My path to
the cross has been a long and difficult one. My family life was not pretty. I grew up in an environment filled with lies, cheating, betrayal,
skeletons and secrets, pain, sorrow, heartache, bitterness and anger -- but
most of all shame. Shame and despair marked my childhood
and young adult years when I battled with severe depression. I internalized everything that was going on
in my broken family. My parent's failed
marriage, their divorce, it was all my fault. . . It did not help that I was forced to be the parent figure for a younger
brother who resented it. . . My extended family was an awful mess also, even though many were proclaimed Christians, their life did not match their preaching. . . I felt unloved and unwanted. And there is so much more I could say and share, but this is not the place for that. Suffice it to say that when I look back on my childhood, I remember more bad than good. Friendships
came and went and proved to me how unworthy I was to be loved and how
undesirable I was as a person. I was
very suicidal and on more than one occasion contemplated and almost went
through with killing myself. I remember one time driving late at night -- no
other cars were around, and sobbing so hard and screaming that there was no reason
to live. .. I pushed the pedal really hard and the car picked up speed to about
100 or so mph. All I wanted was to put a
stop to my pain. I saw a big tree and
wanted to just run into it -- to end it all. . . By God's shear grace he saved
me that night and many other nights since.
Other times I felt so numb and devoid of emotion that I would cut, stick needles in my arm, or bang
my head against a wall just to "feel" something.
Even though I rejected God, he did
not give up on me! He had a plan for my
life and it included good that would come from all of this pain. I went to college, still depressed, but I had
learned from my family how to put on a good outward appearance. . . I met my husband at UVA and we've been
together 15 years. For the first time I
witnessed in my husband the peace and calm that comes from the Lord. For the first time I did not feel unwanted
-- even when he saw how broken I was, he still loved me and wanted to be with
me. That was the first anyone had ever paid me
that much care and attention. He never
pushed his faith on me, but invited me to go to church with him. And for the first time I began hearing the
true gospel message about how we are saved by grace, not by our own works. Ephesians 8:2-9 "For it is by grace you
have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the GIFT
of God, not by works, so that no one can boast." It is all about what Jesus did for us on the
cross, taking our sin upon himself, undeservedly, but willingly, so that we
might have eternal life and we could be cleansed of our trespasses and stand
before God new with credited righteousness, so that we could become beloved
children of God! We didn't have to do
anything!
I wanted this promised gift, but
still my stubborn heart would not fully relent out of fear of rejection. How could God even begin to love me? I was a mess.
But God did not give up on me. He
continued to pursue me over the next few years as I attended church with Javier
outwardly, while inwardly still holding on tight to my life. Early in 2003, while in graduate school, I
became stricken with a mysterious illness.
I had recurring lightening shock like pain that would shoot up the side
of my face every few minutes. In between
the pain would be this uncomfortable sensation as though my face was on fire
and ants were crawling all over my jaw. I was in so much pain, I had to withdraw from the semester of
school. I could barely get out of
bed. I could barely eat or shower, I
lost weight, and my personal hygiene was not very good. After several ER visits
and consultations with specialists, I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia,
a chronic nerve disorder that usually is life-long. There are options to treat or manage the
pain, but few things to be done to completely "cure" the
disorder. For a 24 year old, this was
devastating news -- the future seemed empty of hope. It was in this darkness and brokenness that
I finally cried out to the Lord, Jesus.
That was 10 years ago, and my life has never been the same. For one, the Lord has completely healed me --
miraculously so. After a series of oral
surgeries, I have not had pain in a decade!!!!
How amazing is that?
God has been so faithful ever since I gave him
my life. He has turned it upside down,
inside out, done a total 180 -- but it is undeniable that his plans were much
bigger, grander, and BETTER than anything I could have imagined for myself. Praise the Lord! He continues to work to transform me into
someone who He can use for his glory. I
am learning the truth of Genesis 50: 20, "You intended to harm me, but God
intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many
lives." Seeing him use me, in my
brokenness, sharing my story and all of the ugliness there to help and
encourage others has changed my life and pushed my faith even further. It's all him!
