to others.  That doesn't necessarily mean that our hearts and motives are just, honorable, or right.  Scripture teaches us to be peacemakers and to avoid conflict.  "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace (Colossians 3:15)"   "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God (Matthew 5:9)."  If we are arguing to further our agenda, or prove ourselves right and others wrong, that is not being a peacemaker.  Truly only God's way is the Right way.

One of my biggest fears is that my marriage will fail.  I worry that it will become another statistic.   I worry I will walk the path that so many others in my family have walked -- that of separation and divorce.  If that happens, I worry for what it will do to my children.  If you are divorced and reading this, I am not judging.  If you are a child of divorced parents, I am not saying this is how you would feel.   I can only speak of my own experiences.   For me,  I believe a lot of my emotional issues have stemmed from my broken home.  I grew up wounded and hurting.  Trust, love, forgiveness and grace were difficult concepts for me to learn and accept.   Early on in our relationship and marriage I would lash out at my husband and "test" him often to see if he would leave me -- as I expected him to do.   Yet, thankfully he never did.  

If you are married or in a committed relationship, can you relate?  Does your past sometimes sneak up on you and overwhelm your present?  Our marriage is not perfect.  I don't think any marriage or relationship can be.  How can it be when there are two imperfect sinners -- each selfish in their own way -- who are trying to become one and live in harmony?  Some days things run smoothly and the next it doesn't. There are many ups and many downs.  But that is the journey that we are on.  Because of my past and the fears stemming from them, the down moments so often seem larger than life, making them seem more catastrophic than they truly are. In reality, the wonderful up moments far out number the down moments. 

God tells us to cast all our fears and anxieties onto Him who can shoulder our burdens.  I have learned to do this in so many areas of my life:  my day to day with the girls; my ministry; illness and health issues of loved ones; conflict with friends and neighbors; etc.  I truly don't worry much about those aspects of my life and rarely do they bring me down.  Sometimes people do or say hurtful things to me and I truly don't take any of it to heart.  With the Lord's help, I am able to show mercy and grace to so many others.  Yet, with my husband and our marriage, I am realizing that I do not show enough grace.  I am realizing the reason is that in this one area I still harbor fear and worry.   It has been a process.  We have come so very far over the past 16 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage.  Yet there is so much more growth we both need to do individually and together.  I am realizing that I have not fully turned this relationship over to the Lord.   

Yesterday on the floor of our bedroom, while we prayed,  the Lord spoke to my heart and made me realize that although much of my life has been given to Jesus as a living sacrifice, I was still holding tight to my marriage.  I realized that I was trying to make it work by my own efforts -- way more than I realized.  We attend marriage classes at church; we go on date nights when possible; we spend a lot of time "discussing" the issues of our marriage; but we were not making God head of it.  We are prayer warriors for friends and family who are suffering through hard times.  We pray fervently for our children and each other.  Yet, I realized yesterday that we were not praying together specifically enough over our own marriage.

Change happens as we pray together.  God uses it to soften both of our hearts.  As our hearts soften, God reveals to us areas that we need to work on.  He restores the "right spirit" within us (Psalm 51:10) so that we become more compassionate towards each other.  Only then can we reconcile and reconnect.  It is there that God turns conflict into peace and love.  Marriage and relationships are difficult and they are messy.  By our own efforts we might be able to make it work -- but I truly believe that it wouldn't be as fulfilling as when the Lord is center of it.  We would not be transformed for the better without the Lord using our marriage to mold and shape us.   

So, if you are reading this and going through a tough spot in your marriage, I encourage you to pray more together over your relationship.  It might mean talking less to each other about the issues.  With the Lord's help, we are striving to do the same.  Together let's see the Lord bless our marriages and relationships beyond measure.    

How can we judge when we are of the same body?

(This is what I wrote to share and speak during devotional time at CBS today)

As we approach Easter and the celebration of Christ's resurrection from the dead, I am challenged to really think about what His resurrection means to me personally.  Because he died on the cross our sins are forgiven and we have eternal life.  Because he died in our stead, our slates are wiped clean and we are deemed righteous in the sight of God.  Because he has risen we have hope everlasting.  We know that he has overcome death and the same victory is ours too.Christ's resurrection means that He is ALIVE now IN us.  Let that truth sink in.   Right now in this room, Christ is ALIVE inside of us!  These are the truths that we believe and stand by, but have they really penetrated our hearts and how do we apply them to our lives?