It is not me! But how amazing is
it that he can use my brokenness for his glory?
What an honor and a privilege it is!
I am still a sinner through and through -- as we all are -- so I don't
get it right all the time. But that is
ok because God is patient, and he is loving, and he is so full of grace. Because of what Christ did on the cross, he
has forgiven our sins. He will never
bring them up and throw it in our face.
And now I am free from the self-condemnation and shame of my youth. I am worthy in the eyes of God!
I don't know where you are in your
faith journey. But I am here to tell
you, you are worthy too!!! Just look up
at the cross, KNOW and BELIEVE that Christ died for us. Don't let it be just an intellectual
knowledge. It has to be personal: Christ
died for YOU! Do you truly believe
that? It took me years to truly wrap my
head around this and really believe it.
I was so broken, I was so lost. . .
I didn't think anyone could love me, let alone a perfect God. But the awesome thing is that he does! He loved me so much he pursued me and never
gave up on me even when others had abandoned me to my despair and I had given
up on myself. He will do the same for
you. God sent Jesus to die for ME. Jesus died and rose from the dead to bring
light and hope into MY darkness. He said, John 8:12, "I am the light of
the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but have the light of
life." He loved ME that much to become my personal
light! He brought hope to me at a such
a time when I saw no hope. And he can do
that for YOU. Do you believe it? If you have never given your life to Christ,
I urge you to take that leap of faith.
You will never regret it. You
will experience peace and comfort that transcends all understanding. You will experience a joy and a hope that is
supernatural and not linked to the circumstances of this life. You
will receive the free gift of salvation because of grace. I didn't deserve it -- none of us deserve it,
which makes it all the more wonderful and powerful. It is free and a gift. Don't you want it? This gift, yes, it is about eternal life
after we die and leave this world, we get to be in heaven with Jesus. But don't let that future promise stop you
from knowing, believing, and accepting that gift NOW. Because the minute you receive it, salvation
is yours NOW, this second, in the present.
Jesus will be your personal savior in the here and now. Whatever life throws at you, he will be there
with you, to help you, to give you strength, and to lift you up when you are
weary. There is just so much power in
the name, Jesus. All you need to do is
utter it. . . Jesus, Jesus. He already
knows what is going on in your life better than you know yourself. And
once you utter His name and truly, truly believe, the Holy Spirit will enter
and he will intercede on your behalf.
And you will NEVER, NEVER be alone again. And there will be no missing it when the
spirit fills you. You will know it and
feel it.
If you have already given your life
to Christ, I want to tell you, the process of transformation is ongoing, and so
the Lord will continue to use the circumstances in your life to mold and shape
you. The key is to not become complacent
in your faith. Continue to let the Lord
work in your life. How you do that is to
make sure you take everything, and I mean EVERYTHING to the cross. Lay it at the feet of Jesus. He wants you to do that. He wants you to bring all your cares,
worries, and anxieties to him. 1 Peter
5:7, "Cast all your anxieties on Him, for he cares for you." 1 Corinthians 10:13, "No trial has
overtaken you that is not faced by others.
And God is faithful and he will not let you be tried beyond what you are
able to bear, but with the trial will provide a way out so that you can endure
it." The way out -- it is Jesus! We live in a fallen world and it's full of
trouble. But the Lord says in John 16:33, "In me
you can have peace. In this world you
will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the world!" When
you start to feel overwhelmed, that is your cue to take it to the
cross. You are feeling overwhelmed
probably because you are trying to carry the burden yourself.
You are resorting to your own strength and your own means to control and
fix and do. . . . This is not the way friends.
I know because I have been there -- I am still there sometimes. The Lord is still working in me and I am
still learning. My nature is to control
but I have learned that if I just let go, the Lord is so faithful and his way
is SO much better.... Where ever you are
in your faith walk, will you, like me, look up today, see the cross and marvel
in its beauty, accept the salvation it represents, and bask in the LOVE that it
symbolizes? There is so much freedom and
power there -- and Jesus is calling, waiting, and beckoning to you and to me to
follow him. Like me, he has given you a
unique life path and a story to share, and to use for his glory. Will you answer his call?