On application I think can be seen in 1 Corinthians 12.  The Apostle Paul talks a lot about how we are all members of Christ's body.  Because He is alive in us, it means that right now in this room, we are his hands, his feet, his eyes, his ears, his nose, his mouth. . .   We are his beating heart, his lungs. . .  If you reach out to the person sitting next to you, you are touching not just a sister in Christ, but a part of Christ himself!  Christ is the head.  He will lead and guide us in the tasks we need to do, and the ways we should go.   And just as the body has different parts that have various functions, all serving a vital role in keeping the body alive and well, so too it is for us.   We all have different spiritual gifts that are bestowed to us by God and are a manifestation of the Spirit in us.  We all have our different roles to play, yet we are all of the same body -- that is the Church -- which is the body of Christ on earth.  Just as the body cannot function optimally without all of its' parts, so too it is for us.  We all are vital and essential.  We all matter.  None of us are more or less than the other.

I have been meditating on 1 Corinthians 12 the past couple of days, and it has pierced my heart and convicted me of judgment I did not even know lurking in my heart.  It has led me to a richer understanding of what we are learning in Romans 14 (and have touched on a bit in Romans 12).    Since we all have been uniquely created and gifted by God for his divine purposes, how can we ever presume to judge one another?  Paul writes:

 ²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” ²² On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³ and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, ²⁴ while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, ²⁵ so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

Judgment of one another divides the church body.  By placing ourselves superior, we make others inferior.   Paul is saying that the people that we judge as weaker, or less noble, are actually equally important!  In fact, he is telling us that instead of judging others for whatever reasons, we should encourage them, lift them up, exhort them, edify them, and treat them with special honor.  And those that we might deem more strong or honorable, we should not give any special treatment to.  Why?  I think to humble them -- to humble ourselves.  A truly humble person would not have it in them to judge because they recognize that any good in them is from the Lord, and He alone gets the glory.  

By judging others we can also become obstacles or stumbling blocks to their faith.  Instead of judgment we should have mutual concern for one another.  That means we are sensitive to each other and where we each are in our faith walks.  Spiritual maturity is a process and it takes a lifetime.  In Christ we have freedom.  Yet, it often takes spiritual maturity before we can wisely and confidently embrace our freedom.  So we should not judge a fellow Christian who has not fully embraced their freedom in Christ.  They just don't have all the tools yet to understand.   If anything, they might benefit from us taking time to disciple them.   Moreover, we should not flaunt our own freedom in front of their faces especially if it will cause them distress or harm.  For example, knowing full well our brother or sister in Christ struggles with alcoholism, how can we in good conscience drink in front of them?   That would go against Jesus' commandment to love one another.  We would be injuring a part of our own body! 

We need to realize that if one part of the body suffers, every part suffers.  We as a body will not be able to function optimally.  So how do we avoid judgment and becoming stumbling blocks for one another?  The answer is love.  But this type of love we cannot attain on our own.  We have to tap into the power within us --  which is Christ ALIVE in us.  We ask Him to show us how to have empathy and compassion for those members who are struggling.  We ask him to break our hearts, make them more open and soft so that truly we can say that when one member hurts, we too feel the pain.  Our hearts should ache for one another in suffering and rejoice with one another in triumph.  Because when we love like that and feel for each other like that -- there is undeniable and unconquerable power and strength!  That would be true unity in Christ -- unity as the church body of our resurrected Savior -- each abiding in the vine.  There would be no room for judgment or strife.  I think these same truths apply to our unbelieving friends and family too.  If our hearts truly break for them, and we seek He who is IN us to give us wisdom and discernment, our words and actions will reflect Christ.  The Spirit will in his perfect timing and will draw that person to Him. 

I want to end by challenging you with the lyrics of this Casting Crowns song that is so pertienent:

Jesus Friend of sinners we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus friend of sinners the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus friend of sinners 
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy 
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus friend of sinners break our hearts for what breaks yours

Joy, Peace, and the Middle

In one of my bible studies recently, our exercise was to tell each other which fruits of the Spirit we witnessed shining the most in each other.  These fruits are given to us by the Holy Spirit that resides in us from the moment we put our faith in Jesus.  They are:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).  These fruits emerge in us as believers the more we abide in the vine; in other words, these characteristics grow in us the more we are rooted in Jesus.   Both women in my group said to me that they believed they saw joy and peace shining the most in me.   I was floored.  Truly they could not be talking about me!  They must not know me very well!  I was flattered and it definitely was nice to hear those words, but I couldn't help my unbelief.  Then something happened.  The Lord quietly spoke to my heart, "Amy you are none of these things on your own.  It is ME in you that they see and it is I who shine.  It is I who give you joy and peace."  And with that powerful reminder I said "Thank you," and stored away their words to meditate and reflect upon.

Biblical joy transcends circumstances.  Happiness is often confused with joy.  Happiness is momentary and fleeting because it has to do with feeling great when things are going right in our world.  Gary Ogden in his book, Discipleship Essentials writes:  "Joy can coexist with suffering and grief.  Joy is stable, because it is rooted in hope. Jesus said, Take heart!  I have overcome the world (John 16:33).  Hope grounded in Christ's death and resurrection is knowing how the story ends.  Joy is that we know there is a happy ending."

Peace is knowing that because we are God's children, He loves us and will keep his promises and will bring good out of all our circumstances -- even our negative circumstances He will turn into good (Romans 8:28). Ogden also writes, "Peace. . It is serenity from security [in God]."  It is knowing that God will not leave us alone, but is at work behind the scenes of our lives for a good purpose.  So why worry needlessly?

As I have reflected on Joy and Peace, I now have confidence that these fruits do shine in me.  Yet, they shine not because of my own doing.  It is because I have recognized how faithful God has been in my life in taking me through all of our difficult challenges over the past few years -- especially this past year.

Do you remember the story of Jesus walking on water?  It occurs after Jesus's miracle of multiplying fish and loaves of bread to feed the 5000 people who had come to hear him teach.  Jesus told his disciples to get into the boat and go ahead of him to Bethsaida.   In Mark 6:47-48 we read, "When evening came the boat was in the middle of the lake. . . He [Jesus] saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them.  About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake."  When the disciples see Jesus, they were terrified.  He tells them, "Take courage!  It is I.  Don't be afraid!"  Peter is so excited he wants to come to Jesus.  Peter faithfully steps out of the boat and he walks on water for a few steps!  Then he looks down and he falls into the water and begins to sink.  Jesus saves him and gently rebukes him for having little faith and doubting.   Jesus then calms the storm.

Charlotte Gambil gave a powerful speech at the Dare to Be women's conference that I attended recently. She said that storms often happen in the middle.  She spoke of how it is in the middle of marriages when things start to get really hard.  It is the middle of raising children that things get tricky.  It is in the middle when life often gets messy, exhausting, and crises happen.  This past year our family has been stuck in this stormy middle.  My daughter's GI and fever issues; death in the family; our house falling apart and needing extensive repairs; my nephew and his brain tumor; my father-in-law's cancer; and many other crises that impact us because they involve beloved family and friends.  What I realized is that through all these storms, I witnessed the Jesus who walks on water!  The one who has power to calm the seas!  He has all the power and authority of Heaven and Earth, and yet He loves me enough to take time to calm my personal storms.  He can do that for you too.

So often we fail to see Jesus for who he really is. . . We like to envision a Jesus who sits and teaches with an open heart and open arms, who has his feet firmly planted on the ground. That is a part of who he is, but he is so much MORE!  In rereading this story today, this verse struck me for the first time, "They [the disciples] were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened (Mark 6:52)."  The disciples had just witnessed Jesus do countless miracles, including dividing and multiplying fish and bread to satisfy the hunger of 5000 people, with the abundance of 12 baskets left over.  Yet, they doubted that Jesus could walk on water!  Their view of Jesus was limited.  So often our view of Jesus is limited.  When we keep our view of Jesus small, we undermine his ability to intercede for us and help us when we are going through struggles.  We sometimes see how he is working in other people's lives and we want the same.  Yet, what this verse is saying is that when we do not understand and believe the fullness of Jesus's power, we are hardening our own hearts against him.  When we do so, we will not recognize him when he does come, just as the disciples did not recognize Jesus on the water.

I am confident now that the fruits of Joy and Peace in me are because I have encountered Jesus who walks on water!  I have experienced His calm and peace that transcends all understanding.  I have witnessed miracles in my own life and in the life of my nephew.  I was healed from Trigeminal Neuralgia.  My nephew is walking and running now after having hemi-paralysis from brain tumor surgery.  Even in the smaller trials of everyday life I witness Jesus calming my storms of anxiety.  He is the anchor that keeps me steady and afloat instead of drifting despite whatever life throws at me.   I am not saying I'm perfect.  I have moments of doubt and sink just like Peter.  Yet, I know and believe with all my heart that my Lord will always catch me in his arms and rescue me, just as he did for Peter.

I don't know what storms you are facing in the middle of your life.  Whatever it is, I encourage you to cast your eyes on Jesus. Know and believe that Jesus can and does walk on water.  He is the one who also rose from the dead! He is alive! Nothing is impossible for him.  If you know that and believe it with all your heart, peace and joy -- that truly is not of this world -- will come upon you.  The circumstances of your life might not change, but Jesus will calm that storm inside of you.  His Joy and Peace will carry you through the most difficult of challenges today, tomorrow, and always.